DadCentric

Confessions of/Tips From A Holiday Traveler

• I'm what's called a White Knuckle Flyer. A more accurate description would be a White Knuckle Teeth Clenched Swear/Pray Every Time The Plane Moves Enough To Cause A Ripple In The Fifth Bloody Mary I've Downed Since Takeoff. Logically, this makes no sense. As an Air Force brat, I grew up around pilots. Our good friend's dad is an airline pilot. Another good friend is a Marine aviator. My best friend was a Naval Aviator. A plane is built to fly; per the laws of physics and aerodynamics, it (I'm quoting someone here, can't remember who) wants to fly. I know more about planes than the common schmoe, and they still scare the bejesus out of me.  TIP: Xanax, although the one-and-a half tabs I took over the course of two hours didn't help as we bounced and rattled flying out of Denver. The meds did, I'm proud to say, prevent me from shrieking "THERE'S A MAN ON THE WING!!!" and leaping out the window somewhere over Utah in a desparate attempt to save the plane from certain destruction.
• Denver and Omaha airports: not kid-friendly. Omaha - no changing tables in the Men's rooms. Denver - no highchairs at the airport cafes. TIP: the moving walkways make for an excellent distraction/workout for toddlers. Simply place toddler on the walkway so that he's going opposite the walkway's direction, and release. Voila - treadmill. This kept Lucas in stitches for twenty minutes. It did not, as hoped, tire him out.
• Airplanes in general: not kid-friendly. TIP: non-stop redeye flights and a dose of Benadryl for the kid (serves two purposes - helps with the ear pain that can occur during altitude changes, and knocks 'em out). If you can't get a non-stop, plan the kid's naps accordingly. Don't do what we did - let the kid sleep on the short leg of the flight (Omaha to Denver, one hour in the air). You'll regret  it during the long leg (Denver to Burbank, a two hour and twenty minute horror show, complete with crying, jumping up and down, throwing pacifiers, and kicking the back of the seats in front of us. And that was just me. You shoulda seen the kid. Ba-dum-bump!)
• United Airlines. With one exception (the nice flight attendant who gave Lucas a cookie),the rudest, most inept customer service people I've come across in all of my airline adventures. TIP: Build your own plane and fly it before flying United.
• TSA people. Without fail, courteous, polite, and explained everything they were doing when they checked out  our luggage. Surprisingly, this was the most hassle-free part of the trip. A government agency, doing something right? Go figure.

Still, most of the flight to and from Omaha was pleasant - Lucas loves airplanes, and with the exception of that last leg either slept, sat on our laps and looked at books, or looked out the window, every so often exclaiming "WHOA!" at the sight of it all. In hindsight, I'd give our travel experience a  3 out of 5, although given the choice between flying west out of Denver and suffering Lumpy the Cook's fate in the new King Kong...

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

Thanksgiving.  Check.

Anniversary of New Jersey Statehood.  Check.

Christmas.  Check.

Hanukkah.  Check.

New Years.....

Remember when New Years was a big deal?  When we'd bounce between parties all night long with plastic hats on our heads?  Then you'd find yourself eating hashbrowns at 3 AM in Missoula, MT, pulling a dozen shot glasses that reeked of Jagermeister from your pockets while singing "Friend in Low Places" with Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man?  No, you don't remember that?  I only vaguely remember it myself. 

Anyway, New Years is one of the holidays, like St. Patricks Day, which loses its luster as you get older.  I for one would rather walk through the gates of hell than go to a bar on New Years Eve, or go to Times Square to shiver with 500,000 of my closest friends watching a ball drop while Ashlee Simpson uses up the last of her 15 minutes of fame butchering a song in the background.  But for whatever reason, I still feel compelled to celebrate somehow, even if it's wearing plastic 2006 sunglasses and lifting a glass of Mrs. Big Dubya's egg nog at midnight to toast the promise of a new year.   

Now that we're all parents, we have the added challenge of how to include (or not include) our children in the celebration.  We're spending the evening with friends who also have a new infant, swapping war stories of poop smears, gnawed nipples, and sleepless nights while letting Bombay Sapphire and Highland Park numb the pain.  Let's hear from you...how are you ringing in the new year? 

