DadCentric

DadCentric Holiday Bleg

I was going to live-blog Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer tonight, but I changed my mind.  I didn't want to ruin the story for those of you on the West Coast.

Actually, my post tonight is more of a question rather than the musings of a new father.  First, some background.  My wife and I (well, chiefly my wife) buy presents for everyone.  I mean everyone.  I am godfather to three, my wife is godmother to one.  We have five nieces and nephews and several close friends whose children also receive gifts at this time of year.  Fortunately, we have all agreed that we will only get things for the kids.  That's all well and good, but holy fuckin' shit, kid.  It's a lot of gifts, but nothing difficult: girls: Disney Princesses; boys: Thomas, The Incredibles and Star Wars.  Our parents aren't that hard: you can't go wrong with a portrait of all the grandchildren or a beautifully framed one of the first.  Then throw in some work people and you can see how far out of hand this can all get.  But, it's once a year, might as well.

I know, I know, long way to the question, but here it is.  What the hell do we get for the daycare teachers?  Is a gift card appropriate?  A gift certificate for a nice restaurant?  Do you give protection money a cash tip?  This is our first and we are not gift savvy when it comes to the daycare.  And where's the cut-off?  By that I mean who gets what?  My wife sees two when she gets there in the a.m.  I see others when I arrive inthe p.m.  And what about the owner?  Does she get something?  You see my conundrum.  Where does it end?  So, anyway, any assistance that you, the fine, bright, insightful, loyal readers of DadCentric can provide will certainly be appreciated.  You might even make our list for next year.

Product of the Month: Blanky

Within days of our daughter's birth this summer, our house was packed with new toys and clothes from friends and family.  If you're like us, you probably received items that ranged from the wonderfully tasteful and thoughtful to the shockingly awful...the sort of eye-raising "why would any one buy that?" items that even the seagulls at the landfill avoid.  Among all these riches, one item has risen to the top as the most cherished by our daughter:  blanky.

It's a well-known but rarely-acknowledged fact that, despite all the interesting and expensive toys flooding the market, it's the simplest ones that last.  This blanket is basically a square white piece of fabric, but to our daughter it's so much more.  It's warmth.  It's comfort.  It's a chew toy.  It's a projectile.  Periodically it's even litter.  A few weeks ago our babysitter lost her little blanky at the playground, and we basically fired the woman for gross negligence.  After a brief panic we ordered an identical replacement, fearing the repercussions if it wasn't an exact match.  When it came a couple days later we handed it to our daughter, and her face lit up like a slot machine that just hit the jackpot.  She immediately clutched it as hard as her little hands could, pulled it to her cheeks, and proceeded to suck on it. 

I can't say enough about the value of a good blanky to an infant.  I highly recommend Little Giraffe brand, which is so soft and plush I'd consider buying boxers from them if they made it.  While the "some assembly required" items gather dust in our closet, blanky is getting a work-out, and I'd rather someone blow the $20 on this rather than that battery-operated snow-globe picture frame, which I promise to tell them is "around here somewhere" next time they come to visit....

We're Now on Jawa Alert

We are the house of the future.   Forget wireless networking.  Forget satellite television.  Forget podcasting or bluetoothing anything.  We've got a robot.  That's right...I said Ro-fucking-Bot, people!  At least that's what the manufacturer calls it.  Yesterday, my wife's new Roomba arrived.  And it's pretty damn cool, even if it doesn't speak bacchi or know what a binary load lifter is.

It's a little fella that roams around the house looking for something to sweep up.  Really, that's him in a nutshell.  You turn him on (not in a robot-sex way) and off he goes scooting around the floors and under couches - sweeping and vacuuming all by his little robot self.  Then, when he's tired, he strolls back over to his little robot house and puts himself to sleep on his charger.  Leave him alone long enough and he will go through your entire house...all on his own. 

He cleans really, really, well too.  This thing isn't a gimmick, I assure you.  The house was spotless when I got home yesterday.  No dog hair, no crumbs, no nuthin'.  What's funny is that, if he comes across an area that's particularly dirty, he gets all excited and flashes a happy light.  Then he kicks in to overdrive and focuses on that one area till he's satisfied that he's done a good job.  Find me a wife, SAHD or housekeeper that gets excited over dirty floors.

The only downside is he's getting all up in my dog's bidness.  If our dog, Dre, isn't fast enough, "Sweepee", as we call him, will scoop up the food junk dropped by the baby.  Traditionally, Dre could take his time with this task.  Not anymore.  The dog's just going to have to bring his A-game to the floor lest the robot beat him to it.  Serves him right, actually, since most of Sweepee's time will be spent picking up that lazy bastard's hair.

So in conclusion, we have a robot and you probably don't.

DadCentric Holiday Favorites II: Holiday Favoriter

Earlier, Warren gave us his list of holiday TV/film favorites. I like the Christmas movies - they're good sappy fun, and I'm looking forward to the day when I can watch my top 5 with Lucas. Here you go:

5. Bad Santa. This is an excellent movie for the kids, becauses it teaches a valuable lesson: even "the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin' shit that has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass" can change his ways and become a good person. Sorta.

