A List Of Poop Comparatives

 Last week I wrote a heated post about the current state of dadblogging. My better angels have prompted me to reach out to new dadbloggers who may be looking for advice on how to make their blog posts stand out. It's safe to say that most dadbloggers start writing about the fathering life when their children are but a few months out of the womb. But what to write about? There's always Ol' Faithful - your kids' bowel movements. Take it from us: many, many parentbloggers have made a career out of writing about poop. Enfecaled* diapers are the fuel that powers the parenting blogosphere; here's some descriptions of befouled nappies to help you get started.

(INSERT CHILD'S NAME HERE)'s shit smelled so bad, it could

• polish titanium
  
• raise the Titanic
• break up the Rolling Stones
• defeat the Balrog
• be the plotline for Roland Emmerich's next movie
• smash the Phantom Zone, thus freeing Zod, Non, and Ursa
• deflate George Lucas' neck-pouch
• wilt a Triffid
• wake Cthulhu
• root out Bin Laden
• make a Vulcan cry
• make Glenn Beck stop crying
• make Keith Olbermann stop talking
• make Dick Cheney smile
• bring Robert Byrd back from the grave - wait, he's not dead? What? Really?
• prompt calls for the formation of a bi-partisan investigative committee
• cause Nicole Kidman's brow to wrinkle
• cause Canadians to mildly complain about the odour.
• use up all of a third world country's carbon offsets
• fool people into thinking that the Domino's Pizza guy is at the door
• officiate an NBA game
• de-ice an Aeroflot 747
• have its own reality TV show
• write for Saturday Night Live
• win the Grammy for Album of The Year
• unite the Koreas against their new common foe
• inspire a franchise reboot
• earn a nickname from Chris Berman
• inspire a blog post about how bad that particular shit smelled (very meta, no?)
  

* I don't know if "enfecaled" is an actual word, but it should be.