Worst Dads of 2009

In the past 12 months, who has proven himself to be among the Suckiest of the Sucky Fathers in the Entire Universe? ("Entire Universe" is defined as "cursory searches I performed on Bing.")

We had plenty to chose from in 2009.

Jackson family patriarch Wacky Ol' Joe is always good for a nomination. Then he was kinda right about Michael being murdered. No room for that here, people.

Balloon Boy dad Richard Heene? A delusional publicity whore, yes, but he didn't actually put his son in the balloon before launching it into the stratosphere. Though he did name the boy "Falcon" so maybe ...

Tiger Woods? Many didn't realize he had kids before Elin took a divot out of his face, so he gets a bye this round.

Without further ado, DadCentric presents The Worst Dads of 2009:

Levi Johnston

You think knocking up an uber-conservative Republican governor's teenage daughter out of wedlock would be as low as you could go.

Then her mom gets nominated for vice president of the United States and your inability to operate a condom is now international news!

When the election ends and things finally calm down (after your mom is busted on drug charges, of course), your son is born and ... what?! You let that crazy-ass Palin clan continue its "real America" tradition of giving its boys names that will get him teased and beat up throughout his school years? "Oops, did you trip, Tripp?"

What do you do for an encore in 2009, loser?

Actually, what didn't you do. Aside from actually care for your son, that is:

• Backed out of the engagement to the mother three months after the kid's birth. Hey, it reduced the chances of you two idiots producing another child. Maybe.
• Did an ad for pistachios (yeah, NUTS!) that not only makes fun of your inability to use birth control but proves you can't act even when all you have to do is walk, stop and crack open a shell.
• Ratted out the Palins to every media outlet you could (OK, we enjoyed that but it was still not a good example to set for your son).
• Served as comedienne Kathy Griffin's bitch at the Teen Choice Awards. How the hell did you get them to let you near so many underage girls? On a show produced by Fox!
• Posed for Playgirl, though you modestly did not show us all of your shortcomings.

We see a bright future for you, Levi. On "Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew."

Ryan O'Neal

Ah, a classic.

History of drug abuse, alcohol abuse and violence against men, women and children alike.

Arrested for allegedly beating up his son, Griffin, in 2007. 

Arrested, with his son Redmond, for having methamphetamine in his home in 2008.

The topper? Not satisfied with just physically hitting daughter Tatum when she was a child in the 1970s, this summer he actually hit on her, offering to buy her a drink and asking if she had a car (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, knowwotamean?).

All this just moments after watching a hearse drive away with the body of his longtime love Farrah Fawcett.

Shortly after this touching (ooh, poor word choice) father-daughter moment was revealed in a Vanity Fair article, son Griffin goes on Larry King's snoozefest to say Pops gave him cocaine when he was 11 to help him get through dear old Dad's hamming it up in Barry Lyndon.

Claaaaaaaas-sy, Ryan.

Jon Gosselin

Eight little Gosselins, I'm so, so very sorry for all of you.

You've grown up believing you're entitled to fame, exclusive VIP trips and freebies for life simple because you exist.

Your mom is a greedy, manipulative pathological control-freak bitch. On her good days.

And your dad ... wow.

The ugly Ed Hardy clothing.

The love handles, the bad hairplugs, the earrings and Bluetooth ear dildo.

The new bachelor pad in Manhattan.

Dating babysitters and other women barely out of college who still order "Sex on the Beach" at bars and can barely suppress a giggle while doing so.

Your dad, I'm sorry to say, is a douchebag.

No, I take that back.

At least douchebags serve a purpose.

Honorable Mention: Jim Bob Duggar

Jim Bob of TV's 17 Kids 18 Kids Whole Mess of Kids and More 'a-Coming impregnated his poor wife with No. 19. Result: She gave birth three months premature in December.

Michelle Duggar: Forget your religious beliefs and start putting Ruffies in your hubby's bedtime milk.

Cable TV's TLC: It's time to stop green-lighting reality series about abnormally oversized families. For everyone's sake.