4. Lethal Weapon. From the opening frame, the film puts us in a holiday mood. Johnny Helms croons "Jingle Bell Rock" over the credits. Then a naked drugged-out teenaged girl jumps to her death.

3. All of the Lord of The Rings movies. Because they all came out at Christmas, and what a gift. They ought to re-release them every Christmas. They're great flicks, best viewed on the big screen, and it's a blessing to able to sneak out to a movie theater on Christmas Night and get a three-hour respite from insane relatives.

2. Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents Santa Claus . The first from the Joel Era, the second from the Mike Era. A word about the second: it's arguably the funniest ep of MST3K ever. The movie, Santa Claus, is bizarre beyond description - yes, even more bizarre than a movie about Santa fighting his own War of The Worlds.

...and the number 1 Christmas Movie Of All Time is...

DIE HARD. "HO HO HO NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN". One of the greatest action movies of all time. Spawned a whole crop of "Die Hard On A..." clones (Under Siege - Die Hard On A Battleship; Passenger 57 - Die Hard On A Plane; Speed - Die Hard On A Bus; Under Siege 2: Dark Territory - Die Hard On A Train; Speed 2: Cruise Control - Die Hard On A Cruise Ship). Established Bruce Willis as a Movie Tough Guy (no Die Hard, no Butch grabbing a samurai sword and going to town on Ving Rhames' new boyfriends) and Alan Rickman as the Movies' Premier "That Guy" Villian ("Who's the guy playing Snape?" "It's That Guy from Die Hard. Hans Gruber.") And the best of the numerous remakes of It's A Wonderful Life.

"Whaaa?", you say. Oh yes. It's SOOO obvious. See, John McClane is George Bailey. Only we skip through all the expository BS about falling through the ice and getting bitchsmacked by Mr. Gower and "Buffalo Gals" and cut right to the chase: McClane starts the movie on the airplane, feeling miserable and wondering what the lives of his family (Bonnie Bedelia, high on my list of big-screen MILFS, and his kids) would be like without him. In a freak twist of fate, he watches as terrorist and self-described "uncommon thief" Hans Gruber (who is a sneering, smarmy prick just like Old Man Potter) tries to steal the money of the locals (well, not really - he's trying to steal a bunch of bonds from rich Japanese bankers, but it's still stealing). Then his fat guardian angel shows up; his Clarence is Al Powell, the off-duty cop who offers words of advice and encouragement as McClane realizes that life is sweet and worth living and then proceeds to kill all of the bad guys in creatively nasty ways. And just as Clarence gets his wings at the end of It's A Wonderful Life, Al gets his first Officer Involved Kill as he blows away the blond German or Russian terrorist who we all knew was going to come back from the dead and try to kill McClane and Bonnie Bedelia. Then everyone laughs and hugs while "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" plays in the background. See? Same movie.

So put all of these in your Netflix cue. Since it's Christmas, they'll go fast. Trust me.

R.I.P. Stan Berenstain

Recently, over at MetroDad, we've been tripping the light nostalgia and recalling lost memories of our childhood recalling lost memories of our childhood.  How I forgot to mention the "Berenstain Bears" is beyond me.  Not only were they such an important part of my childhood but also I clearly remember a time in my life where the only thing I wanted to do was read the next "Berenstain Bear" book!

Sadly, Stan Berenstain, who with his wife created the popular series, died on Saturday at the age of 82.

In more than 200 books, the Berenstain Bears, written and illustrated by Stan and Jan Berenstain, helped children for 40 years cope with trips to the dentist, eating junk food and cleaning their messy rooms.  I'll never forget those books and I look forward to sharing them with my daughter. 

Thanks, Stan.  For everything. 

What’s in a name – The second installment

As some of you may know, Wifey and I are expecting our second child. We figured we were getting too much sleep and our clothes weren’t quite stained enough with mashed Banana and Wheat Bix so another child was a fantastic way to solve this issue.

We have thought of a name, and no I’m not going to tell you because someone will steal it and we like the name. We also made it up so we think it’s kind of original (there were only about 36 results on Google when we typed in this name) During the journey of coming to a suitable name for our unborn child we borrowed many books from the library and went to many websites.

Let me tell you all there are some pretty weird and wonderful names out there. Names that make “Apple” and “Moon-unit” look like “John” and “Simon” Here are a few of my favorites. I took photos of a couple so you know I’m not making these up!

Gobnat – This one takes the cake. This kind of sounds like a sexual position “I want you to Gobnat me baby……yeah….right there”

Gool – Why not just call them gargoyle and be done with it

Goolcoola – This is obviously for people who live in cold regions

Gudrun – I can just imagine a Army Major saying “Well men, you’ve mastered the grenade course. You’ve done tank training and learnt how to kill a man in 18 different ways. Today men, you will prove yourselves as soldiers. You will have to take on the Gudrun”

Hikmat – This is obviously where rednecks do their washing

Lesbia – This is almost as bad as Cunzila

Lettice – Isn’t this what you put on a sandwich?

Krot – I’m pretty sure this comes from between your toes

Olien – An alien from “The Lord of the Rings” perhaps?

