Dunkin' Donuts Coffee: The DadCentric Review

I am a working dad. I need my coffee. My morning cups are as vital to me as oxygen. But every so often I commit the cardinal sin of using up all of the coffee and forgetting to buy more. Which brings us to this review.

After microwaving the grind-flecked tepid remains of the pot that we'd brewed the day before yesterday, it became imperative that I make a run to the store to get some coffee (and salsa, and contact lens solution, all of which we were out of, none of which civilized beings can live without, although I'm pretty sure that in a pinch some kosher salt and tap water would fill in quite nicely for the $7.00 bottle of contact lens solution).

I picked up a bag of the Dunkin' Donuts House Blend, the Fabled Nectar of The Gods that we've all heard so much about. Now, I will admit to having a West Coast bias; Peet's crushes all, and God help me if they ever get to Starbucks' level, because I will be to their coffee what Chris Rock was to crack in New Jack City. But people I know from the Midwest and East Coast have raved about DD coffee to me for a while, so I figured I'd give it a shot. Plus it was only $4.99 a bag, so how bad could (FORESHADOWING) it be?

The taste test occurred this morning. I wasn't too encouraged when I opened the bag. The deep, near-black of well-roasted coffee (good coffee should be the color of topsoil) was absent; instead, the beans were a $100 Ikea computer desk light-brown. It had all the aroma of iocaine powder. I was worried. But my head was beginning to pound - I'd already been awake for fifteen minutes, and I was getting the CT's (caffeinum tremens - we talk about them in Group). No choice but to make a pot and hope for the best.

I tried to come with an apt description. "Tasted like a cup of Starbucks, if Starbucks made their coffee with lawn clippings instead of coffee beans" came to mind, as did "wet tires", "a pair of socks worn during rugby practice", "Duraflame log broth", "almost but not quite entirely unlike coffee", and "Death".  None seemed piquant enough. What did seem like a fitting description was the word I uttered upon taking my first sip: "Fuck."

Yes - it tasted like Fuck. Specifically this: put two people in a bathtub full of water, let them have sex in the water, and when they finish take your empty coffee pot, fill it up with the dirty fuck water, add some Coffeemate and Splenda, and voila, you'd have Dunkin' Donuts coffee.  "Wow!", your guests will say. "This tastes like fuck! Mind if I kick you in the throat for serving it to me?"

So my first impression of Dunkin' Donuts coffee was not a favorable one. I did tell a co-worker that I wasn't that impressed (I am a professional, and so did not tell her that it tasted like fuck, as I'm pretty sure that the company orientation manual advises against such language); she said that DD coffee tastes much better in the stores. It must pair well with polyhydrogenated vegetable oil, non-dairy whipped topping, and Pink Dye #5, I suppose.

Comments

[MrsBigDubya]

I have to agree with your co-worker.... it is much better when brewed in the store -- that being said.... it's the fast-food of coffee. Remember back to a time when you actually considered a McDonald's burger a hamburger? Then you were exposed to real hamburgers.... and now you know the difference.

You'd probably like DD a lot more if you'd tried it before you tried the higher end stuff.

Just my two cents :)

[Kellee]

I have to agree with MrsBigDubya here. DD coffee is far better in the stores - my guess would be because of the fresh grinding thing.

Also, it pays to keep in mind that DD coffee is to real coffee as Hershey's Kisses are to real chocolate. Do we go ape for the 70% pure Costa Rican dark chocolate bar with it's sublime flavors and pure chocolate goodness? You betcha. Do we down Hershey's Kisses by the bagful for a lovely, melty chocolate fix? Of course we do. But I'm betting that the base chocolate they start with before they add the milk and sugar wouldn't be NEARLY as nice by itself. Basically it's just a vehicle.

Neither is bad, mind you...just....different.

[whiffleboy]

I would really like to ask how you knew what fuck tasted like in the first place, but, I won't.

[Jason]

Ass. It's been a long, long, long time since I had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, but I'd guess it tastes like how (really weak) ass would. I gave up on it years before there was even a Starbucks around here.

Oh, and dude, get the Target contact soultion, it's like $2.50. Now if they would just make up some Target brand Mach III razor cartrigdes and printer ink, that'd be awesome.

[Ruprect]

Dunkin Donuts coffee tastes just as bad in the store as brewed in your house.

Awful, awful, awful stuff.

[Whit]

When we were in Boston we would ask people where we could get coffee and 100% of the time they sent us to DD. No, I'd say, we want COFFEE. That was the place.

It tasted like the best coffee I've ever had at a truckstop. The donuts were good though.

