An Open Letter to The Spanos Family Regarding LaDainian Tomlinson of Behalf of My Son, Whose Heart Has Been Crushed

 Dear Alex and Dean Spanos,

While I understand and accept your recent decision to release LaDainian Tomlinson after eight mostly great seasons, my son does not. He is five, and his heroes are immortal; they don't lose a step in their strides, nor do they ask for more money than they (arguably) deserve. Opposing linebackers don't stop them; only kryptonite (and occasionally Jonathan Crane's Fear Gas) are capable of that. Athletes, in his world, aren't punished or released for lackluster performances - they are given orange slices and hugs and reassurance that they'll do better next time. I spent the better part of last night trying to explain the logic behind LT's release. I told him that I was sad when Shaq left the Lakers, but was also happy because the team would (eventually) fare better without him, and that Shaq too would be better off playing for a team that made him happy. ("Who's Shaq?", he asked. I showed him some clips from Kazaam and Steel, rather than run the risk of him becoming a Cavs fan.) I suggested that he might feel better if he were to send LT a thank-you/best wishes card. "I feel like LT died", was the kid's teary response. "I hate the Chargers!" He then donned his number 21 Chargers jersey, ripped the collar, and began sobbing and cursing in Hebrew. (I then made a mental note to delete The Jazz Singer from the DVR.) 

Spanoses, I've been thinking about this, and I believe I have a solution. 

I know that behind the impenetrable walls of your secret fortress (the Spanopticon, rumored to be hidden somewhere in the hills overlooking Chula Vista) your crack team of psychics, voodoo priests, kidnapped Fantasy Football nerds and the disembodied head of John Madden are already figuring out who would best replace Tomlinson. But! Here's my idea. Keep LT, and make him a backup quarterback. As this incredibly well-shot HiDef Blu-Ray quality video shows, LT knows how to find his receivers. He's thrown seven touchdown passes in his career, which is about six more than Billy Volek's thrown as a Charger, and seven more than Charlie Whitehurst has thrown over the course of his entire storied NFL career. He could be brought off the bench to give the Chargers a Wildcat option. And he'd provide leadership and mentoring to whatever young running backs you will be acquiring in the off-season (coughtobygerhartcough). He could also be an effective place-kick holder. Laces out - how hard can that be, right?

The bottom line, Spanoses, is that I fear for my son's future if and when LT leaves the Chargers. I am looking through a glass darkly here. What if he becomes a fan of whatever team LT ends up playing for? I'll not have a Polish SAHHHHsage-addicted Superfan living under my roof. And God forbid he ends up liking the Raiders out of spite; first it starts with him gaining 300 pounds of fat, going bald and dressing like Skeletor, then he's hijacking ice cream trucks and selling heroin to his fellow kindergartens as part of Al Davis' Raider Youth program. His demise and fall would be on your heads. His very soul is at stake. 

So, Spanoses, I implore you. Do the right thing. Keep LT. Think of the children.