DadCentric

Good Parenting Tips from DadCentric

I've learned a lot since becoming a parent.  I've learned that two-year olds suck at hide and seek.  I immediately recognize that look my wife gets when another 17 seconds of my daughter's irrational behavior could lead to her permanent injury.  I unconsciously grab extra napkins off the table and shove them in my pockets "just in case."  And I'm now 100% positive that all the breast-feeding in the world will not stop me from being a boob man.

But there's always more to learn, and here at DadCentric we like to educate as well as entertain.  Here's a helpful guide to aid new parents who may not understand the subtleties of good parenting or who may simply have the surname Spears.  Enjoy

(Editor's Note: Many of you have asked where we got this particular gem. It's the work of David and Kelly Sopp, and you can purchase it here.

The Perfect Day

• I walked into the breakroom yesterday morning to find a freshly brewed pot of Starbucks coffee.  Mine is the first cup drawn.
• Upon entering the Men's restroom I not only find the handicap suite unoccupied, but, the L.A. Times is neatly hanging on the handrail next to the toilet.  This, instead of in the trash where I normally find it every morning before cursing the idiot who obviously needs to be schooled on bathroom etiquette with regards to periodicals in the men's room.
• One wipe.  Goodbye.
• My workday was full and even included accolades sent to my superiors about my work. The adjective "professional" was actually used. 
• Although I was busy, I still managed to set aside 65% of my workday for personal web use. (That's the standard ratio, right?)
• The commute home was under 40 minutes in the rain and I did not have to utter the phrase "fucking go!" even once.
• Tom Leykis actually made me laugh the whole way home.
• After kissing the wife goodbye for her evening work shift, dinner and bath were completed without incident.
• The response from my youngest after being asked by her older sister as to the whereabouts of her Hannah Montana Barbie - "It's in my BUTT."
• Kids in bed early.  Fridge full of Tecate.

Risky Business

As modern-day dads, I think most of you can relate to the dilemma that we will all face one day.

Some day, we will go on vacation and leave our teenage child alone at home. Maybe they'll throw a party. Maybe they'll go to one unattended by any adult supervision. Heck, we were all young dudes once and when our parents went out of town, we all did the same things, right?

The only difference is that now WE'RE the grown-ups! We're supposed to be the responsible ones.

That's why the following video is so wrenching to watch. It's an Australian newscast about a young man who threw a party when his parents went out of town. Over 500 people showed up and things quickly got out of control.

Now, obviously I don't endorse this kind of behavior. But, on the other hand, you've got to admit this kid is fucking funny.

My Life in Television

"Ok, I had this great idea. I was totally thinking about it on the drive home and I am convinced it can work."

"What is this idea?"

"I pitch a DadCentric TV show to HBO. It would be brilliant. Like Curb Your Enthusiasm with kids. We could do it semi-improv. Get three year olds and turn the cameras on them and let them talk about the shit that they talk about, pink eagles and pee and all that, and have the actors just go with it."

"But not everyone finds little kids funny."

"So? You think everyone found Sex and The City funny? Who watched that shit? Women in their 30's. That leaves a whole lot of people who didn't think it was funny. And yet it was a cultural phenomenon. Network shows about dads are not funny."

"That reminds me - a woman on my message board was telling us that her baby pooped on the floor and their dog ate it."

"See? That would not happen on Growing Pains. But that's pretty funny. In fact, if that was us, and the baby shit on the floor, we'd be placing bets. 'Oh, no, Zoe pooped on the floor. I got five bucks says Mick eats it.''Oh, yeah? Double or nothing says he pisses on it and then eats it.' That's funny. You think Alan Thicke would bet on his dog eating baby shit?"

"Do we know anyone who works in TV?"

"See, you're with me on this. I gotta call HBO before the writers' strike ends."

It's cast-iron lined

No one has ever asked me so I'm not sure my opinion...my seasoned take...is of any value.  Fathers-to-be have never actively solicited my advice.  I do not dwell in a cave like some 21st century hermit awaiting seekers of wisdom, ready to provide them with the secrets of what to expect when their child finally arrives.  Then again, I never sought the advice of other veterans either.  I had it in my head that at 38 I had seen a great deal - more than some, less than others - but a great deal nonetheless.  I was wizened, savvy.  People do offer advice, of course.  We hear it all the time solicited or not.  But, fathers, I think there is something we can share with our brethren that, as some cruel part of the initiation, we keep to ourselves.  Some bon mot that tips them off while not going into a load of detail; something that implies a "You'll see" tone.

Something like, "I hope you have a strong stomach."

But more subtle.

Maybe, "Vomit easy?"

I'm not even talking about the poop.  The poop is easy, although that meconium does come as bit of a surprise early on - enough so that you want to call Fox Mulder.  Spitting up is amateur stuff.  If you can't take that you're in for a looooong haul.  No, it's toddler vomit.  Specifically the vomit of a milk drinker.  I have done some hard partying in my life - spring breaks, Mardi Gras, Oktoberfest, frats, Little Dub's first birthday party (I kid - it was his second) - and have seen up close and personal the effects of such drinking.  But nothing...nothing...prepared me for what the littlest Dubyas do.