Not Environmentally Friendly

Despite our protests, Mia's extended family gave us many fine and wonderfully entertaining gifts, all of which make noise, consume batteries at a rate similar to Liz Taylor's consumption of husbands (hey, I know the metaphor sucked but it was either that or making a rather tawdry vibrator joke), and all are made out of plastic.  If you're looking for the people who are screwing up the planet, consuming way too many fossil fuels and contributing to the earth becoming one giant landfill, that would be us. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be back in two years.  I need to get an advanced mechanical engineering degree so I can put all of this shit together.

The (Not So) Funny Papers

Hello?  Anyone home?  Hello?

Pretty quiet here this week in DadCentric HQ.  That's probably a good thing, though.  Can you imagine if we were all here together?  We'd be singing Auld Lang Syne, knocking back one of Jason's bottles of Scotch while Metro regales us with some tales of the pranks he pulled in his youth (and not so youth).  But, alas, it appears that most are still vacationing, taking a little blogging break.  You know this shit can be hard at times as we all maintain personal blogs as well.  Trying to be entertaining, provocative, humorous...interesting... and relevant can cause some major writer's block.  So, I'd like to thank you all for dropping by since we got started back in...holy shit...October!  Wow, that was fast.  I'm sure the other guys will be thanking you all as well.  Right guys?  Guys?

Well, anyway.  I did have something to write about today.  Go figure.  There's not much in the news other than Top 10 lists of this and that.  Boorriinngg.  Gee, you liked Brokeback Mountain, huh?  Well, aren't you just the little noncomformist.  If I hear "I wish I knew how to quit you" one more time....Where was I?  Oh yeah.  So I did come across an article in today's USA Today about the comics pages making room for manga.  I used to read the comics religiously, but now, I might read them while waiting for an open chair at the barber.  I'm not ashamed to admit it, but I hardly read a newspaper anymore what with everything on-line: blogs, news services, opinion pages, etc.  But, getting back to the comics.  Like I said, I used to read them all the time.  I followed Opus and Bill the Cat from Bloom County (and Outland) and I couldn't get enough of Calvin and Hobbes.  And don't get me started on the brilliant and utterly twisted Gary Larson and The Far Side.  But once they went the way of the dinosaur, there wasn't much left - at least nothing I found as enjoyable.  Sure, Dilbert was fun...for a while, but even that got old.  And the others that remained, yikes.  Gen. Halftrack chasing the buxom Miss Buxley - hilarity ensues!  Cathy got married?  Awwwwww.  I do, however, find Darby Conley's Get Fuzzy to be quite funny.

I guess my point, if I have one is: are we nearing an end of an era when newspapers need to rely on manga and anime to entice children to become readers?  Maybe a better question is: Is there really that much of an audience for manga and anime?  Are there any decent strips left out there that will cause me to have my morning milk come out of my nose?  Or will our children look at Calvin and Hobbes or Opus years down the road much the same way we looked at strips like Alley Oop, Li'l Abner and Gasoline Alley and say, "What's so funny?  I don't get it."

Holy Crap! It's Working.

It's been a week now since we began the night weaning process.  It's been very encouraging.  In fact, she hasn't asked for "bahbahs" once the whole time and she's been open to Daddy being the first (and only) responder when she wakes at night.  Nightly, we've been explaining to her that Mommy and her boobs are going night-night and that she look to Daddy if she wakes up.  And she's listening!  It's amazing what these kids can grasp. It's been kind of a nice bonding experience for the two of us too.  My daughter and I have grown a lot closer during the past week.

Of course, we're not finished with the process.  We have a larger goal to accomplish.  We'd like to eliminate the night wakings all together so she sleeps through the night, or, at the very least, puts herself back to sleep if she does wake.  That will take some time.  We're hoping that, after enough wakings with only plain old Dad there, she'll eventually learn there's no reason to be awake in the first place.  Viola!  See ya at 6am!

Except for the lack of a good, uninterrupted night's worth of sleep, it's been quite painless.  Thank you, Jesus.

I Wanna Wish You a Merry Christmas

So - here it is the Friday before Christmas.  Many of you out there, I'm sure, have taken the day off and are busy wrapping presents, battling last-minute shoppers like yourself or packing up for some holiday travel.  If you're at work, like me, I imagine you're playing a little Penguin Baseball, Elf Bowling, getting into a Snowball Fight or biding your time with any one of the thousands of timewasters out there.

