Disney + Dads: What the hell?

I don't know about the rest of you, but thanks to three kids under the age of seven - including 3 1/2 yo twin girls - I now spend an inordinate amount of time watching Disney videos. Insofar as that I was born with a penis, I'm now encountering many of these movies for the first time ever... and, perhaps not surprisingly, I'm paying extra attention to the father figures. Why? Because it's all about me.

A brief recap of my findings:

• Aladdin
The movie may be named after a post-pubescent boy, and most of the hype upon its release was centered around Robin Williams' manic vocal performance as the Genie... but as any 3 1/2 yo girl can tell you, this movie is all about Jasmine. (Warning! Beautiful Disney princess ahead!) And what is the major stress point in Jasmine's life? Her father — the Sultan. Who is going to force her to get married, and doesn't seem too concerned about which guy she marries... he's just eager to get her hitched and, therefore, off of his to-do list. How does she react? SHE RUNS AWAY. (This is something of a recurring theme in Disney Princess propoganda.) That's all on you, Sultan.

He's also a grossly incompetent manager, insofar as that he's completely blind to the seething evil of his right-hand Vizier, Jafar. I mean, c'mon... would you hire a guy who looks like he stabs puppies for fun? Never mind one who wants to marry your daughter and then kill you?

The fact that, in the end, everyone ends up happy (except for Jafar, of course) is ultimately testimony to the pluck (pluckin' A, dude) of Jasmine and her boytoy... and no thanks whatsoever to the well-meaning but ultimately ineffectual (read: impotent!) Sultan. Grade: FAIL.

• Beauty and the Beast
This is a half-step in the right direction, insofar as that this film's Daddy - Belle's "crazy inventor" father, Maurice - is clearly very affectionate to and supportive of his gorgeous, plucky (pluck away, pal. pluck away.) daughter. Unfortunately, he's also something of a buffoon, and is quite appropraitely considered completely insane by the community at large — to the degree that it takes little more than a "hey, guys — let's go get some torches!" to get everyone in town to go marching down to his house in order to drag him off to the looney bin.

Of course, that's only a part of the picture. What else does Maurice accomplish over the course of the film? Let's see... the fact that he's not quite as smart as his horse ultimately leads him to being imprisoned in the Beast's dungeon... where his hot young daughter has to come and take his place in order to free him. When he goes looking for help to rescue her, he gets laughed at and then thrown out of a bar. When he subsequently goes off on his own to find her, he ends up almost freezing to death because he's a complete jackass. Thereby forcing his hot daughter to come and rescue him... again. And near the end, in a final act of ineptitude, he lets the stupid villagers lock him and his daughter in their own basement while they go off to kill the Beast.

Way to go, Dad. Grade: FAIL.

• The Lion King
Pros:
- Has the voice of James Earl Jones.
- Is named Mufasa. Which is a really fucking cool name.
- Isn't just a king. Is a great king.
- Beloved by family and subjects.
- Ultimately gives his life to save his son.

Cons:
- None.

GRADE: PASS

• The Little Mermaid
She's Ariel! And she's a mermaid! And she's a princess! And she's plucky! And she's 16 years old! And her Dad - the venerable King Triton - lets her run around in a little purple seashell mermaid bikini all the time! And when he tries to throw a little disciplinary science down on her, she runs away! And gets in even more trouble! In a lot of ways, this movie is like a waterlogged version of "Welcome To The Jungle"... only with less prostitution and more talking crabs.

As for King Triton himself... he's kind of a mixed bag. On the plus side, the dude is cut. Seriously. Looking at him is the best advocacy for "swimming as the way to get your ass in shape" ever invented. Plus, while he loves his daughter (and, presumably, all of his many, many daughters... poor bastard), he's not afraid to be strong and lay down the law when she breaks the rules and, subsequently, puts herself in potential danger. And - most importantly - when she actually does get into serious trouble... he's not afraid to throw down and kick ass on her behalf.

On the minus side, there's the whole bikini thing. Dude! Seriously? You've got a cute 16 year old daughter and you're gonna let her wander around in a bikini? Do you have no memory whatsoever of what it was to be a 16 year old male? What the fuck?

Beyond which: at the end of the movie, he gives his blessing and lets her marry the plucky human Prince Eric. (Oh, right: I forgot... he hates humans. Which I guess is a form of mer-racism. Not cool.) Despite the fact that - oh, right - SHE'S 16.

Right now, for the record? If I ever give either of my daughters permission to get married at 16? I give you permission to take me out back and shoot me, because clearly I'll have completely lost my mind.

Anyhow. Grade: PASS (but not by much)

• Sleeping Beauty
First off, did you know Sleeping Beauty has a name? Aurora. Sorry: Princess Aurora. I had no clue. Anyhow, even if you haven't seen the movie, you know the basics: Princess is born, evil witch/bitch/queen casts an evil spell on her, she pricks her finger on a spinning wheel, falls asleep, is ultimately awakened by the kiss of a Prince Charming-type. Blahblahblah.

But there's a Dad in this one — and kind of craptastic one, at that. He's the king (King Stefan, to be exact. And yes, I had to look that up). Who reacts to the news of this nasty little curse by a) setting all the spinning wheels in the kingdom on fire, which is good; b) sending his daughter into hiding in order to protect her, which is... well, in theory, it's good, but then you figure out that he follows this up by c) kind of forgetting about her, insofar as that she then proceeds to spend the first 15 years of her life living in the woods without ever once even seeing or talking to either of her parents. To be honest, I'm not sure that the surpisingly pluck-free Aurora is even aware that she's a princess. (This movie isn't real strong on plot.)

By the time the crux of the movie takes place - the pricking of Princess Aurora's finger (which, from a Freudian standpoint, is pretty clearly symbolic of another kind of pricking altogether), the frenzied efforts of the faux Prince Charming, and the final showdown with the evil Bitch-Queen (who is, by the way, named Maleficent and who is entirely spectacular... #3 on my personal list of great Disney villains) - King Stefan has done jack-shit for his daughter since that initial flurry of wheel-torching and sending her into hiding. And yet... what is he busy doing when the dominos start to tumble and the action kicks in? He's trying to marry her off. To someone she's never met. Which is kind of ironic, considering that he's really never met her, either. And why is he doing this? Presumably, because he wants to make her someone else's responsibility. Oh, right... it's his job as King? Bull.

King Stefan sucks the big one. Grade: FAIL.

Coming next week: more Disney fun