When you have a child, life changes. There’s no way around it and, frankly, this should
come as no surprise to anyone with half a brain. If you thought that you or your significant
other was just putting on a few pounds in the shape of a beachball, your geese
aren’t flying in a perfect V. If you don’t
appreciate the fact that the very fabric out of which your life is woven will
be irrevocably altered, it’s time to get off the meth and into a rehab program. I’m not trying to scare prospective parents,
just telling the truth. Your life won’t
be the same. Suck it up.
The truth is, there isn’t one big change. It’s not like the kid gets squeezed from a
set of loins - boom - big change, angels
singing from on-high, life is different, you’re done. No. It’s
one big-ass change followed by hundreds if not thousands of little ones. Let’s say your daughter learns to take a
bottle. Your nighttime feeding routine
is now forever altered. The male member
of the family will never sleep through the night again. Or, she learns to pee whenever her diaper is
taken off. Your everyday
around-the-house attire now consists of yellow fishermen’s rain gear and a
snorkel. For every milestone reached,
there is an equal and opposite parental milestone.
Yesterday, my daughter crawled for the first time.
We giggled. We
clapped. We found crap that she probably
wanted to get her hands on and, like the sadistic bitches we are, positioned them
halfway across the room so she’d do it again. And then we had our <i>oh shit</i> moment. The moment in which we suddenly realized we
would never, ever sit down again. The moment
in which we realized that anything of value we owned would be at the mercy of
our daughter, the one who tries to eat the cat. And what of the poor cat? Do they
make protective gear for cats? Helmets
and little paw pads? So we donned our
black unitards and hoods, transforming into an elite squad of childproofing
ninjas and scoured the house, attempting to think like an 8 month old (not hard
for me) and mitigate future disasters.
Eventually, there will be driver’s licenses, short skirts
and boys. I shudder to think how that
will change my life. Or hers. But I know, there will always be something. She’s totally worth it.