I was working in an office in Tucson at the time and when I got back from Boston I took in a bag of DD coffee to see what everyone else thought. They laughed for a week.

[Mrs. Jason]

Yea, its the whole pizza crust in NYC better than anyplace in the world b/c of the water excuse again, isn't it?

Oh, and other Jason. Funny you should say that b/c I'm the one that forgot the solution during my weekend $450 target run b/c I got distracted when I called my Jason up and asked him if he REALLY needed the $15 Mach razors.

[Ed (zoesdad)]

Man, what an image. I've not tried DD coffee and now can probably say that I never will. I do however feel a strong urge to rinse out my coffe pot.

[Jason]

I'm sensing an East Coast-West Coast Coffee Feud shaping here. I ain't goin' out like Tupac, y'all. I'll have my 9 in one hand and a steaming cup of Major Dickenson's Blend in the other.

[Dew]

It really is different when it's at a DD -- but part of that is a) it's hotter than the center of the sun, b) they doctor it up for you, which I just LOVE, and c) it is typically accompanied by part of a box of Munchkins in assorted flavors, so who the hell cares what the coffee tastes like?! ;)

[Kara]

I usually only buy iced coffee at DD because (yes, been all over, tried coffee all over the world, yadda yadda yadda)the hot coffe is kinda "Meh" but their iced coffee is the best. I don't buy DD beans because they're just not that good at home. I have a friend who's a coffee buyer/ wholesaler. He told me that DD doesn't have a specific supplier, they buy the best stuff they can at a certain price and sell it- that's why, unlike Peets (mmmm...) the quality can vary from day to day. But as Mrs. Big Dubya said, it's fast food coffee. There's a DD on every corner in New England, just like you find Tim Hortons in the woods of Canada or Krispy Kreme next to every empty lot and guy selling hubcaps curbside in the South- and it's WAY better than either of those chains. BTW- for my $$, Trader Joes French Roast as good as Starbucks beans but half the price- jet black, super shiny, good and oily. Just the way it should be. Oh, and spend the ten bucks it costs to buy a home grinder.

[Janie]

OMG Whiffleboy, you made me laugh my a** off. Never was a truer statement typed! Those are the same 3 things that I always need !? I tried to think of another and honestly couldn't...you picked the perfect 3 that annoy me. I get my solution at Target, by the way, and always think about razors when I'm there, and whenever I need a new ink cartridge?...hell, I'm tempted to buy an inexpensive printer since it's almost the same price!!

""Oh, and dude, get the Target contact soultion, it's like $2.50. Now if they would just make up some Target brand Mach III razor cartrigdes and printer ink, that'd be awesome."

[Carmi]

Fuckwater's pretty nasty in and of itself. I wouldn't even use it to wash the car.

DD doesn't have much of a presence in the Great White North. We make do with Tim Hortons.

:)

[Angie in Texas]

why not just buy coffee at starbucks? (*second the advice to get your own grinder.)

buy the razors at costco.

[caramama]

I'm an East Coast girl here to tell you that DD's coffee sucks even from the stores! I thought it was just me, because I have coworkers who talk about how great it is. Nope. It's total crap. And I'm so glad to hear someone else say it.

[Chris in Oxford]

My Dad tried to convince me that DD coffee was the best you could buy. My experience with it was similar to yours. I bought him Peets last year for X-mas. I've heard nothing about Dunkin' since.

Great post, great site!

[Eric]

Nope, it tastes like ass in the stores too. Charlotte, NC did a big DD push when their inaugural Uptown opening. Free coffee for everyone!

(Free toilet hugging too?)

Nothing beats Caribou.

[Shelli]

I'm a mom who LOVES your blogs and I'm sitting here crying over this one because I'm laughing so hard! You guys have the best humor around about parenting and everyday life! And it's ALL true...

[Michael]

I second the vote for Peet's. I moved up to Seattle two years ago from Oakland, CA, and still have my monthly shipment of Peet's coming my way.

I've had good luck with Costco's coffee, roasted in the store. They sell 2.5 lb bags for ~$9. Not as good as Peet's, but decent enough.

[JayMonster]

Since I commented on this same story on Beth's blog, I will just reinterate it here:

There was a long, long time ago that I loved DD coffee. Then one year they changed their blend. It suddenly tasted like, I dunno, something vaguely resembling coffee, coffee that tasted like it was made with the water from a washing machine rinse cycle.

Somehow, I felt like for the longest time, that I was the only one to notice. And even today around her on the east coast, I hear people say how "wonderful" that dreg is... And it completely confuses me.

Oh, and for the record, yes the East Coast water certainly does seem to help Pizza Dough, as somebody above mentioned, but it can do nothing to save DD coffee.