Ask DadCentric!

Welcome to another installment of Ask DadCentric!, where we dispense fatherly wisdom in our own inimitable style. Today's question comes from exasperated reader/blogger Kevin, who writes:

"Dudes, you've got to help. Our little girl is just over 9 months old. She's got 4 teeth through successfully now, two up & two down, and we're pretty sure she's not teething at the moment, but she's suddenly become a TERROR to put to bed at night. She had been putting herself to sleep pretty well for a while, but it's like that skill has flown out the window. She goes down easily enough during the day for her naps, and she plays quite happily until she gets tired in the evening and starts rubbing her eyes, etc. She's a happy, healthy baby in all other respects. But when we try to put her down she goes nuts. We cuddle her, and sing to her, and she gets all dreamy & sleepy, and then we set foot in her room, and she knows she's going to bed, and it's on. We've tried Bongella (for her teeth), but no difference. We've taken her for walks, and she just cries. We can put her to sleep by taking her for a drive, or rocking her in my arms (eventually), but those aren't really feasible long-term. We'd try controlled crying, but there is no control to be had. Once we are able to get her into bed, she stands at the edge of her crib, screaming like something possessed, and it goes on & on & on until we pick her up, and then we go again, and she eventually exhausts her little self. My wife is frazzled beyond belief, my heart breaks every night as I don't know what to do & I can't stand to see my little girl unhappy, and I haven't had any sex for wayyyy too long. Help a brother out...."

Kevin, you’re fortunate that your little girl is 9 months old. The standard infant warranty covers one year, so you should be able to contact your customer service representative and get either a replacement or a full refund. Unless you got a display model, which are often sold “as is”. See what happens when you try to save a buck?  It sounds like you’re somewhat fond of your child, so I’m guessing that you’re not looking to trade her in. So let’s take a step back and look at the two general factors that could be at play here:

Physical ailment. My kid suffered from recurring ear infections, which often made it tough for him to sleep. If you haven’t done so, make an appointment with your pediatrician and get her checked out.

Behavioral issues. Well, duh. I’ll preface my advice here with a couple of disclaimers. First, starting at about 6 weeks of age, my kid slept through the night. Like a rock. Still does. (I’ll pause here to allow you all to make obscene gestures at your computer screens. Feel better? Let's move on then, shall we?) Second, it goes without saying that I’m not a Professional Child Behaviorist; my expertise extends to surfboard recommendations, what TV shows you should be watching, and where to get good Mexican food. But since you asked, here’s my five cents. I keep zeroing in on the notion that you’ve got a bit of a battle of wills going on here. This is one of the things that they don’t tell you about in Dad School: as your kid grows, they become more and more self-aware. This is fun when they do cool things like point at their reflections in the mirror and say their name. It’s not so much fun when they realize that strained green beans taste like ass, there’s no such thing as predestination, and flinging said ass-flavored beans across the room is now an option. Now, she’s eventually gonna lose this battle, since sleep will catch up with her. The trick is to avoid a Pyrrhic victory; you need to retain what’s left of your sanity, and the sex thing? Kind of important. One way to do that is make the crib a place that she enjoys – stuffed animals, a mobile, music, all of the above. Reinforce the notion that bedtime is a pleasant experience. We used one of those Fisher-Price Aquarium Thingies (yes, I believe that’s what they’re actually called) and it really helped settle Lucas down at bedtime. So there’s my admittedly pedestrian advice. Oh, and if you’re ever in San Diego, El Callejon has fantastic carnitas, and the salsa verde is to die for.

Want advice from the untrained, semi-skilled nonprofessionals here at DadCentric? Read this!

Comments

[Peter]

My son David went thru it at about the same age. Once you have determined that it is not physical and that you are caught up in a battle of wills you need to resolve to be victorious. If your kid is screaming and the only reason that she is screaming is to get you to do what she wants Do not oblige!

It took three days to break David. What I did was follow Super Nannies advice. My wife couldn't handle it. You know "I can't let my baby cry" Yes you can!

Put her down and then sit in the room. Don't make eye contact, just sit there so she can see you. With your first kid it is tough but after three nights she will realize it is no use and just go to sleep.

Keep a clock on it and you will see that the last three hours really only took twenty minutes.

Good luck and keep your resolve, she is trying to manipulate you.

[Tom N.]

I've had to just let my daughter cry at times, especially when she was older and it was clear she just wanted our attention. So I can second Peter's suggestion. But at other times, there were other factors.

You might want to try starting bedtime earlier. We'd slowly let our daughter's bedtime slip later and later (we eventually got to 8:30pm before being in the crib). Then we noticed she was having a harder time going to sleep. Shifting bedtime earlier by 30-45 minutes helped a surprising amount.

Another to be wary of, is the whole battle of wills. I fall into this trap all the time. Yes, you can win, but there can by Pyrrhic victories. You've got to be sneaky. One thing we did was to let our daughter play in the crib in the morning and in the middle of the day. Playing in the crib well away from bedtime gets around the suspicion of ulterior motives, and will indoctrinate her into thinking the crib is a fun place.

Good luck!

[Kathie]

Rituals are really important for kids of that age. By which i don't just mean that they need to go to bed at the same time every night (or as good as), they also need to prepare themselves for bedtime with rituals that remain exactly the same. So, let's assume you're putting your child to bed at 7:30pm, her bedtime ritual could begin around 6:30 pm with dinner, a bath, getting changed, a story, teeth cleaning and bed. Always in that order and always at around the same time. That way she knows what to expect and can start winding down to sleep much earlier....
Just my 2 cents...

[Whiffleboy]

I agree with Kathie. Our routine not only got our girls "with the program", it saved our sanity. From 5:30pm to 8:00pm, our entire house runs like a machine. Talk to your child about what's going to happen. "After dinner we're going to take a bath, then we're going to get our jammies on, then we're going to get some milkie, then read a book and then go night-night". As you lop off each task, reiterate what's left of the routine. I think knowing what to expect really helps them.