Seriol – I have this for breakfast in the morning

Seshat – We don’t need to discuss ladies and their bathroom habits

Tuulikki – ahhh. Tuulikki or not Tuulikki, that is the question

These are just a few of the more ‘alternative’ names I came across. What about you guys? Any far out names to share? Even better if it’s yours.

Posted by Peter

Today's Obsession Is...

Seems that Greg and I have the same problem. There is a name for our pain, and that name is Caterpillar.

Last week, Beth picked up one of the books in the series for Lucas (she got him the one about the dump truck - Dump Truck, I believe it's called), and he refuses to part with it. He takes it with him in the car. He keeps (or tries to) it at the table when he eats. We read it to him. Again. And again. And again.

Crass attempts at marketing products to toddlers aside (and again, let's all give a silent thanks that Joe Camel is no more), we can't figure out the dump truck fixation. Where did it come from?  Why dump trucks and not, say, vacuum cleaners? (Although that's not a bad thing - I couldn't deal if Lucas started yelling "MINE! MINE!" everytime we walked past a $600 Dyson.) The other love of his life is Thomas. Thomas the Tank Engine. Or as he's known in our house, "CHOOCHOO!". What causes these kids to love these toys so much, foresaking all others? Nature or Nurture? I suspect that if we knew the answer, we'd be working for the Tonka Marketing Department.

From This Day Forward I Shall Snack

My wife introduced the family to this bag full of gems the other day and it is probably the worst mistake she'll ever make.  I can't seem to keep my hands off of them (or my mouth, for that matter).  Baked snap peas they are.  A simple snack concept that yields tons of crispy, crusty, veggie goodness and is sure to reduce you - and/or your children - to nothing more than chronic snackaholics.  It's ridiculous, really, just how addicting these tasty little bastards are. 

I don't know who thought of them, if they're organic or not, or even if they're real snap peas.  Hell, they could be made of used tires at this point and I could give a rat's ass.  All I know is that Japan has successfully hooked me once again and now I require several doses over the course of the day, else I lose it.  I'm willing to trade my wife, my kids and, quite possibly, my Harley to sustain my addiction to this bag-o-crack.  It's truly frightening.  Tasty...but frightening.

Do yourself a favor:  Empty the college fund and go buy yourself several hundred thousand cases.  You'll be glad you did.

Are we Raising A Generation Of Hansons?

Who knew the Hanson brothers were more than celluloid caricatures? According to an article published in the Washington Post, they may be becoming the norm and not the exception. Or possibly role models.

We all know that youth sports can sometimes be quite an ugly spectacle. Most of the media attention focuses on parents berating or even getting into physical confrontations with officials, coaches, and other parents. But according to a recent study, the athletes and coaches ain't exactly angels.

Among the athletes, aged nine to fifteen, 10% had cheated, 13% had tried to hurt an opposing player, and 13% had made fun of teammates with inferior skills. The coaches fared even worse:  7% had told their players to cheat, 8% had told their players to hurt an opposing player, 20% had ridiculed a player, and 4% had actually struck a player.

What the hell is going on in our youth sports leagues? When did all these wannabe Buddy Ryans start coaching our children? Why are our kids listening to these idiots? Is this some sort of insane win-at-all-cost mentality? Or has this been going on for sometime and I'm just naive?

What do you think? Have you ever seen a kid intentionally try to hurt another kid on the soccer fields? Or a coach that takes his little league job a little too seriously?

Seussified

Mere days ago, Tony posted a about kid's books. Now, that got me thinking, since I've been spending so much time with Dr. Seuss lately...

Reading The Lorax with Mia one day
Halfway through our verbal foray
It became quite clear Seuss had something to say
The Lorax was more a morality play.

The tale of the Lorax and those Bar-ba-loots
And lands confiscated by Once-Lers, the brutes
Was a warning to all who might spoil the earth
From nearby Topeka to far away Perth.

The Once-ler, you see, made many a Thneed
Which he thought everyone surely would need.
And while they sold well, he polluted the land.
And resources ran out much more quickly than planned.

All that was left was a gray, grimy grotto.
Everything in it and on it was blotto.
The Once-ler still lived on the land with regret
And told the tale that his deeds did beget.

To the little ones Seuss was making it known,
"Be greedy, be careless, your future is blown.
And while market-driven economies are great
Conserve, take care or suffer Once-lers fate."

Dr. Seuss, real name - Theodor Geisel
Scoffed at illiteracy and formed a reprisal
"The Cat In The Hat" in two-twenty words
Thought imperative to learn, nouns, adjectives and verbs.

He saw an injustice, described it in verse.
Without children's help, it would surely get worse.
The Cat, the Lorax, green eggs and ham
Were just silly sides of a serious man.

This point was most definitely lost on my daughter
But the story of the Lorax gave my brain fodder.
To me this dystopian story seemed odd
But not necessarily, inherently flawed.

I'll credit the Doc where credit is due
Rhyming like this ain't easy to do.
Now excuse me, friends, as I exit stage right
To wish Red Fish and Blue Fish and Mia goodnight.