The Answers: They Are Many

“So why do it?” she asked. The inquisitor was a friend of mine, married with no kids and no intention of having any. The “it” in this instance was the having of children. The question was not rhetorical. She really wanted to know. Why do people do this to themselves? Or more specifically, why did my wife and I?

I confess I had to stop and think about it for a moment. Not because we didn’t have our reasons for jumping into the parenthood fray, but because that time of consideration feels like it was so very long ago. Two kids ago, to be scientifically inexact about it. The whos and hows of the matter were pretty much a given, and all questions of why and when have long since been resolved. We are now so steeped in the execution portion of the plan, the everyday doings and happenings that take up so much of our time and brainpower, that the question and answer period is practically another epoch. 2005 B.K.

In our case, there was never really a question of should or shouldn’t we. We said our I Do’s knowing full well that we both wanted children. But still, we asked ourselves the question of why do we want to. From whence does this wish to procreate spring forth? Biological imperative? Social conditioning? A few chances to go at it like a couple of make-up sexing badgers with no worries whatsoever about contraception? The first two reasons, at least, can’t just be dismissed out right. Most of us don’t like to think of ourselves as slaves to natural urges or society’s demands. Human beings have proven their ability to withstand both of these forces from time to time, or otherwise keep them in check. Still, that doesn’t mean we’re entirely free of their pull. It’s just part of that whole being human thing. So I think it’s safe to accept that these influences play a role in the process.

And of course, worry-free fucking is always nice. Ask your mom.

But biology and society didn’t quite satisfy our need to know why we want children. And by “we”, I mean my wife and I, and maybe some other people, though I’m not going to speak for them. I’m not trying to put words in your mouth or anything. I’m also not trying to list off all the reasons why I think everybody on the planet should reproduce. I didn’t answer my friend in such a way so as to suggest that I thought she was a bad person for not wanting kids.

Oh god, I’ve delved into disclaimer territory. I hate when people do this, especially when people = me.

What I’m trying to get at though is that I don’t think people are under any obligation to have children. And people who know they don’t want kids should feel free not to have any. The last thing the planet needs is more unwanted kids who got made just to make some in-laws shut up about wanting grandkids or because that’s just what you’re supposed to do when you get married or to save an ailing marriage. Do people still do that?

There’s a bullet list down below. Well, not yet there isn’t because I haven’t written it yet. But there will be by the time you read this. It's a list of some of the answers that my wife and I came up with to the question above. I say some because I’m sure I’m missing plenty.

• It’s the life we wanted. We wanted the marriage and the kids and the family and the dogs and the turtles and everything else that comes with it, regardless of the fact that we didn’t know what “everything” included....but who does, really? There are no guarantees, but if we only went after guarantees, we'd never leave the house. And we felt like we had the capacity to make it all work in a reasonably functional manner.
• I firmly believe that raising a child well can change the world. Or at least someone’s world. It can make a positive difference, how about that? And we felt like we would be at least moderately good at it.
• It’s a chance to act like a kid again, but with the faculties and resources of an adult. So like, when you swing that toy lightsaber, it might do some real damage. Oh, and you get to play with toys again, including any of your old ones that might be stored away at your parents’ house that you might have forgotten about.
• I know a lot of knots and how to start a fire. These are skills that must be passed on.
• The uneducated are outbreeding everybody else. That might sound snobby. I don't care.
• I liked the idea of my wife as a MILF.
• I liked the idea of me as a DILF.
• Thought we just might learn a little something about ourselves.
• For a few years, at least, there’s somebody that thinks you know everything and are capable of anything. They also think that you're the rockinest guitar player in the galaxy, and will be glad to bounce around the room while you rock out. Sure, they get older and lose faith in you and start being all embarrassed by your very existence, but you still have the bittersweet memory of those precious few years of constant adoration. Okay, so maybe that one’s less than great.
• On that same note, the love from your child affects you like no other. My son’s smile in the window, the way the youngest reaches for me to pick him up when I get home from work, hearing them say “I love you” -- that shit’s pure magic.
• It’s hard to really have a stake in the many important debates about various children’s issues unless you have a kid of your own. Like the whole question of how old a child should be for their first exposure to Star Wars, and in what sequence? First viewing of Poltergeist? First Halloween haunted house that features a chain saw? These things matter.

Funny thing is, as I was thinking about what to include in this list, I found it difficult to separate the reasons that we devised before taking the plunge from the reasons that have come to us since then. Living the parent life, as hard as it can be, gives you these occasional reminders of why you did all this in the first place and why you love it. And of course, this list is incomplete, both due to my failing memory as well as the fact that there are many more reasons to come. The future is chock full of more answers to that question....why?

So what about you folks? What made you want to be parents? Or why not as the case may be?