I found myself thinking about this last night as I was up to my elbows in sheets and blankets covered in curdled milk, bile and remnants of a macaroni and cheese dinner, diligently rinsing them out before dropping them in the wash while Mrs. Big Dubya was upstairs hosing down Little Dubyette in the tub.

"No one told me about this part.  It's a good thing I have a strong stomach."

I Want to Dip My Balls in It!

Maybe.

I know it's a touchy subject- a collective squirm throughout the internets, but we're talking about something important here and it must be said: vasectomy. 

Damn, see?  It's like the scene in Stand By Me when he gets leeches on his junk.  I remember the whole row in the movie theater crossing their legs, even the women.  Getting stuff snipped, especially stuff that has never done me wrong and was key to a great part of my happiness from the age of 14 to present, well, it doesn't seem right.  Necessary?  Probably.  Right? No.

My wife and I are done having children.  There, I said it.  We like what we've got.  We're happy.  Put the freaking lid on.  The time has come to trust someone other than Trojan Man and Navin R. Johnson with the technicalities of our bedchamber.  I don't want to think about Xavier McDaniel.

I want to think about sex.  I want to live in the moment, consequence be damned.  Is that too much to ask?  I figure I only get so many opportunities, each lasting up to (but not longer than) 4 hours, that it's time to stop the insanity and just get jiggy with it. 

That's how I'm justifying it anyway, but damn, it's scary. 

What about you?  Any of you have a eunuch unique take on this?

Ask DadCentric: Will Boys Be Boys?

We ring in the New Year with another installment of America's Favorite Fatherly Advice Column, Ask DadCentric. Reader Andie D sends the following query:

Ok, I'll bite.  I. need. help.

My 5.5 year old son seems to have been born with no natural empathy.  His main goal in life so far seems to be to do whatever the hell he feels like doing at the moment.  Consequences be damned.  Examples:
Headbutting his friends for no reason (Really - no reason. Unless you count, "I don't know; I just wanted to.") Finding it near impossible to hug without a corresponding tackle. Torturing his little sister by egging her on to do "bad" things and then giggling when she does them.

Is any of this shit a normal "boy thing"?  My hub and I both have talked to him about right and wrong, he knows about our morals and values, can restate them almost verbatim, gets lots of positive reinforcement, and has clearcut consequences for making "bad" choices.  Either something is just not clicking for this kid or it's time to call in the pros.

I want to nip this stuff in the bud now!

Andie, let me answer you with a story of my own. Just this evening, Lucas was on the phone chatting with my parents (whom we'll refer to as "Bubbie" and "Poppa"). It was a lively discussion, with Lucas telling them all about the toys he got for Christmas and his day at school and what he had for dinner. He's growing up so fast, I thought. Listen to him, almost four and carrying on an actual phone conversation with my parents, they must be so thrilled, they only get to see him a few times a year and now they can actually talk WITH him, not at him...

"PENIS!"

Wha...?

He was giggling into the phone. "Penis! Bum! Butt!", he crowed. I quickly grabbed the phone from him and addressed my parents. "Yeah, well, he's punchy, you know, long day at school, up early, don't know where he gets those words from..." Luckily, Bubbie and Poppa were on their speaker phone, which has all the clarity of a speakerbox at the Del Taco drive-thru. "Say goodnight, Lucas," I growled. "I pooped on my head!", he cheerfully replied.

My point? Girls, from what I've seen of my friends' female kids, are decidedly more genteel (although Zoe, bless her little 8 week old heart, is a farter of the first order. Volume and stench.); boys, in my experience, like to run into walls and talk about bodily functions. This does not end at 3, or 5, or 38. As Dennis Miller once put it, boys think farts are funny because they are.

But I think I understand where you're coming from; your son is at the point where his actions are getting others in trouble and possibly causing them injury. What I'd guess (and this is my opinion; child psychiatrists, pediatricians, and Scientologists, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) is that your son's doing this stuff to get attention. When you get upset with him, you're giving him that attention. He wins. One thing that I've heard works (and with a little sister in the house, I'm sure I'll have ample opportunity to test this theory) is that when your kid hits/tackles/headbutts another, the first thing to do is check on the other kid - immediately give that child, not the offender, the attention. When your daughter does something bad and your son is the root cause, talk to her first about what she's done, and then address him (or perhaps don't - reacting to his behavior, and giving him that attention, might be reinforcing it).

We're dealing with listening issues in our house these days as well; anyone have any advice and/or war stories they'd like to share? Feel free to comment below...

And Closing Out 2007...

...we have this brand new baby boy!

The little guy was born December 31st, 13 days after his given due date of the 18th. He kept us waiting a bit, but he knew there was a tax credit on the line, so he decided it was high-time to come on out. He was all of 9 pounds and 11 ounces.

Welcome to the world little guy. We love you.