Video Fruit

When I was a little I had an Atari 2600 and I played the shit out of a game called Adventure. You were just a little square running through mazes and 3 dragons chased you and you unlocked castles with fancy keys. It was awesome. I have NO problem with video games. None whatsoever. I think kids SHOULD play video games. A lot of video games. Video games are so fun plus there's nothing else to do. Some people think kids should go outside, but that's bullshit. There's terrorists outside. Why would I send my kids outside when it's teeming with terrorists? My wife wants me to make the kids eat fruit but all they wanna do is play video games. Who am I to say that fruit is any better than video games?

Well imagine the harmony achieved in my marriage when I found a video game wherein you ate fruit. I'm not kidding.

Parent Bloggers Network sent me a V-Motion Active Learning System for Lucy. I'm not sure what the V stands for but you can bet your ass it's not "Vagina". They wouldn't let me post my review on my site because it's got "Vagina" in the title. So of course I hated it from the start. I wanted to hate it so bad. But then Lucy started playing it and her character in the game kept coming across snacks. The game scolded her if she ate candy & popcorn & it applauded her for eating fruit. Lucy was having fun AND she was learning about fruit. It also taught her about letters and spelling. And it had a cool controller that forced her to get up and move around and exercise, like the Wii. But when's the last time a Wii taught you about fruit? Never. That's when.

But to hell with me and my stupid opinion. The game was designed for 3-7 year-olds. So let's turn to Lucy and her reaction to the game. Now, I can't prove it with the scientific method or anything but the game seemed to possess my daughter with some kind of spooky demons that tormented her soul and made her howl and groan.

Watch this: 

Um excuse me but WTF? Is learning about fruit worth all the feverish writhing in psychological hell? She sounds like Monica Seles for Christ sake. So one serious drawback to the system is the devil possession. Plus if you listen closely, the system maniacally laughs at my daughter's acute suffering. It's spine tingling!

THINGS THAT MAKE BLACK HOCKEY JESUS'S SPINE TINGLE.

1). Those twins in The Shining.

2). Devil video games that giggle.

Anyway, Lucy receovered her prior self when the game was powered down and I asked her about the game.

BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: So Lucy. Was that fun? Did you like that game?

LUCY (breathing heavy; nodding): Yeah!

BHJ: You did! Good. Would you recommend this game for other 4-year-old girls?

LUCY: No. Can I have some ninis?

[READER NOTE: Ninis are gummy snacks. Hey. I just go with the flow.}

BHJ: Wait. Um. Let me ask another way. Do you think other 4-year-old girls would think the game is fun?

LUCY: YES!

BHJ: OK I'm perplexed but OK. Um. What part of the game did you like the best? 

LUCY: The ball!

BHJ: The part where you balanced on the ball?

LUCY: Yeah.

BHJ: OK good. Would you like to enjoy a delicious apple?

LUCY: NINIS!!

BHJ: Hmmm. OK then. Do you think you can spell "Ninis"?

LUCY: GET OFF THE TABLE YOU STINKIN CAT!!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STAY OFF THE TABLE BAD CAT?!? BAD BAD CAT!!!

BHJ: Goodness calm down. Um. Where the heck did you learn that? Whoa. Aggressive. OK. So you liked the game then?

LUCY: What game?

BHJ: The video game.

LUCY: Yeah.

BHJ: Will you play it again?

LUCY: Yeah.

BHJ: Did you love it?

LUCY: Yeah.

BHJ: Do you care if I smash it to pieces with a hammer?

LUCY: OK.

BHJ: Damn. So what? Would you say you're indifferent then?

LUCY: Can I have some ninis?

A child's love for sugar is rooted in a place deeper than the reach of a video game. But a video game can't be blamed for trying to join forces with fruit loving mothers. Plus Lucy did eat a ton of video fruit and that's half the battle. She enjoyed the game but it didn't get its hooks into her like video games get a hold of me & Jackson and make us stupid. Is that because she's 4? Or maybe it's because she's a girl and all she wants to do is play with stupid dolls ha ha. Dolls. Was that sexist? Is it sexist to suggest that girls don't love video games as much as boys? Well did you read anywhere that this review is endorsed by science? It's not. Scientists scoff at my reviews because my reviews are totally subjective and unverifiable.

Scientists are arrogant pricks who probably sit around all day and eat fruit.