DadCentric Mom Week: Jason's Long, Meandering and Revealing IM Chat with Sweetney

We conclude Mom Week with my chat with Tracey Gaughran-Perez (it's pronounced "GAH-ran, BTW), aka

Sweetney. Sweetney is a blogger's blogger; along with her killer personal site, she runs the show over at MamaPop and also co-runs We Covet, which my wife is not allowed to read. I had proposed a formal interview, in which serious questions would be asked and answered. She countered by saying, dude, that sounds like too much work, and I said, yeah, there's a reason why I didn't go into journalism - the whole "asking serious questions" thing seems way, way difficult. So over the course of the week we carried on an IM conversation. It went a little something like this:

Me: Beth has a question for you. Beth's question is, has your husband ever put your wineglass in the dishwasher without asking you if you were done, and what it might mean, because I just made that mistake and God help me.
Sweetney: hahaha.trying to keep you from ending up like faye dunaway in "Barfly"? did i win?
me: "TO ALL MY FRIENDS!"  That's a quote that might be from "Barfly".
Sweetney: omg i have something awesome to send you.  hold on.
Me: I dated a girl in college that used to say that, and then tell me it was from "Barfly". I didn't argue, because to do so might have resulted in me not getting laid. Question #2. Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?
Sweetney: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=7QFWBFIEuig mayo. like, duh.

me: That vid was the shit. What's the best email forward you've ever received?
Sweetney: hmm.  good question.
me: Here is Beth's favorite email forward. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we7GM1AGyJg
Sweetney: best. thing. ever: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=LNVYWJOEy9A
  penis piano, instant classic
me: See, right there, that's what people need to know. You send me a link to a fantastic art museum, I send you a link to a guy playing a piano with his choad.
Sweetney: thus the universe maintains equilibrium. oh and also: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=ppMrzpHDqEk  tell your friends. you can thank me later for having that song in your head all night. YOU'RE WELCOME IN ADVANCE

me: Heh. What's your opinion on The Bald Head With Sideburns Combo? I think when Thoreau wrote about most men leading lives of quiet desperation, he envisioned bald guys with sideburns.
Sweetney: yeah, i'm not really in favor of that. kind of harkens to the Bald Guy With Goatee combo
  a la Ming The Merciless
me: We get lots of those out here in SD. I used to have a goatee. Now I have a soul patch. Girls think sexy.

Sweetney: something like: http://www.mamapop.com/photos/admin_images/sweetney.jpg
jamie doesn't have his anymore tho, so you guys won't have to, like, wrassle for soul patch supremacy when you're in baltimore or anything
me: I would win because of my Billy Ray Cyrus hair.
Sweetney: i'm paralyzed with fear
me: I used to have pretty short hair. Let's see if I can find a pic.
Sweetney: what about you author pic?
me: Here. Warning: includes heartwrenching pic of my son during his bout with Kawasaki Disease. http://ruggerjay.typepad.com/pet_cobra/2005/12/kawasaki_diseas.html
Sweetney: oh shit.  you know who you remind me of?  lead singer from mountain goats.  john darnielle,
  you know? he's like a personal hero, so it's a good comparison.

me: Why Sweetney? Is there a story behind the name>
Sweetney: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sweetney/2571261487/. 
  you're getting all Dadcentric Interview on my ass, aren't you?
me: Not at all. I was curious. People ask me about Pet Cobra, assuming that there's some story behind it, and I say, no, it's a Jerky Boys routine that still cracks me up..

Sweetney: i think people tend to be either shocked by or disappointed in that origin for the name. of course I think it's awesome. jerky boys = comedy gold.

me: I love them. When I was in my 20's, my buddies and I used to get high and prank call people and record the calls and play them them back. This was before blogs.
Sweetney: "this was before blogs" - snort
me: Holy fuck, I typed "when I was in my 20's".
Sweetney: yeah. cuz that's EONS AGO.
me: Seems like it. It ain't the years, it's the mileage.
Sweetney: we were watching CSI, and a character died, and his birthdate was 1971. i almost swallowed my tongue. we're now in The Death Zone, dude. Ready for the killin', at least in televisual terms.
me: Fun Fact: Beth was born on April 14, 1975. The day Saigon fell. Also, Lincoln was shot on that day.
Sweetney: ha. jamie was born in 1973. he makes me feel old, as he was young enough to think INXS was actually a decent rock band, but that's a whole other story altogether.

