'Roid Rage

Last week my dad comrade Holmes wrote about his vasectomy here at Dadcentric. 

It's a very funny tale that involves razors,tits and talking balls.

I started my blog in 2005 - way back in the dark ages of the blogsphere - because I was getting my own jewels cut and had no one to talk to about it. I was a few years into my stint as a stay-at-home-dad and pretty much talked to myself most days. 

A majority of my conversations were had with moms and talking about your balls can be awkward enough as it is with a man much less with a stay-at-home-mom. I took to the blog world and so began my journey of keeping an online journal. I had little expectations save to shed some nerves. 

When I did talk to some of my friends about my vasectomy, most were grossly misinformed.

"I'm not getting castrated for chrissakes," I told one friend. "I'll still get a boner and still ejaculate you retard," I went on to explain. 

Did he not take biology in high school? Maybe he was out in the parking lot smoking dope during that class. 

It occurred to me that the reason why men are so grossly misinformed about certain health issues is because most never want to talk about it.

Fortunately, I've now found myself in good company; I've found myself a group of men who are open to sharing their experiences. 

So you can imagine how refreshing it was the other day to discover that my fellow dad AMR was having some anal issues. My ass was a burning fireball after Labor Day weekend but I just chalked it up to too much food and drink. A week later and still on fire had me thinking differently. At first it was just painful to take my early morning dump. But by the week's end I found myself standing up behind my desk at work. Fortunately my co-workers already know what a freak I am.

My older brother had polyps on his colon a few years back but when I discussed my symptoms it wasn't the same as what he had experienced. 

"Sounds like hemorrhoids," he said.

Apparently I've never had them before because I've never felt something like this down there. Talk about uncomfortable! Nothing like having some funk butt 'roid ass to put you in a good mood, eh? 

AMR suggested Preparation H cream over gel but the gel was already in-house so I took to it with gusto - it seems to be doing the trick. I made a valiant attempt at using a suppository but apparently I am so hetero that my ass refuses to allow anything of any size into it.

I've learned all kinds of different ways to wipe my ass. There's the bend-and-spread and the lean-and-blot as well as the standard wipe. Let's not forget the turn-and-look or the ball-cup-reverse wipe. Speaking of wipes, it's too bad there's not a box of these still laying around the house. 

It's just plain hard to concentrate when your butt isn't pleasantly satisfied. Case in point: last Friday I discovered half way through the day that I had put on my underwear backwards. I had to spend the rest of the day toting around balls that were damp and smelled like roid ass.

Happy, Happy Joy, Joy.

So my fellow men, let's all make a pact to be more open, to share our horror stories of our butts and balls, so that others may learn from it.