Things I'll have to explain to my kids someday: the animal edition

 

Every culture that has arisen since the dawn of man has anthropomorphized animals to teach children about the world.

I have no idea if that's true.  But I wouldn't be surprised at all if it were.

I've been thinking about this a lot ever since we first started reading books to our kids, which was pretty much as soon as their eyes could focus on the page.

90% of the characters in their books are non-humans.  I think it's about the same for movies and TV shows, although we haven't really gotten into that stuff yet.

The easy explanation for why the characters are bears and spiders and puppies is that these critters hold the kids' attention better than boring old homo sapiens. The Naked Ape, it would seem, just doesn't have the star power of the gorilla or caterpillar.

That's why fables can be so effective.  A cast of talking animals interacts in a way that's instructive in terms of human behavior, but may or may not have anything to do with the traits of their species.  Are foxes really more prone to cognitive dissonance than other animals?  Maybe?  But more importantly, Aesop knew that the image of a fox lunging at grapes that were just out of his reach and then pretending that he never wanted them in the first place is more striking and therefore more memorable than that of a generic human doing the same thing.

   

What I'm getting at is that a millenia-long literary and cultural tradition is really screwing me over in terms of imparting a sense of the natural order of things in my kids.  I mean, let's be honest--the motivations that impel tortoises, hares, ants, hippos, and bunnies are much different and less psychologically (but more biologically) complex than the ones attributed to them in children's books.

In addtion to assigning spurious motivations to animals, kids' books also grossly misrepresent the traits and habits of both wild and domesticated creatures.

It's not just books and movies either.  I take my kids to visit captive animals almost every week, whether at the zoo, the aquarium, or sometimes even a pet shop, god help me. Living, breathing beasts. And regardless of how humane and/or educational these animal exhibits are, they're a pack of filthy lies when it comes to representing the natural state of wild creatures.  And don't even get me started about plush toys.

What follows are some of the cold hard facts that I (or some other adult) will have to eventually break to my girls, who are now only 20 months old, but whose heads are already full of crazy notions about animals. It is by no means an exhaustive list.

• Polar bears are not cuddly.  They would just as soon eat your face as look at you.
• Most inter-species relations are problematic at best.  Lions and giraffes are not usually good friends.
• If you see a lion in the library, DO NOT try to hug it.
• Most dogs do NOT wear diapers.  (Okay, that one is my fault for keeping an incontinent dog in the house.*)
• Despite what you have seen playing out in real life, right before your eyes, dolphins and killer whales rarely get involved in complicated, long-term relationships with humans that involve cavorting in the water to the accompaniment of sweeping orchestral movements. Also, you should not try to ride on a killer whale's nose, or water ski on a pair of dolphins.
• Hippos don't give a shit about their belly buttons.  Also, they would be happy to pulverize you.
• Most fish don't live in glass boxes.
• Bees don't love anyone.  Not even their offspring.  And they would enjoy nothing more than to sting you until you went into anaphylactic shock.
• It's unlikely that two male pigs could sustain a loving, if sexually ambiguous, domestic partnership in a tastefully appointed cottage with a sassy female parrot as a sidekick.  
• Zoo animals don't want to get cozy in the zookeeper's bedroom.  Unless they are sleepy from having just consumed him.

You're probably saying that, instead of complaining about how animals are misrepresented in children's literature and in live exhibitions, I should take my kids out into nature to see how it really works.

Well, I've done that.  And after hours of wandering in the woods, we finally saw a salamander.  It didn't talk or do any stunts or wear a hat or try to befriend the girls.  And they were perfectly delighted.  

I thought he was a little dull.    

 

 *Somehow,while most of the really thoughtful comments on that post suggested that it wouldn't be horrible of me to give away my dog, I'm pretty sure I can't go through with it. At least not yet.  But all that feedback at least made me feel better about considering it.  So, thanks.