I Don't Need The Government To Babysit My Children

You're not going to believe this. According to a recent Congress-approved study by the Institute of Medicine, television ads make children desire unhealthy foods. Wow! I could've told them that without a study and for free, which is far less than the $750,585 spent on the study. The study concludes by suggesting television characters like SpongeBob SquarePants should only pimp healthy foods.

Ok. Last time I checked, my kids don't go out and do the grocery shopping (but don't think I wouldn't let them if they could). Do yours? No? Then what's the problem?

Your Kids:  Mommy! Daddy! I want some SpongeBob SquarePants Chocolate-Covered Strawberry-Flavored Sugar Cubes Cereal (Now with 25% More Marshmallows!)!!!
You:  Let's take a look at the nutritional information. 87g of sugar. 43% of your daily allowance of fat. I don't think so, unless you want to eat grass and water for the rest of the day. How about some Goldfish, pretzels, or popcorn instead?
Your Kids:  Ok!

See how easy that was? And the government didn't even have to get involved! Who knew it could be so easy?

I don't understand why poor SpongeBob has been singled out in these stories. If anyone should be selling junk food, it should be SpongeBob. Let Dora, Little Bear, Maisy, and the rest of those wimps sell the healthy snacks. SpongeBob should be pimpin' candy cigarettes (if they still make such a thing).

Not only does the government feel we can't make proper dietary choices for our children, but apparently we can't be trusted with their television viewing habits, either. The FCC would like to start aggressively fining broadcast and cable (!!!) television stations for airing programming the FCC deems offensive. It all stems from a shocked nation being blinded from Janet Jackson's right breast during halftime of the family-friendly Super Bowl. You know, the Super Bowl, where grown men repeatedly smash into each other for sixty minutes in between ads for get-your-boner-back meds and ads with half-naked women trying to get you to buy beer, chips, and domain names. And more beer.

I don't need the government's help in raising my children. I understand what television ratings mean. I understand what nutritional information is. Let me be!

If the government really wants to babysit my kids, fine. My wife and I will go out on a date Saturday night. Send Dick Cheney over to feed, bathe, and put the kids to bed while we're gone.

On second thought, never mind. I'd hate to hear what kind of bedtime stories he'd come up with.

Read More About It:

• TV Ads Entice Kids To Overeat, Study Finds
• Panel Doesn't Want Junk Food Aimed at Kids
• FCC eyes cable, satellite TV

What are your thoughts?