Damn You Michael Bay!

It's my own goddamn fault. For weeks, the boy has been obsessed with  GIANT ROBOTS!, as he puts it. I don't recall when exactly it was that we saw a teaser for the new Transformers flick, but for Lucas, it was a watershed moment. Here at least was the summation of all he holds to be Cool - a race car TURNS INTO A ROBOT, runs around and breaks a bunch of shit and then - AND THEN (wait for it...waaaaait for it....) TURNSBACKINTOARACECAROHSWEETMYSTERYOFLIFEATLASTI'VE
FOUNDYOOOOOOOOOOOU!

I didn't help matters much. I was just as geeked out about it as he was (even though as a kid, I found the original Transformers cartoon to be sorta lame. Give me the Argo with her Wave Motion Gun cutting swathes of destruction through the Gamelon Battle Fleet over a 30 minute toy commercial any day) and figured that as benign as the original cartoon was (just like The A-Team - thousands upon thousands  of rounds of ammo spent, with nary a death, or even a wound), the theatrical version would be geared towards the kiddies. Toys, right? Hasbro? Target audience of 6 year-old boys? (And their geeky dads?) I let my kid watch The Incredibles, and it's PG. I felt OK about letting him watch a PG rated GIANT ROBOT! movie.

Well, I got the target audience part half right.

Anyway, over the past couple of weeks the commercials for the film became more frequent - with one distressing disclaimer. This Film Has Not Yet Been Rated. "Dad? Are we going to see Giant Robot Movie?" "Er, maybe?" I'd reply. "It's not out for a while." Then, finally, a full-on trailer appeared (totally rocked, too, with Starscream in jet form flying under a bridge and then turning into robot form and grabbing the bridge and blowing some shit up, fuck yeah!) and the dreaded announcement. "RATED PG-13".

Crap. Furthermore, over the past two days the advance reviews came out (I won't speak to the film's quality - if one goes into a film about giant robots who blow shit up and turn into cars and jets, one shouldn't expect Citizen Kane. Er, wait.) and apparently, it's pretty violent. Not Saving Private Ryan gory, but people die in Michael Bay-type ways. Also, it's long - 2.5 hours. About an hour past the kid's tolerance level.

So, a conundrum. Although Lucas knows the movie exists, I'm pretty sure he has no idea exactly when it hits the theaters. I could just tell him it's not out for another 10 years. Or I could wait until the DVD comes out, and fast forward through all the mayhem ("Transfomers: A Michael Bay Vignette"). Actually, it occurred to Beth to wonder - why don't directors release Kid's Cuts of their movies? We get the Unrated Versions of The Hills Have Eyes and Saw - why not a PG version of Transformers ( or, say, Scarface? Some CGI work and the "Say hello to my little friend!" scene could take on a whole new meaning - Tony Montana produces a magical singing gnome. Could work, I tellya.) It looks like, for the time being, the kid's out of luck. Maybe we'll pick up the original Transformers: The Movie on DVD to appease him. After all, the scariest thing in it is that ghastly song.

Comments

[Mr. Big Dubya]

Oooooo - Star Blazers!

Transformers never did anything for me, but Star Blazers? I could sit an watch that for hours.

[TwoBusy]

Star Blazers was the real deal. Threat of global annihilation? Check. Big cast, with major characters dying in dramatically resonant ways? Check. A spaceship that looks like a battleship with a huge cannon in front that can blow up planets? Check. Badass theme song that I actually still kinda remember, 20+ years later? Check.

No way Bay comes close to matching that.

[whit]

I was more of a Robotech guy. Transformers meet Voltron. The only thing better about a jet turning into a giant robot is a jet turning into a giant robot that humans controlled.

[honglien123]

Forget Starblazers give me Robotech. (:cough:youguyswereprobablyneverintoTransformersbecauseyouwereTOOold:cough:) Anyhoo, speaking of deaths, you DO know that in the original Transformers movie, Optimus Prime dies right? (No, I don't think I'm spoiling anything.) Although, I don't think that moment will be as traumatic to your son who didn't grow up with aforementioned GIANT ROBOTS.

[Eric]

Try robotjox or robot Jocks. No funk I promise. It was a robot fighting flick from some years ago. It'll work and the kid won't know the diff.

[Holmes]

There's a theater in walking distance from my place that serves actual food and, more importantly, beer. I have tentative permission from the wife to go watch it and get hammered, then stumble back home. I think that may be the way to do it.

[whiffleboy]

It's Ultraman for me. Fuck that other mechanical/robot shit. Gimme a fly-eyed superhero in gray neoprene any day of the week.

[candace]

Apparently it just missed an "R" rating. Luckily my kids aren't into robots, so I don't have to worry about it.

[croutonboy]

God bless you for the Star Blazers link. "We muuuuust be strong and braaaaave...our hooooome we've got to saaaaaave!"

Let me be the first (and possibly only) person to defend the ORIGINAL Transformers movie, based on the cartoon. I kid you not, it's really, really good. Tons of pathos, and robot that turns into a PLANET (voiced by Orson Wells, no less)