Ask DadCentric!

Once again, it's time to dust off the Tome Of All DadCentric Wisdom and give advice and counsel to an inquiring reader. Today's question comes from Mark, who writes:

We're (my girlfriend and I) not hitched.  My oh-so-conservative mom has handled the situation like a trooper for the most part, and is in fact our primary babysitter since we both work full time.  However, she is a tad on the...overprotective side.  Part of this is of course because this is her first grandchild.  However, she's just naturally a worrywart.  If there's something to be freaked out about, rest assured she'll find it.  Even if there isn't, don't worry, she'll come up with SOMEthing.  This has put us in kind of an awkward position at times.  My girlfriend, especially, feels really off-balance because of this.  It's kind of demeaning to have someone insisting you don't have enough layers on the baby just for the walk from the front door to the car -- particularly when you've already managed to raise an 11 year old to safety, like my girlfriend has. (To say nothing of the fact we live in Arizona.  If she freaks out during the easy winter season...she may not let us take him outside without an opaque bubble during the summer!)  Since I'm the baby in the family, I've always been used to having her assume I can't really take care of myself anyhow, so I'm more used to it.  Still though, there are definitely moments where I've got to bite my tongue after mom tries to give me a scolding for something that is really a parental judgment call.  How can we manage to deal with the situation without anyone's feelings getting too bruised?  And how can we enforce our way of doing things down the road, when there will surely be out and out disagreements on "but that isn't How Things Are Done"?  Any words of wisdom on grandparental relations (well, not RELATIONS...ewww) from the DadCentric crew?  Thanks!

Geez - advice on dealing with meddling parents? Why don't you ask me about how we're going to get out of Iraq without creating a power vacuum?

Here's the thing with parents. They mean well. Example: on tonight's episode of 24 (SPOILER WARNING!!! STOP READING IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED!!! MAJOR PLOT TWIST AHEAD!!!!! I'M SERIOUS!!! HENCE THE ALL CAPS AND LIBERAL USE OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!)....

....Jack decided to give the audiotape of President Logan and Christopher Henderson's chat about their involvement in killing David Palmer (bastards!) to his possible future father-in-law, Secretary of Defense Raines. Now, of course we know what's going to happen: SecDefFIL takes the tape, has his guys detain Jack, and spouts off some silly jive about "back in my day, when the President did bad things, we let him resign for the good of the country. Rather than send him to jail, to save the Presidency we made him leave the Oval Office. On foot. In the snow. Up hill. Both ways." In other words, Jack, a grown man who's tortured and killed at least 154 people in the course of saving the country four times, is still a dumbass kid. Now, Papa Raines is just trying to do what's best for the country, which means that he'll probably be dead by the end of the ep (I'm doing this post in real time, just like the show! Beepdonk - BEEPdonk - Beepdonk - BEEPdonk...) and his daughter will be a hostage. When really, all he had to do was step aside and let Jack shoot a few more guys, and maybe break someone's finger. Here, then, was a very relevant example of the generation gap, and how our parents sometimes forget that we're competant, capable adults. (Actually, something much worse happened to Audrey! Holy shit! As stupid as last season was, this season has PWNED.) (SIC)

Back to real life. The good thing is, your mom is eager and willing to help. The bad thing is that her idea of help seems to extend past the boundaries of tact. Your situation is not uncommon; I can think of a few times when I bristled at "advice" given to me by my parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors, co-workers, people in line at the grocery store...but when it comes right down to it, there are only two experts on your kid - you and your girlfriend. Your situation is tough, since your mom is also your daycare provider; there may be a sense that since she spends so much time with your kid, she's entitled to a say in how her grandchild is raised.  There's really not an easy answer here, but parents need to be assertive and establish themselves as the ones in charge, especially when it comes to things like discipline and "spoiling" the kid. The three of you need to be on the same page, and it's you and your girlfriend's call as to what that entails. Anyone else dealing with a similar situation?

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Comments

[chocolate makes it better]

He he....My very first post for DadCentric was about this topic. Sniff......ahhh those were the days!

http://www.dadcentric.com/2005/11/stand_up_for_yo.html

[kara]

yeah... I got nothin. My mother knows everything and is much more qualified to raise my child than I am (having raised more children than I and being a family healthcare provider (to people on welfare, no less) she spends most of her days examinging parents with one hand while taming their wiggling children with the other- I've seen her do it). My mother-in-law admits to knowing "nothing bout raisin' no babies"- and she lives on another continent, so we're more or less safe from her.

[Christy]

I think you just have to respond with a neutral comment like "thanks for your input, I didn't realize that" or "I've never heard that before" so it sound like you are taking advice, but then you can go ahead and do whatever you feel like. It will appease her long enough to move out of criticism range. If she gets really pushy you can always say something like "I think I've got a handle on it."

[Peter]

Tell her you love her and really appreciate the great job she did raising you and that she ought to back off and let all that hard work she did pay off.