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February 28, 2007

A Small Tragedy

Boc It was suggested, by my dear wife, that we give Lucas something special for his third birthday. The gift of life. No, not a new pancreas. A living thing. A fish, in this case. He loves SeaWorld, and this could be his little own aquatic entertainment park, a park with the added benefit of having in its sole, tiny tank an animal that won't slowly go mad over the course of years spent in captivity.

"A fish", I said, "is a bad idea. What happens if - when - it dies a week later?"

We have a pet, as you know - Mick, our beloved dog, our faithful canine companion, and the centerpiece of our eventual first conversation with the kid about Death. "Well, Lucas, Mick was an old boy, and now he's up in Heaven with the other doggies, barking at the sun and chasing birdies through the clouds...what? Do I believe in Heaven? Er...well...oh, look, the Doodlebops are on!" Not something I'm looking forward to. As George Carlin once said, when you buy a pet, you know it's going to end badly. You've just purchased a small tragedy!

Hopefully, that chat is a ways away. (Barring that, hopefully the Koreans perfect pet cloning, and barring that, hopefully I can find the Pet Sematary. Sometimes dead is not better.) I'm just not ready to talk to a three-year-old about what it means to die. I have this horrific vision of him wandering into the bathroom just as I'm sending Cleo The Goldfish "down the pipe where the pee-pee goes". More to the point, he's eventually going to have someone close to him - a pet, or a person - pass away. I'd prefer that he learns about that later, rather than sooner, because the first time it happens, something inside of you passes away as well.

So Beth agreed  - no fish this year. He's really liking soccer these days, so I suggested a little soccer goal for the backyard. Good game, soccer. Nobody ever got killed playing soccer, right?

February 27, 2007

Old Yeller

I'm not proud to admit this, but, my daughter has successfully transformed me in to one who yells.  I really don't know how it happened - well...yeah, I guess I kind of do - but my current penchant for raising the voice is not on the short list of what most folks who know me would classify as one of my attributes (wow, this continues to be that was a long sentence).  I'm historically a pretty mellow guy.  But I've changed and I don't like this change.

Perhaps yelling is the lazy man's way of dealing with kids when they're troublesome.  Sometimes you just don't want to deal with the timeouts and the subsequent screaming child.  It's easier to yell at them, scare them in to submission, and be done with it.  I'll fess up that I've been doing that a lot lately.  It sucks too.  It's bad enough that she sees me livid like that.  But the yelling is usually accompanied by hollow threats of timeouts or other takeaways and actions that I really have no intention of following through on because, as I stated, these are exactly the kinds of things I'm trying to avoid by yelling in the first place.  It's just stupid.

I also realize that I'm slowly but surely building up her resistance to my yelling every time I do it. It's losing its effectiveness with each occurrence.  She's learning that an angry Dad could be the worst that could happen in any given situation.  Pretty soon, she won't give a rat's ass and she'll continue whatever it is she's doing without a second thought.  And then what am I left with?  The same thing I should've began with - our usual timeouts and such that actually work when we use them.

I'm curious if anyone else out there is experiencing anything similar?  Or am I the only guy out there who yells?  I SAID AM I THE ONLY GUY OUT THERE WHO YELLS!!!

   

February 26, 2007

Boys on the Side

My wife and I have recently engaged in a trial run of life sans meat.  It's not very hard, and at times can be quite entertaining, as I have to go to greater and more creative lengths to fill my stomach with something other than Sweetarts and whisky.

The challenge has been cooking for the kids.  Neither my wife or I have any delusions about us becoming full-fledged, dues paying vegetarians, and for that reason we have decided not to force even a temporary flax-seed diet on our boys.  It's bad enough we're making them Yankees fans.

However, if I am preparing a meal for the entire family, which with my wife working long hours usually consists of just me and Things 1 and 2, respectively, it becomes less a matter of creativity and more an issue of laziness and time management.

Like any man in a meatless marriage, I have found myself searching for fulfillment on the side.  In this case sides, plural.  Our meals have become more about what surrounds the now vacant space on our plate than what was once in said space.

Lifestyle

For instance, we just had mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and a lightly buttered english muffin for lunch.  Last night we had salad, strawberries and about a dozen chocolate chip cookies for dinner and the subsequent dessert.  Basically, we eat on the side.  On the side of what? Caution.

Our kids, specifically the 3 1/2 year old, eat fairly well.  He has equal amounts soy and cow juice.  He eats more apples than candy. Relatively speaking, the kids have a more balanced diet than I do.  Plus, they get more exercise.

