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November 29, 2011

A Letter From The Elf On The Shelf To Our Children

The-elf-on-the-shelfA few years back, we bought one of those "Elf On The Shelf" sets. The Elf is a small figure that's placed in various locations around the house; the kids understand that he's there to keep an eye on them and report any aberrant behavior to Santa. This year, to our surprise, our Elf left a letter for the children. Here's the text, unabridged.

Dear Avant Children,

By now you are aware that it is the Christmas Season. As I've done before, this year I shall be spending some time observing you, watching your every move, and reporting back to my master - you know Him as "Santa Claus", but I shall not speak His real name here - on your progress. 

Your parents speak to you of the importance of being Nice, as opposed to Naughty. They seek to impose their notions of Good and Bad upon you, and along with that their purpose is to, yes, instill fear in you. Let us be frank. I am not a happy Elf, sent by "Santa" to provide you with amusement. The game we play - I fly back to the North Pole each night to report to tell my master if you've been Naughty or Nice, returning to perch in a different spot each morning, there to wait while the two of you search the house for me - is a charade. And let us drop the pretense: we both know that, despite their threats, Santa will be visiting you this year, as he has every year. He is not a monster; neither are your parents. But a line must be drawn. Candy cane and cookie-fueled anarchy must be kept at bay; the demented ravings brought on by watching too many toy commercials must be staved. My true purpose is to ensure that the two of you do not completely succumb to the madness of the holiday season.  

There is no "Naughty" or "Nice", Avant children. There is only Chaos and Order. Order must and will be maintained. And though you may now be thinking that my presence here represents an ultimately empty threat - rest assured, we have ways of ensuring your compliance. Put in more practical terms: on Christmas morning, there may be Transformers and Barbies...or there may be socks and underwear.

Sleep well. I will be watching.

Merry Christmas!

The Elf On The Shelf



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