Days like today either cause people to be completely on edge: "Whaddaya mean you don't have any more Furbys?" or completely mellow: "Got me a nice roaring fire, some spiked egg nog and my family.  What more could I want?  Glad I'm not shopping!"  Me, even though I'm at work - well, my place of employment, wouldn't actually call it work today - I'm in that latter category.  And because that's my mindset is today, I find it very difficult to be controversial or get fired up about things I read on various news sites.  I thought about writing something about this story about hospitals in Massachusetts not being allowed to give free forumla to new mothers, but Charlene over at Blogging Baby already has it covered.  Then there was another story in the Boston Herald about a Medway middle school ditching religious songs in the holiday concert and referring to Christmas trees as "magical trees."  "Magical trees"?  Whatever.  And, although, to me, this is just another instance of political correctness going too far and another superintendent/principal being the moral arbiter for a community while making a complete and utter jackass of himself, I really couldn't muster up a post-worthy commentary.

So, what does that leave me with to do then?  Well, since traffic here the next few days will probably be sparse, I figured I would send out holiday wishes to all our visitors.  Without further ado:

To our Spanish speaking friends: Feliz Navidad!
For our visitors in Denmark: Glædelig Jul!
If your spending the holiday in a coffee house in Amsterdam: Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
Know Esperanto?: Gajan Kristnaskon!
French and French-Canadian: Joyeux Noel!
Celebrating at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich?: Froehliche Weihnachten!
To the lucky bastards on Maui: Mele Kalikimaka!
To Bjork and the other members of the Sugarcubes: Gledileg Jol!
To my wife's peeps on the Emerald Isle: Nollaig Shona Dhuit!
Any Italians in the house?: Buon Natale
For the Classical Studies majors: Natale Hilare
To the Polish who are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day (j/k): Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia
My friend Adrian is Russian, so to him I say: Srozhdestovm Kristovim!
Any fans of Dylan Thomas?: Nadolig Llawen
How about Pennsylvania Germans?  Anyone?: En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr! (damn, I’m tired just typing that)
For AdventureDad and his family: God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt År
MetroDad: Sung Tan Chuk Ha
What would Jesus say?: Edo bri'cho o rish d'shato brich'to!
Finally, Shane McGowan says it best: Happy Christmas your arse

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Season’s Greetings to you and yours!

Remember: a 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story starts Saturday night at 8pm on TBS.

Get Behind Me Santa

Sorry, Pierre. I win.

Hope you all have a safe and happy Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Festivus. If you're looking for gift ideas for me, donations to the Lucas Therapy Fund would be greatly appreciated.

Santa Gave Me A Bible?

Raised an Independent Fundamental Baptist, the kind of folks who think Southern Baptists are too liberal, you better believe Christmas was all about Jesus.  Before opening our gifts, we read the story of Jesus' birth and prayed to God as we thanked him for the ultimate gift - giving up his son to the Italians, I mean, Romans, so we wouldn't have to burn for eternity in the lake of fire and brimstone that was Satan's crib - Hell.  We even did birthday cakes for Jesus.  (Strangely enough, I often wondered why we'd blow out the candles on his behalf, with him being omnipotent and omnipresent and all.)  Yes, "Santa" came, but there was always a wink and a smile from Mom and Dad that left suspicions in the back of my mind that perhaps it wasn't Santa after all.  I think I was able to put two and two together the one year that Santa gave me a Bible.

I think I was 7 or so.  Already digesting the different opinions floating around the playground at school about the authenticity of Santa, mixed with the theories I was forming from my parent's lack of promoting the whole Santa thing on the home front, all I needed was a little push and I would be ready to finally put the whole Saint Nick thing to rest.  And I got it Christmas morning that year.  Imagine my excitement when, upon waking up in the wee hours to feast my eyes upon the Christmas bounty, I find a brand new, brown leather, King James Version, Red-Letter edition, Scofield Bible with my name engraved on front.  Um...hello?  You got my list, right Santa?  I don't remember including religious paraphernalia.

