With my eldest son’s 4th birthday looming in just under two weeks, the wife and I have been diligently plotting out the best way to celebrate. Of course all birthdays are special, but four seems like an important milestone, though for slightly different reasons. With three, the kid realized that it was his special day, that all these family and friends were gathered here in the Name of Cake! and Punch! and Presents! just for him. However, there was very little in the way of lead-up. He didn’t seem to recall that a similar celebration had been held just one year prior, or if he did, he didn’t quite make the connection between the two.
But we’re talking about four now. Four remembers three, and may even have a vague recollection of two, enough that a pattern is established. He understands that every year right around this time, we all get together to celebrate the awesomeness that is him. Thus, it stands to reason that whatever decisions we make about how to celebrate this particular birthday could have a lasting impact on the tone of birthdays to come. Go too far overboard and he’ll come to expect more and more grandiose gestures year after year, which will only lead to greater stress, increased expense, and eventual disappointment when we are unable to arrange a battle between a squadron of unicorns and a dragon for his 12th birthday party. Go too far underboard and he’ll end up a big anti-party lamewad. No, my friends, we are not simply talking about one birthday party here. We are talking about ALL the birthday parties. We are talking about the proper setting of expectations.
So with that in mind, I would like to share with you a list of activities that the Mrs. and I are considering for the impending festivities. Perhaps you’ll find some ideas here for celebrating the anniversary of your own offspring’s arrival, or perhaps you’ve some ideas of your own to share.
Donkey – Kids love animals, right? So why not bring them up close and personal with a sweet gentle Eeyore type of figure? They can pet him, talk to him, try to pin tails on him. You can even name one of the refreshments after him if you like. “Okay kids, everybody line up for cake and donkey punch.”
Clown – Silent bumblers in whiteface with incredible carpooling skills. What could go wrong? I even found a guy in town who brings his own chainsaw.
2 Live Crew – I know I mentioned up above something about not going overboard, but the thing is, every kid I know will dance if the music is right. In fact, young humans are one of the few life forms on this planet that are capable of dancing with complete and total abandon, oblivious to whether or not they look silly or if they’re “doing it right.” I mean without alcohol. So why not offer a live performance by some early beatmakers for all the kiddos to groove to? I seem to recall some kind of controversy surrounding these guys, but that's all in the past. And besides, I’m guessing they’re available.
Day Out With Thomas – The Tank Engine, that is. We’re actually braving this one this weekend. You get to ride on a train tarted up to look like Thomas. Some fat bald guy will be dressed up like Sir Topham Hatt. I'm sure there will be copious tantrum-inciting marketing aimed at the pleasure center of every child in attendance. It’s a week and a half before the kid’s actual birthday, but dammit, it counts. In fact, I’m also counting it towards the younger kid’s birthday. Seeing as how it 1) was not cheap, 2) was a pain to get tickets to, 3) is designed expressly for children which means that 4) there will probably not be a drop of beer in sight, I might just count it towards their Christmas too.
Steve Martin as Cowboy Gil – I’ll let Gil speak for himself: “They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this... [smiles goofily]. so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go! [twists up a bunch of balloons, then holds them up for all to see] Your lower intestines!
