The Top 5 Parental Sex Aids for 2007
I thought to kick this year off with a bang I would post about the thing we all love best. Sex.
Cmon!, you love it, I love it, as parents we don’t get nearly enough of it so here are some handy tips to help you get more.
The use of the Parental sex aids listed below is purely a recommendation, these may not work for everybody but I have found all of them incredibly useful from time to time. Hopefully you will to.
Parental Sex Aid Number 5 – Vaseline
I love this stuff. Rub some of this on your knob and there is no way those kids are getting through the door. Their little hands slip and slide all over that door knob and you can get at least 15mins before they start to cry out “mummy, are you ok? Why are you yelling like that?”
Parental Sex Aid Number 4 – Watermelon
I don’t know about your kids but give mine a piece of watermelon, you’re good for at least 12.5mins.
Parental Sex Aid Number 3 – Finding Nemo
As much as I hate the idea of the TV being a babysitter, sometimes you have to make that sacrifice for the greater good of getting a little Nookie. I am forever indebted to the makers of Finding Nemo however hearing Bruce the shark yell out “Just a bite” when you're diving for pearls can be kinky, weird and funny all at the same time.
Parental Sex Aid Number 2 – Play Dough
This stuff is even better than watermelon! Give the kiddly-winks some of this stuff and you can have un-interrupted monster mashing for a good half an hour.
The Number One Parental Sex Aid for 2007– Grandparents
Drop off the little ones at the moldy oldies and you’re in for a whole glorious night of “how’s your grandfather” wink wink nudge nudge know what I mean?
Well these are my top 5 parental sex aids for 2007. Now that you know about them, hopefully you can go forth and use them as much as I do to get it aaawwwwwnnnn.
you had me at knob
Posted by: whit | January 18, 2007 at 02:28 PM
we combined three and four... we'd give the boys a bowl of ice cream and shrek... that would give us a good twenty to thirty minutes... obviously more than enough time ;)
Posted by: J in Ric | January 18, 2007 at 06:04 PM
You are a genius. If you wrote a book on this I would buy it.
Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | January 18, 2007 at 07:31 PM
I just use chloroform.
Posted by: Whiffleboy | January 18, 2007 at 08:07 PM
You, sir, are the love child of Paul Hogan and Barry White.
Posted by: Jason | January 18, 2007 at 08:16 PM
this is AWESOME. My wife's taking the kid to her mother's this weekend! Oh wait...
Posted by: greg from daddytypes | January 18, 2007 at 09:45 PM
Very funny...In England knob is a word for penis and I got stuck at this line: "Rub some of this on your knob and there is no way those kids are getting through the door." Finally I got that you meant doorknob.
Posted by: emma | January 19, 2007 at 04:32 AM
I just about pissed my pants laughing, Pete - nice post!
Posted by: IFLYG | January 19, 2007 at 05:36 AM
You forgot about naps. Naps are the best time. If I'm quick enough, my wife doesn't even wake up...
Posted by: Kaz | January 19, 2007 at 06:17 AM
Thanks for the tips!
Posted by: slackermommy | January 19, 2007 at 06:51 AM
A truly "touching" post. Thanks for this.
Posted by: Asha | January 19, 2007 at 07:02 AM
12.5 minutes is rather generous - I only need 2 minutes to get the deed done. ;)
I guess the 10.5 for a nap?
Posted by: Blah | January 19, 2007 at 01:44 PM
Holy shyte. This is pretty funny stuff. I read the bit about the knob three times before I "got it".
Posted by: Jeff | January 19, 2007 at 02:20 PM
Ha ha ha, these are GREAT!!
Posted by: MamaDuck | January 20, 2007 at 07:09 AM
These are very helpful -- thanks for sharing!
Posted by: RookieMom Heather | January 20, 2007 at 10:55 PM
LMBO!!! I am only laughing with you!!! We have done all of these & then some. You want a quick-y put in a furnace that needs attending (we have coal), then slip off to the basement. I figure it will only work better as they get older & more put off by the thought of work!
Posted by: Lisa Knight | January 21, 2007 at 10:06 AM
Brilliant! Right now we've still got Elmo as our #1 marital aid, but that's only 15 minutes long. I long for that sweet, sweet day in the not-so-distant future that she'll sit through the entire Finding Nemo.
Posted by: Mom101 | January 22, 2007 at 05:43 PM
LOL and um LOL. our kids are 10 and 12 now but I clearly recall toddler days with an ADHD kid only sex I got was... well n/m I didnt.
Posted by: mrszigzagman | January 23, 2007 at 05:37 PM
My sister sent me this. Our trick is to put the little ones in a cage and lock it. We dont have "kids". Now I know why. I'm sticking to fuzzy kids.
Posted by: Charlotte | February 27, 2007 at 02:33 PM