A: We Watches the Watchmen

Do you like movies about gladiators?  Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?  Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

If you answered yes to any of the above then Watchmen will feel like old home week for you.  It's a story of aging superheroes and older demons (of man- so frail, so corrupt, so heavy).

I'm not going to explain the plot because you either are a fan of the Watchmen and already know the story, or you aren't and you don't (that was my camp).  Either way, that information is available to varying levels of spoiler all over the internet.  I'm going to tell you what the movie is about. There should be music here.

It's violent and slow-moving and works on many levels like an onion parfait.  It is Dashiell Hammett on steroids with just a sprinkling of dialogue so bad that it must have been written by a contest winner, possibly Bobby Johnson of Bend, Oregon, age 9.  Congratulations, Bobby!

But for the most part it is a movie about a man and his penis.  His flaccid, blue penis.  Have you ever wondered what happened to Nuclear Smurf?  He does porn now and he fights crime and may or may not cause cancer.

The penis to boob ratio in Watchmen is so heavily leaning towards the former that it was actually more shocking to see Dr. Manhattan in a suit than the buff.  Of course, the good doctor had a severe case of CGI dick, and who hasn't, but the boobs, provided courtesy of the lovely Silk Spectre, were real and they were spectacular. 

Is the movie for kids?  No.  I almost warned the parents waiting in line with their children as I was leaving the theater, but I figured they saw the R on the ticket just like the rest of us. And this isn't a nudity thing.  I'm with Europe on this one, nudity isn't nasty.  My kids see a grown man naked every day.  We have cable.

I would say it's not for kids because of the language- if such things as fucking language bother you, and also because the violence is of a graphic nature that could easily cause nightmares or behavioral issues for years to come. 

Look at this inkblot and tell me what you see.

Is the movie good?  Yes(ish), but it's not for everyone.  It's for people that like their heroes flawed, lost and naked.  It's for people that like movies about gladiators.