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May 04, 2012

Every Superior Mother's Nightmare!

A mother taking her child to the playground stumbles onto her worst nightmare on the cover of this week's "Mother's Day" edition of The New Yorker magazine, drawn by artist Chris Ware.

New Yorker magazine cover Mothers Day 2012

Men!

With children!

Test your powers of observation and deduction by looking closely at this scene and telling us exactly what the woman in pink, who we'll call SanctiMommy, finds so awry and off-putting about what she sees?

Answers after the jump. 

Going counterclockwise from the bottom left quadrant, the Mother Superior sees the following:

The man on the bench feeding the baby is a kidnapper. He is using powdered infant formula when real parents know "breast is best." Even if comes from a guy's breast

The man standing next to the stroller is neither up on modern parenting techniques nor fashion. The messenger bag is soooo 2008 metrosexual; hoisting children on one's shoulders is a dangerous and unacceptable practice; and the dope is wearing neon green Crocs.

The man on the bench with the smartphone is a pervert. He's definitely streaming porn. Over public Wi-Fi!

The man holding the child in a yellow shirt is either a liar or just stupid. He told the child that the finely manicured Rosa rubiginosa (sweet briar or eglantine rose) in his hand is called "the pretty posy."

The man helping the toddler walk has a criminal record. He's defying the sign at the playground entrance warning people to "Keep Off The Grass."

The man sitting with two children on the edge of the sand is a trained assassin. He packed snacks made in a factory that also processes tree nuts yet you'll note his pockets bear no telltale bulge from an EpiPen.

The man helping the child up the stairs is a deadbeat dad who is at least eight months behind on child support.

The man standing atop the slide, based on his vantage point and the tilt of his head, is a registered sex offender.

The two children at the top edge of the sand are homeless because a helicopter parent is not hovering over them.

The man on the bench with the baby on his chest is reckless. Everyone knows slings are far superior to front carriers. In addition, he is an alcoholic. The water bottle in his hand contains straight vodka.

The man on the bench drinking from the coffee cup has his ex-wife's severed head in the bag. At the first opportunity, he is planning to bury it behind the bushes. How else to explain the "work boots and shorts" look? His cup, however, doesn't contain straight vodka. He's sippin' on gin and juice.

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