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January 14, 2010

Stephen Baldwin Takes Early Lead in Worst Dad of 2010 Race


Stephen-Baldwin I read an article on Strollerderby about Stephen Baldwin, of Alec Baldwin fame, in which he, hypothetically speaking, said that he'd rather watch his young daughter be shot in cold blood than have her deny the existence of Jesus.

Jesus, Stephen, really?

Apparently Baldwin was on a British show called Celebrity Big Brother (see, Alec) when he described the following scenario where he and his family could, hypothetically, be on a city bus (what? it could happen) and then, as is often the case when dealing with public transportation, they would be faced with a machine gun and existentialism.

[If] someone with a machine gun came in and told his daughter to say that Jesus wasn’t real...

“If she turned to me,” the actor explained, “and said, ‘What do I do?’, I’d say, ‘What have I taught you to do?’" 

He then went on to describe the results: “She’d say, ‘Jesus absolutely exists’, and I’d see her in heaven.”

And then everyone on the bus would sing Kumbaya and someone would pass a snake. The driver never missed a stop.

Stop. The. Insanity.

Does Stephen Baldwin really believe that his daughter being shot down on a bus is a better option than mumbling a few words to appease a deranged killer?  It's generally accepted in polite company that words said into the barrel of a gun are not always the gospel - in this case, literally. Assuming Jesus does exist do you think he's on a cloud somewhere cheering Baldwin's daughter to her death?

Crazy Bus Killer: Say Jesus isn't real!

Baldwin Kid: What do I do?

Jesus: Noonan! Noooo-nan!

Stephen Baldwin: What have I taught you to do?

Baldwin Kid: Act poorly and hang out with Michael Lohan.

Jesus: Zing!

Crazy Bus Killer: Oh, sorry Stephen Baldwin and family, I thought you were Pat Robertson.  That guy is a dick.

Jesus: Yeah he is!

Stephen Baldwin: I get that a lot. Pass the snake.

Cobra



Stephen, (this is the part where I actually address Stephen Baldwin) - Stephen, letting your child die in this hypothetical situation doesn't make you a good Christian, it makes you a bad parent. And saying stuff like this on TV doesn't make you a potential martyr, it makes you an actual idiot, but I'm pretty sure that God already knows that. 

Don't ride any buses and buy your daughter a pony.

Give my best to Alec.

-Whit


So how does your hypothetical confrontation/public transportation fantasy play out?

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