me: I was doing some math - are you actually older than your husband? Because HELLLLO, MRS. ROBINSON.
Sweetney: indeed (fluffs hair)
me: Now that's the kind of stuff my readers are looking for! Sweetney is a stone cold cougar!
Sweetney: snort!  uhh, rawr?
me: Who shops at Target. Presumably to find her young hipster boy-prey.
Sweetney: young boys bore me. I'm the kind of person who'd be completely enthralled with someone wholly for being, like, super smart, whatever they look like.  i dig brains.  mmmm.... braaaains.
  does your wife watch The Hills oh wait, there should've been a question mark at the end of that. ?
me: She does not, but knows who all of those The Hills people are.
Sweetney: ahh.  i was watching it just now, and i think for the first time fully realized just how loathesome every single character on that show is.  i hate all of them. i'd like to punch each of them in the face, consecutively. that would likely be the most satisfying moment of my small life.
me: I don't understand The Hills. Is it real, fake? It confuses me.
Sweetney: it's real-fake. it's a whole thing unto itself.
me: Freal?  Frake?
Sweetney: like, it is them living their lives, but tweaked, arranged, and sometimes done in takes
me: Freak?
Sweetney: haha The Rachel Zoe Project though? That's just a joyous trainwreck
me: Oh, she loves that show. Watched two eps back-to-back last night.
Sweetney: i just started watching. she's also loathesome, and yet watchable in her loathesomeness.
me: Here's my thing: when I watch any of Beth's shows with her, I suddenly leap 25 years into the future and ask Old Man Questions. "Who is that? What is she doing? Where? Huh? Eh?"
Sweetney: "WHERE ARE MY PILLS?"
me: MAAAAATLOCK!
Sweetney: bwahahaaa. MCCLOUD! you were an MST3K fan, no doubt
me: Joel or Mike? There can be only one.
Sweetney: dude. don't insult me. JOEL. like, DUH. mike is jefferson starship to jefferson airplane.
  the police to sting.
me: David Lee Roth to Sammy Hagar.
Sweetney: oooh, well played
me: Tom Servo or Crow?
Sweetney: crow
  CROW!
me: F
  A
  I
  L
Sweetney: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO. i had a crush on crow.
me: Servo wins. The little springy arms.
Sweetney: dude, Tom Servo was so self-conciously erudite in his references, whereas crow was spontaneous and goofball.
me: He had the little springy arms.
Sweetney: SPRINGY ARMS DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY WIN, DORK. favorite ep?
  (now i'm asking questions here, dammit!)
me: Erudite wit + springy arms EPIC WIN. And "Manos, The Hands of Fate".
Sweetney: OH MY GOD.
  srsly, do you think we were separated at birth? UNCANNY
  did you ever see Pod People?
  It Conquered The World?
me: The Manos ep ruled. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is a close second.
Sweetney: (just rattling off faves now) meh, i wasn't as impressed with Santa Claus. "The haunting Torgo Theme"
me: We'll always have Torgo.
Sweetney: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=HagbeOoUxxg
me: Now Beth is playing the Mama Said Knock You vid on YouTube. I am doing a chair dance.
Sweetney: life is as it should be then. proceed
me: Did you spend less than $50 at Target?
Sweetney: shut up. don't just taunt me, jason.  i mean, we all know THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE
me: See? You knew EXACTLY why I asked that. Because it's not. I go there, get a DVD, a Small Popcorn/Fountain Drink Combo, and some Old Spice. $50. Paper towels and Listerine? That'll be $50.
SCENTED CANDLES?!! Do we have these?
Sweetney: That'll be $75
me: I love Kristin Wiig Target Gal.

Sweetney: do you need more content from me?  oh and by the way, know that even after the so-called "interview" is published i shall still be hassling you on IM.  DEAL. would you like me to talk about my feelings about Jesus Christ?
me: I would. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior? Is Jesus your own personal Jesus?
Sweetney: I have accepted Jesus as my personal landscaper. And it's pronounced HAY-ZEUS.
  omg the hate mail. actually i have some COUGH reading to do. catch me tomorrow AM if you want some more rambling nonsense, word?  i'm full of nonsense. i can provide buckets of it at will.
i'm like a soft ice cream dispenser. but filled with nonsense.  nonsense cones
me: You are the PinkBerry of nonsense.
Sweetney: XACTLY
me: Egh. I have no ideas for my next MamaPop post.
Sweetney: rachel zoe
  DO IT
me: Hmmmmmmmmmm
  mmmm
  mm
  m
  .
Sweetney: haha
me: I IM like e.e. cummings. Yeah. Rachel Zoe, prepare to meet Kali. IN HELL.
Sweetney: dude that shit
  is
  over. rated
  you on Rachel Zoe would be heeeelarious tho, because, gah, she needs some face punching.
me: I once made a Wallace Stevens reference in a blog post and thought, really, why do I fucking bother?
Sweetney: we have a cat named after wallace stephens
  i love wallace stevens
  like, big love
  like, almost did disertation on
  but
  or and
me: YOU ARE THE EMPEROR OF NONSENSE ICE CREAM.  I WIN.
Sweetney: we also have a cat named after wallace stevens
  13 ways of looking at some nonsense
we also have a cat named after zelda fitzgerald
  and a cat named after maxine hong kingston
  and a dog named after Truman capote
  WE ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES
me: My dog is named Mick.
Sweetney: spick? RACIST.
me: MICK DIPSHIT. Anyway, guess who we named him after.
Sweetney: jagger?
me: No.
Sweetney: hun
  huh
  goddamn fingers
me: Mick the Hun?
Sweetney: SHUT UP
me: (Insert Attila joke here) Mick Jones? Love the Clash, but again, no.
Sweetney: oh (slaps knee) i LOVE Hun jokes! mickey rourke?
me: A clue: if we spelled it correctly, it would be Mic.
  As it
  IN DAMN YOU MEATY MIDGET FINGERS
Sweetney: dude, stop fucking with me
me: Atomic.
Sweetney: WTF
me: As in...
Sweetney: i need to come over to california and beat you
me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuyS9M8T03A
Bow wow wow yippee yo
Sweetney: i take all i said back. YOU LOSE
me: His full Christian name is Atomic Dog Pesacov-Avant.
Sweetney: hahaha.  when he was baptised? okay, seriously, i'm going to start our goddamn book now. it is awesome. go read too. now. shoo!
me: It's dinner time anyway. Manana!