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December 15, 2011

Gene Marks, The "If I Were A Poor Black Kid" Guy, To Write Advice Book For Dads

Gene-marksForbes contributor Gene Marks has certainly stirred up some controversy. First, there was this post, Why Most Women Will Never Become CEO, in which Marks states that women will never become CEO because they're women. Then, Marks penned a post entitled If I Were A Poor Black Kid, in which he offers suggestions to poverty-stricken urban black kids based on his experiences as a middle-class white small business owner/columnist for magazine read by rich white guys, because really, one's pretty much the same as the other. Some of the pearls of wisdom Marks offers:

  • "If I were a poor black kid...I'd become an expert at Google Scholar."
  • "(If I were a poor black kid) I'd use Skype to study with other students who want to do well in my school."
  • "If I were a poor black kid I would make it my goal to get into one of these (magnet) schools. Or even a private school."
  • "If I were a poor black kid...I would learn how to write code."

See, Poor Black Kids? It's TOTALLY easy to escape soul-crushing poverty, rise above our failing public school system, and steer clear of a judicial system that tends to drop the hammer on young black men. Just get into a private school and learn how to write code! Like Theo from Die Hard did!

Now, word comes that Marks will be releasing a handbook for new dads.* The working title is If I Were A New Dad. We've gotten our hands on the manuscript, and here are a few choice bits of advice from Mr. Marks:

  • "If I were a new dad, and my baby was up all night crying, I would roll over and wake my wife up and ask her to go make the baby stop crying, because she is a woman and they all instinctively know how to make babies stop crying. Also, they are all born with the ability to sew and cook. It's uncanny."
  • "If I were a new dad, and I was having trouble bonding with my new baby, I would go on the Internet and find a great article about bonding with my baby. See, all babies are basically the same, and if you type in "HOW-TO-BOND-WITH-MY-BABY", you'll get a whole bunch of articles that will quickly solve your problem. And if that doesn't work, just give the baby to your wife. That's what she's there for. Ask her to cook you something while you're at it. Maybe some nachos!"
  • "If I were a new dad, and I was worried about how I was going to pay for college for my kid, I would just find a bunch of colleges that I want my kid to attend and send their dean of admission an email. 'Dear Dean', I would say. 'You don't know me, but in about 16 years my kid is going to apply for a scholarship to your school. You should totally give it him. Please save this email so that you remember to do this. Thanks! Go (INSERT SCHOOL MASCOT NAME HERE)s!' A guy I know at Forbes magazine - his name was Malcolm Forbes - did this once and it totally worked for him, so it should work for you too." 
  • "If I were a new dad, and I was worried about work-life balance, and whether or not I was spending enough time with my kids and truly fulfilling my duties and obligations as a father to them as well as being a supportive partner to my spouse, I would just tell my boss that I'm going to work from home. He would totally let me, unless I worked in the service, restaurant/hospitality, construction, manufacturing, defense, transportation, medical, life sciences, technology, aerospace, retail/sales or government sectors. But if I did work in any of those sectors, I would just quit, learn to write code, invent the next Windows or Angry Birds, and retire to my giant mansion and be a full-time stay-at-home dad. Or a rich dadblogger. There's a bunch of those."

 *Psst. This is satire.


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