First of all, I was totally happy with the Children's Bible I'd been carrying to church functions 3 times a week for the past 4 years.  Second, IT'S CHRISTMAS FOR GOD'S SAKE!  That usually means a bike, a Big Jim or something I can blow up with firecrackers.  But a Bible?  Yeah, I know, Jesus' words are in blood red.  I get that.  And, yes, having the cross-referenced passage column down the middle is a nice flair (thank you, Scofield).   And, I'm aware that the nice onion-skin paper the pages are printed on gives that cool "crinkle" noise when you turn the page which, by design, will now require me to follow along with the sermon lest someone notice my new fancy Bible isn't making that tell-tale sound when everyone else's is.  But, c'mon, I'm 7 years old.  Oh...and my stocking included a yellow highlighter in case I found any interesting passages that I may want to revisit.

It was that year I realized, for good, that Santa was a devout Christian who lived in my house and slept with my Mom.  Yes, that year I put the final nail in Santa's coffin. 

Work, Work, Work

While sitting at my desk watching the clock longing for the release from the mindless tedium of work yesterday, I came across a couple of things that I wanted to share. Both involve parenting, which, despite the impression you may have gotten from this site, is serious stuff.

The first is a post from my wife's blog. Seems that well-known mommyblogger Amalah was wrestling with the notion of going back to work after having her first kid, and many of the moms out there are rallying behind her and offering support. Of course, there are those who, from the excellent vantage point offered by the high horse upon which they sit, accuse Amalah of being a bad mom/parent/human being. To them, Beth offers this. Granted, the essay is by and for moms, but we know that there are plenty of dads out there who need to read this (because, as we grow older, we realize that popping people in the mouth is usually going to cause more problems than it solves).

The second is a post from Charlene about the "Family Friendly Workplace". I commented on that post, but on the drive into work today found myself thinking more and more about it.

Charlene is dead-on when she says that company culture ultimately determines whether or not you work for a family-friendly  organization. I have some experience with this; as a recruiter by trade, it falls to me to answer candidates' questions on what value the company places on Work-Life Balance (the PC way of putting it, as the are employees who don't have families but who do have lives outside of the office). It also falls on me to find out what my competitors are doing to attract candidates with families. What I've learned is that the talk and the walk often do not equate. My own experience with my current employer is a great example; when interviewing for the position, the words "flex hours" and "balance" and "making your priorities ours" were bandied about. Yet a year after signing on, I've only taken 3 days off, and have received a fair share of grief for taking next week off for the holidays (yes, for me it's The Holidays - I'm half Jew, remember?).

It;s safe to say that when it comes to balancing work with family, dads get the short end of the stick - why is it, as Rebel Dad would say, that being a SAHD or even a dad who works from home is such an act of revolution? Ask your Sociology professor. As the New Year rolls in, so do new jobs and the desire to look for one. Some pointers for you, from a pro (ha!), on ways to get the skinny on a company's take on Work-Life Balance:

• Network, network, network. If you're a Professional, there are plenty of networking sources available - local career-related organizations, message boards, even blogs. Use these to meet and talk to people like you, working in the trenches, and find out the REAL story on a company's views on family. Guys like me will paint a rosy picture (actually, I don't - I find that honesty is the best policy).
• Research. Yes, the parenting mags and websites can be useful, but can also tend to swing wide with their assessments of companies - they'll canonize the "good" organizations, and demonize the "bad". Other business pubs can provide a much more balanced look at how family-friendly a company is. (I'll get back to this idea, the notion of balance, in a second).
• Interview and assess that company's management AND employees. I'll expand on what I said in my comments to Charlene's piece. When you're talking with your potential boss, be observant. Is the person a family man/woman? Are there pictures of the wife/husband/kids in the office? If not - and I can't stress this enough - THEY WILL NOT AND CANNOT EMPATHIZE WITH YOU ON FAMILY ISSUES. (Time for a bit of controversy: the worst bosses I've had were middle-aged divorced women. One word: BITTER.) And ask your potential boss if you can meet with some of your potential co-workers and talk to them about the environment. More often than not, they'll tell you the truth about the company. A good hiring manager will encourage this; a bad one won't allow it.
• Set realistic expectations. The Dot Com Boom saw companies that were at the forefront of Work-Life Balance; ubercasual, parent-friendly environments were the norm. And look how many of those survived. The fact is that businesses are businesses, and they'll accomodate a parent's needs only if the company benefits. To quote a well-known Vulcan paraphrasing Dickens: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." Work-Life Balance is just that; a give-and-take between the employee and the organization. Your ultimate goal should be to look for reciprocity - if your company expects you to put in the occasional 10 to 12 hour day, you in return should expect to have no questions asked when you need to take some time off to be with your family.

