2007 Dadcentric Academy Awards Preview

It's that time of year again, when America takes a few hours away from it’s maniacal focus on Britney Spears' head (inside and out) to watch over-payed movie stars congratulate themselves at how totally awesome they are. I admit to being a sucker for the Oscars (way more than the god damn Grammies…Dixie Chicks my ass) and even the punishment of watching otherwise talented actors awkwardly read lame jokes off teleprompters can't overcome the joy of seeing what weirdo will pop up to accept the award for best live-action short.

It was a tough year for me and the movies, what with the whole having-a-child, not-having-a-babysitter, completely-uninterested-in-the-British-Royal-Family thing. But I still like to make predictions, and here’s my stab at what to expect on Sunday.

Best Supporting Actor: Among the actual nominees, I would give it to Marky Mark. He was in a movie with the Joker, Jason Bourne, the original (and best) Jack Ryan, and that annoying kid from Growing Pains, and he still stole the movie. And he did it without showing us his dong! However, the actual winner should be: David Bowie for The Prestige. Why? Because he’s David Fucking Bowie. 

Best Supporting Actress: Among the actual nominees, I'm tempted to go with the naked chick from Babel, but that's only because she was naked. And creepy. In reality, Adriana Barrazza was way better, and someone needs to say it before they hand the statue to the American Idol reject. However, the actual winner should be: Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta. Dude, she blew up Parliament! And shaved her head! And not because she was crazy! Plus, I've had a crush on her since The Professional, so there.

Best Original Screenplay: This is the award they give to the movie that everybody loved but never had a shot at Best Picture. By that logic it will probably go to Little Miss Sunshine, but my pick from the nominees is Pan's Labyrinth. Scary good...go see it now (but don't expect a sweet fairy tale). However, the actual winner should be: Jackass: Number Two. Milking a horse, rectal-bleeding, a leech on the eye, and creative use of Wee Man…C’mon!!! That’s Oscar gold, baby!

Best Adapted Screenplay: Notes on a Scandal. Didn’t see it. Know nothing about it.  Don't care.  Why not?  However, the honor should go to: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Anyone who can write such gems as "I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger," and can name kids Walker and Texas Ranger is welcome in our home any day.

Best Actor: I'm going to have to go with Ghost Dog for this category. He's paid his dues. Usually being the guy who has to fake-laugh at Robin Williams or the other mean alien in Battlefield Earth would kill a career, but he kept it going long enough to guest star in every episode of ER and The Shield this year.  However, the best actor award should go to: Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.  Are you kidding me?  NO CONTEST.  Pierce who?  Finally, a James Bond that will fuck you up if you cross him. I give Roger Moore no more than six seconds in a cage-match battle with Mr. Craig.  Tops.

Best Actress: I'm going with the conventional wisdom and picking Helen Mirren. Partially because Winslet, Blanchett, and Streep are obligatory nominees (didn't Meryl get nominated for The River Wild, too?) and I can't get the image of Penelope Cruz in Vanilla Sky out of my mind. But mostly because her body of work includes Morgana in Excalibur and the Russian space captain in 2010. However, the prize should go to: Scarlett Johansson.  She can't act her way out of a tissue box, and I don't even know what she was in this year, but strangely I feel strangely drawn to her. Yes, that’s an Oscar in my pocket, AND I'm happy to see you.

Best Director: Scorcese. For the love of god will you PLEASE just give him an Oscar so we can all shut up about it and move on with our lives?

Best Picture: Among the nominees, I have to go with The Departed. The cast rocked (even the people who died, which I think totaled 374), the script was tight, brutal, and funny, and the ending knocked me on my ass. But sadly, the best movie of the year didn't make the Academy’s cut. If it were my award show, the winner for Best Picture would be: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. If the title alone wasn’t enough to warrant an award, I'd add the creative use of an ice cream truck and a bear, the "traditional marriage sack," and the reclamation of the word "retard" from vice grip of political correctness. Wa-wa-wee-wa!