Who will play me in the remake of DadCentric?

When does a movie's status deem a remake verboten? Why do we never hear that someone has the gall to "revision" The Godfather? Chinatown? Citizen Kane? Porky's? Oh, wait. I bring this up after reading, in utter disbelief mind you, that Will Smith - the Fresh Prince - will produce a remake of the 80s classic, The Karate Kid. The Karate Kid! Wax on, wax off...Get 'im a body bag!...Sweep the leg! Yes, that Karate Kid. And to top it all off, they're not even asking Ralph "Daniel-san" Macchio to reprise his role - which I'm sure he could with his eternally boyish good looks even at 47. No, that role will go to...Jaden Smith? Wha-? Ok, what the hell is wrong with Hollywood now?

Don't get me wrong - I'm ok with some updates, remakes, whatever you want to call them. Sometimes they were just needed; the right writers/actors/producers get together and you get something good - Ocean's 11 comes to mind: pretty good Sinatra vehicle; better Clooney/Pitt/Damon version. But, honestly, who holds the original dear? My father wasn't decrying the remake. I think my generation (and younger ones) latch on to movies in a much different way than older ones. They become seminal moments in our lifetimes; cultural landmarks we share collectively - for better or for worse. We memorize them. We quote them. We refer to them in every facet of our lives. And we feel violated when our memories are revised. I realize it's trivial - believe me - but at the same time ask yourself, how would you feel if they remade Monty Python and the Holy Grail, say, with an inferior cast of SNLers? Or when Lucas retools his DVD releases hoping you don't notice. Yeah, thought so.

So, I get pissed about this because there are some that I want to share with my kids some day. Ralph Macchio will always be Daniel-san. Much like he will always be Johnny. I don't want my kids to ask me what I thought of Jayden James Federline in Ferris Bueller's Day Off or Abigail Breslin in Sixteen Candles.

Here's some of what's rumored to be out there so you can be suitably outraged. I know some might work, but others? Not so much:

The Last Starfighter
Escape from New York - best lead character name in Snake Pliskin
Meatballs - brilliant Bill Murray summer camp frolic
The Evil Dead - Sam Raimi and Bruce "The Chin" Campbell cult classic
Conan the Barbarian - Ah-nold will not be back "to hear the lamentation of the women"
Friday the 13th
Nightmare on Elm Street
Hellraiser
Tron
Clash of the Titans - pre-LA Law Harry Hamlin goes mythic
The Warriors...The Warriors!
Footloose - Jump back!