In Defense of Booze!

"Former Rep. Mark Foley, under FBI investigation for e-mail exchanges with teenage congressional pages, has checked himself into rehabilitation facility for alcoholism treatment and accepts responsibility for his actions."-AP News

“After drinking alcohol, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable."- Mel Gibson in People

I'm sick of alcohol getting a bad rap. 

If you know me in real life, you'll also know that a failure to accept personal responsibility in one's life is quite possibly my greatest pet peeve. I'm a big fan of people taking responsibility for their actions. In our current culture of victimization, it's become the norm for people to not be held accountable and to feel justified feeling moral indignation for being wronged. 

Mark Foley didn't become a pedophile because of booze. Nor did alcohol make Mel Gibson a raving anti-Semite. Alcohol may have been a contributing factor as to why these two celebrities revealed their true inner thoughts.  However, alcohol didn't make them that way! Don't be passing the blame onto the hooch!

So, real quickly, let's talk about some of the great things about alcohol...

(1) Alcohol makes most people (especially yourself) funnier, interesting, and better-looking. Sure, you may look like Nick Nolte and smell worse than the homeless guy who sleeps outside your building every night but, deep down, you know you're smoother than Pierce Brosnan. Who's cooler than you, playa?

(2) Alcohol makes you forget your problems. If you think about what's going on these days, life can get pretty damn depressing.  Our nation is at war. Gas costs more than drugs. The economy is slowing. On the home front, the bills are adding up. The mortage is late. And work is crushing your soul. But you know what? A few drinks can solve ALL your problems. After a few hours of boozing, the most serious life issue that you'll be contemplating is whether to get chili or cheese on that 2:00 am hotdog. Alcohol is what enables us to say, "Fuck it! Life is short. Why not get both?"

(3) Alcohol makes the best stories. How many funny stories have we heard that wouldn't really be funny if not for alcohol? For example, my favorite story is the night I went out with my buddy Cleves and the two of us got rip-roaring drunk. Cleves came home and passed out in bed. A few minutes later, he heard his wife yelling at him, "What the hell are you doing?" My buddy Cleves replied, "Nothing! I'm in the bathroom." At that point, his wife turned on the lights and saw that her beloved husband and the father of her children had opened their curtains and was peeing all over their bedroom window. If not for booze, this story would be a little sad.  However, knowing that alcohol was involved makes it hilarious!

(4) Hangovers can be fun. A few weeks ago, we left our daughter at the grandparents' house for an overnight visit. To celebrate, BossLady and I hit the town hard for a much-needed night of debauchery. I got so drunk that, at one point, I found myself dancing with a couple of tourists from Arkansas. The next day was even more fun than the night before.  Despite the fact that I felt like I'd been beaten by the LAPD, the BossLady and I spent the entire day snuggled up together on the couch watching mindless movies on TBS and eating greasy Chinese food. Tell me, people. If alcohol is so bad for you, then why did God invent General Tso's chicken? 

(5) Strangers become loved ones. I can't tell you how many times I've been in Asia on business working 15-hour days in a conference room with a bunch of conservative guys in dark suits who look like they haven't cracked a smile since the Ming Dynasty.  But put a little alcohol in them and the next thing you know, they're hugging you in a karaoke room while drunkenly singing "Sweet Caroline" to you and  not only telling you what a great guy you are but also how they'd like to invite you to their wedding!  (P.S. Can we pass some kind of law that bans people from singing "Sweet Caroline" together?)

Don't you think booze is getting a bad rap these days?  Don't you think we need to defend our good friend from getting maligned?  What should we do about it?  Anyone want to start a petition?