Bad Holiday Gifts to Give Dads (or Any Adult for that Matter)

You know what sucks more than getting stiffed by your loved ones on Christmas?

Getting crappy gifts from them.

Screw that "it's the thought that counts." If they actual put some thought into it, then they wouldn't have gotten you something so crappy. Like these items:

Gadget Bottle ($7.50)

At first glace, it sounds like a cool item for dads who like to bike.

Or dads who need to bike because they've had too many other types of bottles (and nachos and pizzas and corn chips) while sitting on the couch to see what hole Tiger is in.

ON.

I meant "what hole Tiger is on."

Gadget Bottle is a water bottle with a handy place to put your iPod or cell phone while you hit the open road because nothing goes better with pricey electronics than close proximity to liquids, condensation and pavement passing by at up to 20 mph.

The product's Web site does issue the warning that "items secured to bottle may be damaged by liquids." What it fails to mention is the dust, chain oil and bits of road kill that tend to fly up while biking and coat your water bottle and what's attached to it.

Or that making it easier to use the phone or headphones while biking alongside traffic is not necessary in anyone's best interest. Except for the rider's survivors, assuming the deceased's insurance policy is in order.

Finally, do you really need to give us guys another reason to reach down between our legs to grab something? Do ya?

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TextHook ($25.99)

In the same vein as the Gadget Bottle is TextHook, a device its maker's Web site says fits on the handle of "strollers, treadmills and other exercise equipment" so you can attach a smart phone, PDA or other digital crack pipe of your choice.

My emphasis here is on "strollers" and "digital crack pipe."

Dads, moms, nannies, babysitters, hot au pairs from foreign lands with loose morals and a low tolerance for grain alcohol: I know that tweet from Ashton about his having an important meeting with the cast of Jersey Shore to discuss hair product and ab workouts is vital to the survival of mankind ... but paying attention so you don't push a stroller down a flight of stairs or into oncoming traffic might be vital to the survival of your kid.

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Sports Jerseys with Players Names on the Back (various prices)

The perfect gift for a sports fan dad, right? Maybe if he's 12.

As an adult, wearing a jersey with a player's name on it gets kinda iffy.

The player could end up being a flash-in-the-pan (for me, that's a $55 N.Y. Mets' Todd Hundley jersey -- circa 1996), a superstar who plays for a single season and totally hoses them ($80 Brett "You Shoulda Stay Retired Instead Joining the Jets" Favre -- 2008) or ... oh, you get my drift. Stop making me re-live the agony and financial pain!

Instead, just give dad the URL to StraightCashHomey.Net, home of the ridiculous random sports jersey, so he can have a laugh and revel in the idiocy of others not as wise as you.

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Finally, my fave of the worst ...

ManGroomer Do-it-Yourself Electric Back Hair Shaver (Retail: $39.99)

I first saw this over breakfast while perusing a Bed, Bath & Beyond holiday gift flier from the newspaper. Three weeks later, I'm still finding bran flakes in my sinus cavity.

If you are a hairy single guy, I could see you buying this discretely for yourself either online or in a store while disguised as a blackback Eastern Gorilla ... or Robin Williams.

But as a gift? For a spouse or parent? How ... cutting edge.

WIFE: "Don't forget to do your ass while you're at it, dear. I'm finding strays on the toilet seat."

HUSBAND: "You know I never put the lid down, honey."

WIFE: "Oh. Let me see that."

Look, if your mate is that fuzzy down the spine, lather him up and Mach 3 him yourself.

That's a gift some guys might actually enjoy.

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DadCentric Disclaimer: This post is 100 percent non-compensated snark. No products were received, purchased or tested for this article. Also, no body parts were shaved during its production.