The Declaration of Dependents
We the people of Castle TwoBusy, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common beer fridge and wine rack, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of free and easy movement unrestrained by the grubby hands of children, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of Parenthood.
Freedom of Speech and Assembly
Assemble away, children. Get together, plot your nasty little plots, then run away and weep as we crush them beneath the authoritarian bludgeon of our will. You may, on occasion, invite other children to join you in assembly — as long as it's only for a couple of hours and/or we get along with their parents. If their parents are dull and/or judgmental, however, they will be declared enemies of the state and summarily executed. Sorry. Them's the rules. Along similar lines, Freedom of Speech only kicks in when you turn 18. Although if you promise to use your indoor voices, we might give you a little slack on this one.
Right to Arm Bears
There are too many goddamned stuffed animals in the house. Insofar as that the process of natural selection doesn't appear to work for artificial life forms such as your pink bear, sparkly unicorn and little purple taggie blanket, we've initiated a kingdom-wide Plush Thunderdome. Two stuffed animals enter; one stuffed animal leaves. It's a simple and humane form of population control, except for the humane part. (Note: you'll be expected to bring me beers as we watch them fight to the death.)
Protection from Quartering of Youths
No, you do not get to sleep in our bed. Ever. We don't care if there's thunder, or if you had a bad dream, or even if the monsters under your bed are particularly restless tonight: our bedroom is holy ground, and not to be sullied at nighttime by the likes of you. And God help us all if you wander in while we're having "married people time." Trauma (on all parts) will be severe. Stay. In. Your. Room.
Unreasonable Search and Seizure
Get used to it. What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine. Especially on Hallowe'en. Don't get too attached to those Baby Ruths, because sooner or later (hint: it's sooner) eminent domain is gonna kick in and they're going to be seized by the state. (Note: you'll be expected to bring me beers to wash down the candy I steal from you.)
Due Process and Self-Incrimination
The good news is that you're all reasonably good kids. The bad news is that you're all starting to learn to lie. Giraffes came into the kitchen and knocked that bowl of pizza goldfish all over the floor? Bull. There's no giraffes in suburban Boston — I looked it up on wikipedia, so I know it's true. Same with the idea that your 2yo cousin in New Jersey came up, walked into our house, drew on the wall, and then got away before your mother or I ever even knew he was here. I called your Aunt, and she suggested you might not be telling the truth. Subsequently, here's the rule: we'll listen to your explanation, then talk you into incriminating yourself, then send you upstairs for a long timeout. (Note: you'll be expected to bring me beers before you head up, so that I'll have something to do while you serve your time.)
Rights of the Accused
Remember all those times I told you, "You're too young to have feelings?" Well, the same thing goes for rights. We may be a kinder, gentler tyranny than some, but the fact of the matter is that guilty until proved innocent has always worked well for the United States of America, and we see no reason to run things any differently in this household. Now stop trying to pull the shackles off your ankles — you'll get a boo-boo, and we're fresh out of Spider-Man band-aids.
Civil Trial by Jury
First off, be grateful that it's not a jury of your peers. Your peers are bloodthirsty little mutants, who'd just as soon feed your fingertips to the wolverines as listen to your feeble stories about clumsy kitchen giraffes and invisible cousins with crayons and "he hit me first." We, your parents, lords and masters, will act as judge, jury and - if necessary - executioner. And don't tell me "I love you, Daddy," when I'm trying to keep my game face on when you've been bad — that makes it almost impossible to stay in character.
Cruel and Unusual Punishment
You know what's cruel and unusual? Stepping on fucking Legos every fucking morning when I come downstairs. If having dozens of pieces of tiny plastic shrapnel embedded in the soles of my feet each and every day doesn't constitute an unconstitutional flouting of my goodwil, I don't know what does. Subsequently, we the people (and by people, I mean adult people) will enjoy free reign in threatening your noncompliance and disobedience with the most unusually cruel punishment of all: "If that's not cleaned up by the time I count to 10, it's going in the trash. And I'm. Not. Joking." (insert game face here)
Protection of Rights
In return for your blind obedience and love, we will protect you from the following:
- Monsters, including (but not limited to) vampires, evil queens, sea witches, ghosts, chupacabras, sasquatches, werewolves, Yankee fans
- Bad guys, including (but not limited to) burglars, supervillains, old west guys in black hats, that mean girl in your class, people who suck
- Large carnivores, including (but not limited to) polar bears, sharks, tigers, coyotes, mountain lions, and giant fucking hairy spiders
- Bad music, including (but not limited to) anything featuring teenage girls who appear on The Disney Channel, anything that imitates/brings to mind the nightmarish, octave-spanning crapfests of Mariah/Whitney/etc., jam bands, and anything that might entertain club people (meaning: people who deserve to be clubbed)
- Bad parenting (This was clearly the work of insurgents.)
Powers of States and People
You have the power to grow up and be awesome. You have the power to assert your individuality in ways that doesn't make you too much of a pain in the ass, break things, or get people mad at you. Unless they're people who suck, in which case... go ahead. You have the power to get smarter faster than we realize or imagine possible. You have the power to find things you love and tell us why they're cool and fun. You have the power to bring us immeasurable joy. You have the power to break us irrevocably.
Use these powers wisely.
Posted by TwoBusy on July 2, 2009 |