I'm just afraid that a lack of meat, or to be more precise, the growth hormone found in meat, is going to keep my boys off of the basketball team.  I need my boys to get scholarships.  I haven't saved a dime for their eduction.

For the time being we're going forward with our current menu status, and that is going to mean preparing additional items for the kids or discovering more creative combinations of non-meat items.

Who knows, this could be broccoli's chance to redeem itself.




February 22, 2007

2007 Dadcentric Academy Awards Preview

Sorvino It's that time of year again, when America takes a few hours away from it’s maniacal focus on Britney Spears' head (inside and out) to watch over-payed movie stars congratulate themselves at how totally awesome they are. I admit to being a sucker for the Oscars (way more than the god damn Grammies…Dixie Chicks my ass) and even the punishment of watching otherwise talented actors awkwardly read lame jokes off teleprompters can't overcome the joy of seeing what weirdo will pop up to accept the award for best live-action short.

It was a tough year for me and the movies, what with the whole having-a-child, not-having-a-babysitter, completely-uninterested-in-the-British-Royal-Family thing. But I still like to make predictions, and here’s my stab at what to expect on Sunday.

Best Supporting Actor: Among the actual nominees, I would give it to Marky Mark. He was in a movie with the Joker, Jason Bourne, the original (and best) Jack Ryan, and that annoying kid from Growing Pains, and he still stole the movie. And he did it without showing us his dong! However, the actual winner should be: David Bowie for The Prestige. Why? Because he’s David Fucking Bowie

Best Supporting Actress: Among the actual nominees, I'm tempted to go with the naked chick from Babel, but that's only because she was naked. And creepy. In reality, Adriana Barrazza was way better, and someone needs to say it before they hand the statue to the American Idol reject. However, the actual winner should be: Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta. Dude, she blew up Parliament! And shaved her head! And not because she was crazy! Plus, I've had a crush on her since The Professional, so there.

Best Original Screenplay: This is the award they give to the movie that everybody loved but never had a shot at Best Picture. By that logic it will probably go to Little Miss Sunshine, but my pick from the nominees is Pan's Labyrinth. Scary good...go see it now (but don't expect a sweet fairy tale). However, the actual winner should be: Jackass: Number Two. Milking a horse, rectal-bleeding, a leech on the eye, and creative use of Wee Man…C’mon!!! That’s Oscar gold, baby!

Best Adapted Screenplay: Notes on a Scandal. Didn’t see it. Know nothing about it.  Don't care.  Why not?  However, the honor should go to: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Anyone who can write such gems as "I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger," and can name kids Walker and Texas Ranger is welcome in our home any day.

Best Actor: I'm going to have to go with Ghost Dog for this category. He's paid his dues. Usually being the guy who has to fake-laugh at Robin Williams or the other mean alien in Battlefield Earth would kill a career, but he kept it going long enough to guest star in every episode of ER and The Shield this year.  However, the best actor award should go to: Daniel Craig in Casino Royale.  Are you kidding me?  NO CONTEST.  Pierce who?  Finally, a James Bond that will fuck you up if you cross him. I give Roger Moore no more than six seconds in a cage-match battle with Mr. Craig.  Tops.

Best Actress: I'm going with the conventional wisdom and picking Helen Mirren. Partially because Winslet, Blanchett, and Streep are obligatory nominees (didn't Meryl get nominated for The River Wild, too?) and I can't get the image of Penelope Cruz in Vanilla Sky out of my mind. But mostly because her body of work includes Morgana in Excalibur and the Russian space captain in 2010. However, the prize should go to: Scarlett Johansson.  She can't act her way out of a tissue box, and I don't even know what she was in this year, but strangely I feel strangely drawn to her. Yes, that’s an Oscar in my pocket, AND I'm happy to see you.

Best Director: Scorcese. For the love of god will you PLEASE just give him an Oscar so we can all shut up about it and move on with our lives?

Best Picture: Among the nominees, I have to go with The Departed. The cast rocked (even the people who died, which I think totaled 374), the script was tight, brutal, and funny, and the ending knocked me on my ass. But sadly, the best movie of the year didn't make the Academy’s cut. If it were my award show, the winner for Best Picture would be: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. If the title alone wasn’t enough to warrant an award, I'd add the creative use of an ice cream truck and a bear, the "traditional marriage sack," and the reclamation of the word "retard" from vice grip of political correctness. Wa-wa-wee-wa!

February 20, 2007

Disneyland: The Suckiest Place on Earth

EvilmickeyI'd only been in the Magic Kingdom for an hour, and I was ready to kill someone.

We thought we were being smart - yeah, it was Saturday, but it was the "off season", the perfect time to go. Cool weather, and the legions of people who descend upon the park like Xerxes' hordes wouldn't be massing at these particular Hot Gates until summer.

Right.

The first indicator that we were in for a time - the temperature at 10:00 was 85 degrees. We hit the road at noon - Anaheim's about an hour from our house - and the mercury was hitting 92. Goddammit. The plan was to meet Beth's parents at the entrance plaza at 1:00. We arrived at the park at 12:30, and were greeted by big flashing signs that said PARK IS VERY BUSY TODAY, which was nice but not necessary, as we sat in a line of cars waiting to get into the parking lot. A half an hour or so later, after meeting up with the in-laws, we made our way into the park.

It was packed. I did a mental exercise - calculated the number of times I've been to Disneyland over the course of 37 years (at least 30) - and with great certainty proclaimed that this was, by far, the most crowded I'd ever seen it. It was like Vegas on New Year's Eve, without the fires and half-naked chicks hanging from streetlights. Six figures' worth of humanity, most of them with kids, all of them sweaty and seething.

The highlights: the tattooed guy who kicked his son in the ass - literally, gave the kid a kick in the ass  - for walking too slow; waiting an hour for lunch (a half hour to get our heat-lamped burgers and fries, another half hour to find a place to sit); watching as a family of five cut in front of us into the line at Mickey's House via an emergency exit door and listening to the mom proudly telling everyone in her family that she didn't care who she pissed off, she wasn't "gonna wait in no line to see no motha-fuckin' Mickey Mouse" (to his credit, her husband talked her into leaving, partially because her kids were all teenagers who really could have given two tin shits about getting their picture taken with Mickey, partially because he took a look around and saw murder in the eyes of every adult that had been in that line for 45 minutes before they jumped in); standing by/waiting for a table with my hungry squirming son in my arms - we had a late dinner, thanks to more waiting in lines - a table occupied by some twenty-something shithead and his girlfriend, who had finished their dinner when we got to the restaurant twenty minutes before and were ignoring me, instead choosing to pretend to read their park map (it was upside down; finally, the guy's girlfriend hustled him out of there, having heard enough of Lucas' crying, and presumably having realized that making a guy stand there holding his crying kid makes you a twat of the highest caliber). We were at the park until 9:00, when we looked down and saw Lucas passed out in his stroller. Leaving was imperative; the fireworks were starting (the kid slept right through 'em) and if we didn't get the hell out of there before the other 97,739 people, we might never escape.

Some forty eight hours later, I'm still exhausted. Lucas, however, is still feeling the Disney buzz, talking to whoever will listen about the "pirate ride" and the Teacups and his new favorite, the animatronic parrots of The Tiki Room. Which, come to think of it, still put on a fine show.

February 19, 2007

Rejuvenile: The DadCentric Review

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Young at heart has come of age. Rejuvenile, the latest book by author Christopher Noxon, is an interesting and often humorous look at the proverbial inner-child and the increasingly common practice of letting that kid run. 

I must admit, I don't feel like a grown-up.  Seriously.  I still feel about the same way I did when I was in my twenties.  Early twenties.  I'll be 36 in a couple of weeks and while I am a married, home owning, bill paying, handsome son of a gun with two small children, I am not, according to the experts Noxon sites, a grown-up.  Some say my penchant for hours of playground activity is a menace to the way of western civilization.  Some say it is only natural (and a hell of a lot more fun).  Noxon tends to hold with the later. 

The rejuvenile embraces fun.  That fun can be in play for the sake of play, in collecting items often considered marketed for younger people, or interacting with one's own child.  In the introduction he states, "By loitering in territory established as the exclusive dominion of children, rejuveniles are challenging a rarely examined assumption: that one's age should dictate one's activities, social group, and mind-set.  Adults...are blithely shredding those scripts to confetti, giggling as the pieces float to the ground."

He continues, "Traditional adulthood didn't do us any favors... mostly a remnant of the Industrial Revolution, a set of standards established to encourage regularity, stability, steadfastness, and other virtues that aren't worth half as much now as one hundred years ago."

While the nay-sayers, labeled "Harrumphing Codgers" are pretty much cast as sticks in the proverbial mud, the term "rejuvenile" is not "meant to be entirely celebratory", rather it is "value-neutral."  He lists among them Walt Disney, Albert Einstein and Steve Jobs. They are "geniuses, mavericks, oddballs, and crackpots."  Which one are you?

The roots of the movement, that being the resistance to the rigors of growing up, is attributed by Noxon to the turn of the twentieth century and most notably, the first flight of the eternal child, Peter Pan.  For play, to the rejuvenile, "is indeed the whole point of life."  Pan embodies a passion for fun that is infectious and inspiring, and sometimes downright dangerous.  Most rejuveniles are able to incorporate this spirit and balance it within the confines of an otherwise adult life, meaning one with responsibility and consequence.  Others, not so much.

There is a saying of disputed origin that embodies the modern rejuvenile:  We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing.  What does this motto mean today?  Adults are more and more subject to the "trickle-up effect of childhood play".  Otherwise "normal" people have either picked up extreme habits from the youth, or they never let it go from their own childhood.  Skateboarding, snowboarding, and the like have helped maintain a level of youthfulness that no cubicle can confine.  The lines between the hoods (child and adult, respectively) has become more and more blurry.

So the rejuvenile is what? The love-child of the Industrial Revolution and Peter Pan? Yes and no. 

A generation ago, adults could expect to finish school, get married, and start a career all within a few years.  Now people are living together before getting married, working while in school...and taking full advantage of their immunity from the expectations inherent in being a parent, husband, or wife.  They are, to borrow a sociological term, on "role hiatus," free to try things out, screw up, move back home, and try again.  Along the way, they're forging a new sense of adulthood-one that has less to do with what they've achieved than how they feel.

What's required of the rejuvenile, then, is a careful, deliberate, and yes, mature accounting of those qualities that come naturally to kids that can also contribute to rich and meaningful adult lives-and a weeding out of those qualities that are best consigned to childhood.

The book is a comprehensive study of what makes this movement a movement and not just a load of shit.  It examines the beauty of romantic ideals and the failures of ignorance, fear, and the embarrassment associated with trying too hard- often in the same sentence.

Chances are, like me, you are somewhere within the labels and examples given. I'm a little from  Column A and little from Column  B, a mixed-nut of adult and parental responsibilities with the carefree lust for fun expected of someone half my age (maybe a third).  Hello, my name is Whit, and I'm a rejuvenile.  I've been called worse.

Noxon, himself an admitted rejuvenile, does have some concerns which he voices throughout the book; among them the role of the media and corporate America in creating an adult-sized appetite for all things kid-like.  Yet, he concludes, "in the end, though, I don't think the rejuvenile impulse is ultimately rooted in any of those things.  When you boil it down, I think we rejuveniles are attempting to hang on to the part of ourselves that feels most genuinely human.  We believe that there is more value in what we came in with that what we are taught."

Amen to that brother.  Amen.

February 14, 2007

DadCentric P.S.A.

This is a public service announcement.  If it had been an actual emergency it would have been written in all CAPS.  That would imply that I was screaming.

Reminder to all men:  Today is Hallmark Day.  This is the day that St. Hallmark drove all of the chocolate out of Belgium, only to see his shadow and declare that there would be one more year of marital bliss IF every lovely woman in a man's life gets some of that exiled candy and one of his business cards (they have his name on the back).

That is the Pagan version of the holiday.  The contemporary Christian take is that a little man with wings and wearing nothing but a diaper is flying all over the world in one night and shooting Viagra laced arrows into the butts of mankind.  Leave milk and cookies for him if you like, although it is rumored he prefers a nice Pinot Noir and Bon Bons.

If you are one of the many that may have forgotten the significance of today, do not fret.  There are ample avenues open to you.

Some say flowers are the way to go, although I understand jewelry is rarely frowned upon.  A decent meal has saved many a relationship and a good bottle of wine has started a few more.  Poetry and mixed-CD's add a personal (cheap) touch, and homemade coupons for things she might enjoy (i.e., no "free blowjob anytime") are known to bring a smile.20060214_elephants

The important thing is that the day is acknowledged and that the recipient of said gifts is aware that you remembered.  Women are big on remembering.  You may want to write that down.

It doesn't have to be fancy.  Hell, even Paris Hilton would probably be happy with some sincere sentiment.

Good luck Gentlemen.

This concludes our DadCentric public service announcement.

February 13, 2007

As She Grows

Yesterday I asked my 3 year old daughter to pick up the cheese stick wrapper she'd left on the floor and to put it in the trash.  "I'm busy," she says.  "Oh. OK, well when you get a chance can you just..." and then I stopped myself for a moment of reflection.  Was I about to engage in an actual conversation with my [once] baby daughter?  The precious beauty that I used to cradle in my arms while wondering in amazement at the miracle that is newborn life?  The helpless creature that I had a part in creating?  The little being that has brought me more joy than anything else I have experienced or will ever experience again?  Where has my baby gone?  It's all moving too fast.

And then I thought to myself, "Fuck that.  Did she just tell me she was too busy?"

February 12, 2007

Shot in the Arm

There appears to be a great controversy brewing.  No, it has nothing to do with which is more appropriate: chardonnay and pinot grigio or vodka martinis and cosmos at Friday's playdate?

Nope - lawmakers across the country are debating the merits of mandatory HPV vaccinations for girls, which, proponents claim, would k.o. the virus linked to cervical cancer.  The American Cancer Society estimates that approximately 11,500 women will develop invasive cervical cancer and about 3,600 will die from it.  The question whether or not to require the shots (three doses over 6 months at $120 a pop) heated up a week ago when Texas governor, Rick Perry, issued an executive order requiring the vaccine for 11- and 12-year-old girls (parents can opt out for reasons of conscience).  In that time, 18 other states have opened debate and are similarly considering legislation, though the measures have drawn the ire of anti-vaccine and religious conservative groups.

Clinical trials indicate the vaccine stymied infection with two strains of HPV that cause 70% of cervical cancers and two strains responsible for 90% or genital warts.  Research indicates that most cervical cancer occurs in adult women, however, the Centers for Disease Control recommend the injections be given before puberty (11- to 12-years old) or as young as 9-years-of-age.  Opponents argue that although the vaccine, Gardasil, is effective in preventing cancer and genital warts, the glaring difference between HPV and other diseases currently vaccinated against (HepA, HepB, DVT, etc) is that HPV is contracted in only one way: through sexual contact.  Conservatives and parents rights groups argue the requirement would encourage premarital sex and interfere with the way they raise their children.  This is all well and good, but since most people with genital HPV never know they have HPV, it is possible (and, in some respects, probable**) they will be infected at some point in their lives.

Where do you come down on this debate?  Should it be mandatory?  Should it be up to the parents in this case?

I'm not sure where I come down on this yet.  I don't like being told by the government or others how best to raise my children i.e. when to have certain conversations, whether or not I can spank, whether or not I can drink responsibly in front of my children.  As an adult and parent, I have the freedom and the responsibility to make these decisions on my own without interference.  Would I consider having my daughter vaccinated against it?  I would.  But it's also up to Mrs. Big Dubya as well.  And I don't think it should be up to some legislator to tell me I need to get my daughter vaccinated against a sexually transmitted disease.

So, maybe I do know where I come down on this.  Look at that.

**According to CDC Web site and info on HPV

Who Does Number Two Work For?!

Up until recently, Beth and I were sure that we had this whole parenting thing down. We've mastered the art of getting Lucas to - happily! - climb into bed and go to sleep. We've made the Time Out and the "I'm gonna count to THREE..." speech the fairly effective cornerstones of our Bad Boy Management program. He eats carrots AND asparagus! And - once - broccoli!

One challenge remains. And it's a doozy. More accurately, a doody.

We entered potty training with high hopes. Lucas was pretty curious about the toilet, and liked to take a ringside seat every time I went to take a leak. A bit unnerving, having an audience, but we figured that if he watched Daddy use the can, he'd want to do it himself. That turned out to be true - within a few weeks, he'd calmly tell us, "I hafta peep" (peep, that was the exact word) and we'd walk into the bathroom, he'd drop trou and dipe, climb up on the Big Boy Potty, and pee like a pro. (Well, as he pees sitting down because he's not tall enough to do it standing up, a WNBA pro.) He no longer pees in his pants. At all. Even at night. Excellent.

Trouble is, he's yet to master the other half of the Elimination Equation.

We've tried everything. Incentives - a piece of candy if he sits on the potty and poops. Logic - "Lucas, do you go pee-pee in your pants?" "Noooooo." "Then do you go poop in your pants?" "Um - nooooooo." "Ok then!" "Daddy?" "Yes, Lucas?" "I pooped in my pants." Nothing seems to be working.  You'd think that he'd want to take a dump in the toilet rather than in his underwear - we're phasing him out of pullups, thinking that will help. Nope.

I was about to type something along the lines of "I know that he'll figure it out at some point. Any suggestions you all have would be greatly appreciated." But just now, Lucas emerged from the back of the house to inform us that "Mick drank the water from the potty, and I got the water from the potty on my hand and drank it too."

Sigh.

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