DadCentric

The Best Birth Control Website Ever

Parents, if you're having trouble convincing your kids that using birth control is a MUST, we recommend directing them to www.whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com. It's a relatively new site, and we're more than happy to spread the word about what can happen when teens (and stupid people in general) get pregnant. We understand that Pope Benedict himself has endorsed the site, saying (and we quote), "these people are doing God's work, unlike those heretics who make condoms; man, I'd go all Torquemada on their asses if I could". The More You Know!

Writing On The Wall

Shortly after qualifying for the championship game of the 9-year-old girls' indoor soccer league, Thing 1 came running up, flushed with excitement. I braced for her to try to hoist me -- Head Coach Daddy -- on her little shoulders.

 

Instead, she hit full stop and said breathlessly, "Can I go into the bathroom to read what's written on the lockers?"

Monsters Vs. Aliens: The DadCentric Review

Years ago I worked at Sea World. During that time, the higher-ups who ran the park were constantly talking about "competition" from other tourist-y type places, namely Disneyland. We must all do more, they would say, because we are competing with Disney for the hearts, minds, and dollars of tourists. Those of us in the trenches would listen to the Management talk about the "competition", and we'd laugh, for really, there was no competition. It was DISNEY. All of Sea World could, back before the California Adventure park was completed, fit in Disneyland's parking lot.

I was reminded of this while watching Dreamworks' latest attempt at providing Pixar with competition, the accurately named Monsters vs. Aliens. Once again, Dreamworks has rounded up a great cast and put them in an utterly forgettable, at times yawn-inducing computer-animated movie.

Just wrong...so very, very wrong

I don't know why I'm posting this here - I just feel compelled. All aboard the Penis Train. Oh, and Bohemian Rhapsody on kazoo(?) really makes it.

Black Hockey DadCentric Reviews: Watching Kung Fu Panda With My Daughter As She Eats Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie And I Nibble On Twizzlers

Everything is connected. There is no hope for me to review things in isolation. It’s not like I’m eating these Twizzlers in a vacuum. Under most circumstances, I would love Strawberry Twizzlers. They are waxy and delicious and I love the sweetness of fake strawberry flavor. In fact, I don’t really care for strawberries in and of themselves, but damn I love a fake flavored strawberry shake. Anyway, my review of these Twizzlers would usually be favorable. But Lucy just sneezed on my arm. How the hell can I enjoy anything when my arm is sneezed all over?

 

It's Kind of Like The Wonder Pets. Honest.

I was having a conversation with a friend about this site; she asked me if it was all about parenting stuff. "No", I said. "Being a dad is much more than mere parenting; it's a lifestyle, it's a state of mind, it's about not letting the parenting magazines and the 'experts' define us as fathers, as MEN. DadCentric is a site with smart writers who see dads for who we are - not sitcom-y caricatures, but modern, working, intelligent men who happen to have children and who happen to excel at raising them." In that spirit, we offer you this. I have no idea what it is, other than it's Japanese, there are bunnies and camels, and, well...

Methuselah is my homeboy

Sorry, would have been here earlier but I was off at an early-bird dinner and picking up a rental copy of Cocoon on VHS. What's that you say? What's come over me? Haven't you heard? According to a recent study, I'm old. And not just a, "Well, I'm in my 40s now, dude, I'm old"-kind of way, either. I mean, I'm "buying a Grand Marquis, keeping the blinker on left for life and investing in black socks with garters"-kind of old.

So, old age begins at the ripe old age of 27. 27? If that's the case then I'm, well, let's say dirt was a grade or two ahead of me in school. Also mentioned in the study was the fact that mental acuity declines precipitously by 37 and by 42 (eek! only 40 days left with what little faculties I have left) well, your thisclose to being a blithering idiot (which might explain why I'm still writing here).

I know I'm making light of this study, but then again...what was I saying? Who are you and why are you in my bedroom? Huh? Oh, that's right. Um, there may be a kernel of truth in all this. It would explain why, when frustrated with one of the kids, I run through the names of their siblings, cousins and Old Testament prophets before I actually remember theirs. It certainly makes my affinity for Matlock a little more understandable. And my use of words like fuddy-duddy and cat's pajamas (when I can remember them) make sense now.

All this thinking has made me tired. I'm just gonna hop on my Rascal and head home now. Murder She Wrote starts in 10 minutes on the Hallmark Channel. And I need to write my kids' names on my hand.

All I really needed to know about fatherhood I learned in Evil Dead 2

Any rational discussion of parenthood - at least from the male side - must begin with an exegesis of Evil Dead 2. Why? Because each of us, as a new father, is a direct analogue to Ash.

To illustrate:

• Expectations are irrelevant
  Everyone walks into fatherhood with a loose set of expectations that, almost immediately, are blown completely out of the water — much in the same way that Ash heads into the woods for a weekend of fun with his girlfriend, only to abruptly descend into a nightmarish zombie bloodbath. The parallels are uncanny.
• Not all textbooks may work to your benefit
  I don't know about you, but before our kids showed up we put a fair amount of time and effort into building a big kid library — half of 'em pregnancy books, half of 'em new kid owner manuals. Spock, Sears, American Academy of Pediatrics, f@#$ing Baby Whisperers... we had them all, and at one time or another consulted each and every one. In retrospect, it's clear that most of them did little other than to aggravate and/or terrify us... when it comes to answering the question of "what do these symptoms mean?" they were only slightly less horrifying than a trip down Google Lane. By the same token, what do Ash and girlfriend find when they get to the cabin in the woods? The Book of the Dead. And then they play a reel-to-reel tape of somebody translating it... and then all hell (literally) breaks loose. The lesson here: reading is bad.

The "Where The Wild Things Are" Trailer: Awesome!

Maurice Sendak + Spike Jonze + my favorite Arcade Fire song = cannot wait to see this. (For the best possible computer viewing experience, go here.)

DadCentric Review: Namco Bandai's "We Ski and Snowboard" for Wii

Recently we purchased a Wii. We did so after hours of debate - should we get a game system, which one has the most titles, which one is cheapest, which one would be best for the kid, which one is the most fun to play when the kids are asleep and we're drunk, etc. The Wii was the logical choice, and one fine day Beth came home with one tucked under her arm - she'd found the last remaining console at some video game store at the mall, and snatched up with the vigor of a golden ticket hunter who'd spied the 7-11's  last Wonka bar. Then began the long process of trying out games to see which ones Lucas would enjoy (important) and be able to actually play (equally so - he's five, and still working on the whole hand-eye thing). I received a copy of Namco Bandai's "We Ski and Snowboard" for review, and on the whole, I - we - like it.