The Lives of The Dead

By now, the blood on the dormitory walls has dried; a hard scale that'll eventually be scrubbed away, once the investigations are over. Science tells us that it'll never truly be gone, that the cells of those dead students and professors will be embedded in those buildings forever; of course, memory also will ensconce them there as well. And of course, every time there's a school shooting – how horrific it is that we can now say "every time there's a school shooting" - the questions and finger pointing begin, always aimed at what most people believe to be the heart of the matter: gun control.

But there's another question that's been on my mind this morning. Oddly, it popped into my head as I watched Lucas power down an oversized bowl of Rice Krispies.

What if that were my kid?

What if he killed people? And what if he'd sent a video to NBC shortly beforehand, explaining in obscene detail why it was that those people had to die?

Could I have done anything?

What if, over the years, I'd received warnings, warnings from doctors and police that there were signs, that my kid was clinically depressed, that he was perhaps dangerous, to himself, to others?

Would I have done anything?

I feel for Cho Seung-Hui's parents. I see them looking at a photo of him as a baby, new to the world. It's impossible, I think, to not have a modicum of grief for them; this does not detract in any way from the grief one feels for the parents of those that he murdered. But I wonder about his parents as well. I wonder if they recognized, somewhere along the way, that something was not right with their son. I wonder if they tried to do something, to talk to him, to get him to a psychiatrist, something, anything. As parents, our instinct is to place our kids on pedestals; they're just kids, we reason, and whatever this is – the sullenness, the anger, the isolation – it'll pass. Hell, we turned out fine!

I'm reminded of the Vietnam vet and writer Gustav Hasford, who wrote that "the dead know only one thing: that it is better to be alive." The questions we ask after such things are moot, in a sense; the answers don't bring anyone back. I think of Dylan Klebold's parents, and Eric Harris', and wonder how it was that they did not know about the pipe bombs in the bedrooms. In the same way, I wonder about Cho's parents. What kept them from seeing a hard, dark truth about their kids?

Could they have done anything? I don't know.

Perhaps the real question is – did they try?

Comments

[whit]

I can't even imagine what a parent would feel in this situation. Obviously there would be the overwhelming sense of failure as well as the remorse of the lives he had undone.

I can't imagine it and I don't want to. I fear it would be too much.

[mammaloves]

At the risk of getting too political, I wonder if they had a chance to worry. It sounds like they were immigrants to this country who worked hard in a dry cleaners to get their children into good schools. I just wonder how much they missed out being with their children in an attempt to keep a roof over their heads.

Lots of questions. I feel for his parents...for his sister. I wondered this morning about her having to live her life with the tagline of his act.

[Jason]

There was a story on CNN yesterday regarding the testimony that Klebold and Harris' parents gave regarding their home lives. A judge ordered that testimony sealed for 20 years. Presumably to protect the parents, but at the same time, it seems to me that we have an obligation to really understand how these parents dealt with their kids - if they chose to deal with them at all.

I do have more sympathy for Cho's parents - along with (presumably) their economic status, which might preclude them from being able to afford psychiatric care for their son, one wonders if there were cultural issues at work here. David Brooks interviewed Dylan Klebold's parents a few years back, and they showed little sympathy or even understanding for the feelings of those murdered kids' parents towards them; they seemed to reiterate that they were good parents, that he was raised right, and that they had no idea what was going on. It's somewhat telling that they referred to the tragedy only in the context of their son's suicide.

It seems to me that, to the extent that anyone could have done more to intervene with all of these kids, everyone failed. Like I said, I don't know if VA Tech or Columbine or Santana High could have been prevented. But if there's an eagerness - and I believe there is - to point fingers at the schools, or the police, or gun laws, don't we have an obligation to look at those who have the most impact on thoses kids' lives?

[whiffleboy]

"don't we have an obligation to look at those who have the most impact on thoses kids' lives?"

Sadly, more and more these days, the parents are not "those" people.

[lisa]

I agree that parents often seem distant these days. I wonder when he last spoke to his parents.. if they were even on speaking terms.

Seems like he was disturbed for quite some time.

[Leslie Feldman]

This could be a case with its roots in older fathering of babies over more than one generation. It is important to realize the role of the male biological clock in the creation of such a troubled person. What happens is the DNA in the sperm making cells becomes damaged and is passed on to a child. The neurotoxin PERC used in dry cleaning could have made matters even worse.

[JayMonster]

I haven't read enough about Cho's parents to even really comment yet. But I am still bothered by the police that did nothing after two women came to him after feeling threatened by him. In his file it was written that he was a danger to himself. Uh... he threatened people, he was a danger to others as well.

There was also the story of a teacher than threatened to resign if he wasn't removed from her class.

The more stories come out, the more it seems that the "warning signs" that he had problems were there, but ignored.

I don't even want to go into the Columbine case. I have no sympathy for those parent's what-so-ever. They KNEW there were signs, things were brought to their attention and they did nothing. "Oh boys will be boys" looks really stupid in hind sight. And to this day, they seem more worried about themselves and their image than anything else.

[SJ Dowling]

What really bugs me is that despite all the warning signs, he could still walk into the gun shop and walk out armed.
I feel bad for his parents, they were victims too.