Fathering Tips from Drag Queens #1: Tucking
Although RuPaul (as far as I know from my extensive research on Wikipedia) is not a father, she has some great advice for us dads of toddlers. In a nutshell (so to speak):
When we were expecting our twins, we toyed, very briefly, with the idea of co-sleeping.
And then we brought the kids home the first night and were like Hell to the No. We promptly put those little writhing screambots in a crib in the closet and never looked back.
But about a year ago, at less than two years old, one of the girls decided she was not going to nap ever again. After much negotiating and experimenting, she and I finally came to a compromise wherein she will sometimes go to sleep as long as I lie down with her on a crib mattress on the floor of what will eventually be the nursery if we ever get around to moving the kids out of the closet.
Those of you (I'm talking to the fellas here) who have had any experience with toddlers know that they will inflict blunt trauma to your balls anywhere from 2 to 12 times per day, per child, depending on how much time you spend with them. And if you co-sleep, I can only imagine that the number increases at least threefold.
Yesterday at naptime, I was taking my usual pummeling (Twin A thrashes a lot before either going to sleep or wandering off to throw refrigerator magnets at the dog), and a lot of her kicks were landing at or near the kill zone. That's when the image of RuPaul drifted into my semi-consciousness and told me, "Girlfriend, you better tuck."
It's not like I need to explain to you why apparitions of RuPaul would be visiting me in the middle of the afternoon, because we're all sophisticated adults here with progressive views about gender roles and sexuality. Nonetheless, I feel compelled to elaborate.
Most of the TV programming I watch happens when my wife is viewing something on the iPad, and I look over her shoulder and say with great disdain, "Phhht. What is that crap?" Then two hours later, I'm watching The Biggest Loser while eating Chocolate Joe-Joe ice cream or, in the case of RuPaul's Drag Race, yelling at the screen, "Oh no you di-in't! You better sashay away, bitch!"
So anyway, it was RuPaul and the lovely and talented contestants on her show that really empowered me to protect myself from my kids. And the good news is, as long as you aren't doing much runway modeling or lipsyncing, you probably don't need any of the special garments or devices that legitimate drag queens use to hide their junk. Especially in the seated or reclined positions, all you need is gravity and loose undergarments.
But if you do want to keep your naughty bits protected (and invisible) in more extreme situations, consider these tips from the pros: