Dear School System

As my twin daughters begin the long, slow descent from the gentle arms of pre-K into the savage maw of Kindergarten and the infinite abyss of public school education that lies beyond, I hereby request that the following items be added to their curriculum to ensure that their intellectual, spiritual and moral growth is comprehensive enough to ensure that they are adequately equipped to rule the world when they are finally unleashed in another 14ish years.

I eagerly await the public announcement that their forthcoming edification will include the following: 

• Reading
• Writing
• Gutting fish with their teeth
• Throwing a curveball
• Grilling
• Excess facial hair mocking
• Princess smashing
• Pony painting
• Setting up bids for contract killing(s)
• Pizza ordering
• MLB uniform design
• Emu wrangling
• Kicking in the teeth of the jackasses responsible for the new Levi's campaign
• Continental drifting
• Machiavelli 101, 201, 301, 401
• Jump shooting
• Opening the gates of hell
• Arithmetic
• Plumbing repair
• REITs
• Crushing the hearts of those who would dare to love you
• Flight
• Landscaping
• Sensitive ponytail guy-bashing
• Negotiation
• Driving (Boston-style)
• Leaping tall buildings in a single bound
• Clouding the minds of men
• Poetry
• Crouching tigering
• Hidden dragoning
• Honoring thy father