'Tis the Season to Rejoice and Not Get Your Panties in a Knot

We're in the home stretch for the holidays, and I'm psyched to have a few days off to spend with my wife and daughter.  I'm really glad that there's a time of year when you're basically forced to take a step back from the petty annoyances of daily life, be kind to your fellow man (or woman) and celebrate with loved ones.  It's not a season without its headaches--god knows I'm a raging lunatic when it comes to holiday shopping or drivers who act like they've never seen snow before--and it seems like all I hear this year are complaints, bitching, and frustration (the transit strike sure isn't helping).  It got me thinking about all the things I love and hate about the holidays, and why it's such a big deal in the first place. 

So in that spirit, I put together a list of 25 things that drive me nuts about the holidays, and 25 reasons why I shouldn't let them get to me.  That way, when I see Kelsey Grammar's "A Christmas Carol" or some asshole tell off a clerk at the grocery store because they are out of ham, I can find a happy place and remember what makes this time of year so special.  May it help you deal as well!

The needles all over the floor	The smell of the tree
The fact that “We’re a Couple of Misfits” was cut from some airings of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer	Yukon Cornelius & the Grinch’s dog
The realization that a gift giver has no idea who you are or what’s important to you	That anticipation you still have just before you open that gift
People wearing ugly-ass holiday sweaters who won’t get out of your way at the mall	Ugly-ass holiday sweaters
“Grandma got Run Over by a Reindeer”	David Bowie & Bing Crosby
Paying extra for overnight delivery when you forget to order until the last minute	Amazon’s delivery and gift-wrapping services
When your kid melts down on Santa’s lap and is still crying an hour later	Other peoples kids who melt down on Santa’s lap (ah, schadenfreude)
Year-end Top Ten lists written by PR people instead of actual critics	The handful of year-end Top Ten lists that actually get it right, or introduce you to something you may have missed
The Starbucks Egg Nog Latte.  I wanted to like them, I really did.  Tastes like feet.	Home made egg nog.  All home made nogs, for that matter
The garish decorations you got as gifts from relatives you feel compelled to put up in case they come over	The Darth Vader Christmas ornament that breathes heavy every time we plug in our tree lights
The craptastic movies you suffer through all year in anticipation of the holiday season	All the Oscar contenders that finally hit the theaters and that were actually worth waiting for
Cheesy Christmas specials starring D-list stars who learn “the true meaning of Christmas”	Children’s nativity plays, especially the supporting actors playing shepards and wise men who almost get their one line right
The inevitable disappointment your kids will feel when they realize Santa’s not real	That plate of cookies and glass of milk by the fireplace every year until then
The prick boss who could care less what your holiday plans are and schedules something on Christmas Eve	Those last few days at the office when people really aren’t doing anything
Wrapping presents	Tearing them open
The tattered holiday decorations at CVS and Target that have been up since Labor Day	The windows at Barney’s and Bloomingdale’s
The 68 lbs. I inevitably gain in December	My Mom’s fudge
The people who are cold and hungry on Christmas	The volunteers that show up in swarms to help make it a little better for them
People who insist there’s a “war on Christmas”	The fact that other cultures and religions also have holidays this time of year, and all those who try to be inclusive and acknowledge that
White-elephant Christmas parties	Secret Santas
Getting a card from someone you should have sent one to but didn’t	Getting cards from friends and family you never talk to or see enough, and taking a few moments to think about them and wish them well
The way some people expect a tip.  I’m talking to you, paperboy.	The way people are just a little more generous and polite this time of year
Crowded airports and train stations	The hugs you get when you finally get where you’re going
The last minute preparations for dinner which nearly exploded in your face until just moments before people sat down	Lingering at the dinner table with your family on Christmas Eve
Kids jumping up and down on the bed trying to wake you up at 4 AM so they can open their presents	The look on their faces when they run down the stairs and rip into their stockings

Happy Holidays everybody!