I am a working dad. I need my coffee. My morning cups are as vital to me as oxygen. But every so often I commit the cardinal sin of using up all of the coffee and forgetting to buy more. Which brings us to this review.
After microwaving the grind-flecked tepid remains of the pot that we'd brewed the day before yesterday, it became imperative that I make a run to the store to get some coffee (and salsa, and contact lens solution, all of which we were out of, none of which civilized beings can live without, although I'm pretty sure that in a pinch some kosher salt and tap water would fill in quite nicely for the $7.00 bottle of contact lens solution).
I picked up a bag of the Dunkin' Donuts House Blend, the Fabled Nectar of The Gods that we've all heard so much about. Now, I will admit to having a West Coast bias; Peet's crushes all, and God help me if they ever get to Starbucks' level, because I will be to their coffee what Chris Rock was to crack in New Jack City. But people I know from the Midwest and East Coast have raved about DD coffee to me for a while, so I figured I'd give it a shot. Plus it was only $4.99 a bag, so how bad could (FORESHADOWING) it be?
The taste test occurred this morning. I wasn't too encouraged when I opened the bag. The deep, near-black of well-roasted coffee (good coffee should be the color of topsoil) was absent; instead, the beans were a $100 Ikea computer desk light-brown. It had all the aroma of iocaine powder. I was worried. But my head was beginning to pound - I'd already been awake for fifteen minutes, and I was getting the CT's (caffeinum tremens - we talk about them in Group). No choice but to make a pot and hope for the best.
I tried to come with an apt description. "Tasted like a cup of Starbucks, if Starbucks made their coffee with lawn clippings instead of coffee beans" came to mind, as did "wet tires", "a pair of socks worn during rugby practice", "Duraflame log broth", "almost but not quite entirely unlike coffee", and "Death". None seemed piquant enough. What did seem like a fitting description was the word I uttered upon taking my first sip: "Fuck."
Yes - it tasted like Fuck. Specifically this: put two people in a bathtub full of water, let them have sex in the water, and when they finish take your empty coffee pot, fill it up with the dirty fuck water, add some Coffeemate and Splenda, and voila, you'd have Dunkin' Donuts coffee. "Wow!", your guests will say. "This tastes like fuck! Mind if I kick you in the throat for serving it to me?"
So my first impression of Dunkin' Donuts coffee was not a favorable one. I did tell a co-worker that I wasn't that impressed (I am a professional, and so did not tell her that it tasted like fuck, as I'm pretty sure that the company orientation manual advises against such language); she said that DD coffee tastes much better in the stores. It must pair well with polyhydrogenated vegetable oil, non-dairy whipped topping, and Pink Dye #5, I suppose.







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