DadCentric

It's Official - I Am A Bad Parent

Ingraticutitude

I don't talk about Zoe much. However, recently she's taken to saying what I consider to be her first word, and she says it ever time she sees me. "DADADADADADADADADADADADADA!" I consider this to be a high watermark in my dadding career, and an absolute validation of the critical role that a father plays in his children's lives. High five. Her mother, though, is understandably upset, in the vein of "I carried you in my womb for 270 days, consumed approximately 6 ounces of alcohol during that entire long 9 months, let you ravage my boobs, wiped the oxygenated guacamole-looking shit from your ass, held you when you went on your shrieking jags every two hours, replaced numerous nice shirts due to your vomiting all over them, and you don't even thank me with a MAMA."

To this, Zoe says:

Your child's tastebuds could be racist

Does your toddler routinely hold his nose when you serve sashimi?  Throw a tantrum when you're having enchiladas verde?  Shout out Mein Gott! when you roll out the wienerschnitzel?  Well, according to the National Children's Bureau, your child is in need of some re-education because they suffer from oldthink and their dislike of some food is doubleplusungood.

The article states that the Bureau, "which receives £12 million a year, mainly from Government funded organisations, has issued guidance to play leaders and nursery teachers advising them to be alert for racist incidents among youngsters in their care."  This includes children, as young as three mind you, who say "yuk" to unfamiliar foreign food.  Well, hold the phone!  Honey, can you find me the number to the nearest re-education camp?  Junior doesn't like something?  Damn, I just thought he was being a toddler, but apparently he's a racist.  I'm so relieved.  It's not me, it's him.

The 366-page(!?!) report details that even babies need to be paid attention to "in the drive   to root out prejudice as they can "recognise different people in their   lives"."  The 366-page (seriously?!?  366 pages?  WTF?) guide also goes on to say "that children might also "react negatively to a culinary tradition other than their own by saying 'yuk'".  Staff are told: "No racist incident should be ignored. When there is a clear racist incident, it is necessary to be specific in condemning the action.""  Well, yes, I certainly agree with that, but c'mon people.  Can we come back down to earth some time soon?  This stuff is a) silly and b) downright scary.  Why do I say scary?  Well: Nurseries are encouraged to report as many incidents as possible to their   local council. The guide added: "Some people think that if a large number of racist incidents are reported, this will reflect badly on the institution. In fact, the opposite is the case."

Oh, good, we'll start reporting every toddler that looks at General Tso's chicken and closes their mouth tight and soon there will be a nation of Comrade Ogilvys.  Bring on the goodthink!

America, America, God made you gracefully...

In the spirit of the day, here's patriotic country singer C.S. Lewis, Jr. He loves America. Have a great holiday weekend, and remember - M80's, the neighbor's cat, and a case of Bartles and Jaymes are a bad, bad combination. Take it from one who knows.

Usness, Or, Always A Flower Fairy, Never A Bride

Recently, the California Supreme Court overruled a law that prohibited gay people from getting married. Many straight people were stunned to find out that this had absolutely no effect whatsoever on the sanctity of their own marriages. As a straight man married to a straight woman, I was confident that if gay people were allowed to marry, I would still be married, and I would still be straight. In fact, I was pretty sure that gay marriage would really have no negative effect on me whatsoever. And what do you know, I was right. Go figure.

I can't claim to be impartial on this issue. Four years ago, when Lucas was born, we knew that we needed to appoint him a set of godparents. Our requirements were pretty straightforward: whoever we entrusted to raise our kids in the event of our deaths had to be...well, people that we'd want raising our kids. Intelligent. Loving. Tolerant and open-minded. Someone that would be a friend, a mentor, a coach, a teacher, a wonderful parent in every sense of the word. It took us all of twenty seconds to figure out who those people would be. Lucas would eventually call them "CC" and "Hilly". We've known them for...wow, ever, it seems. They are two of our best friends, a devoted and loving couple who, it's safe to say, we'd down our lives for, knowing that they'd do the same for us in return. They have been family to us in every sense of the word, and it was really no choice at all. Lucas and Zoe would have two Godmommies.

This past weekend, Carin and Hillary got married. Beth was their wedding coordinator, and she and I were in the ceremony; we were, according to the program, Flower Fairies. Yep, I walked down the aisle ahead of them, basket filled with rose petals in hand, strewing them along the pathway as we went. (To a rousing round of applause, I might add. Those petals ain't gonna strew themselves, and I took my job very seriously; good spacing, no bunching, no going outside the lines. You can't trust a kid to do this stuff, not if you want it done right.)

Usness. It was a word used during the ceremony, describing Carin and Hillary's relationship, their love for each other. Usness. I like it. The idea that THE person is out there for you, and that the two of you exist on a level that is above the opinions or judgments or approvals of others. That any of us are able to find Usness these days is extraordinary. And what was extraordinary about Carin and Hillary's wedding - CC and Hilly, who we love so much that we would entrust them with our children - was not the fact that it actually happened. I truly believe that the age of fear and ignorance is on the wane, and that the state court's decision is the result of that, and not the catalyst. No, what was extraordinary about CC and Hilly's wedding was how, for lack of a better word, ordinary it was. Two people who love each other deeply, exchanging vows and rings, signifying the permanence of that love. It was a beautiful, simple, traditional (yes) ceremony, in many ways like my wedding, or like yours, or like millions of others. It was a time-honored declaration of Usness from two people who, like the rest of us, all of us, deserve to be happy.

(ETA 7/10/08: Take a stand against bigotry. Go here and add your name to the ever-growing list of folks who are tired of family and friends being treated like second-class citizens.)