Shot in the Arm for Kids of Beleaguered Parents
While there are many tricks to raising a healthy scholar, tricking children into what's good for them is frowned upon these days. Blame those self-appointed "experts" who subscribe to the child-rearing theory known as the Sanctimonious Helicopter Attachment Drone of Uptight Parenting, or just SHAD-UP.
So what can you do as aside from giving junior daily baths in free-range, grass-feed hand sanitizer?
Poke the kid silly with syringes! Preferably ones loaded with bacteria and viruses!
Vaccines have proved to be highly effective at warding off many childhood diseases, so make sure your little one is up-to-date on all required shots before the school year starts.
But wait – there's more!
Scientists who actually got out of the lab enough to meet members of the opposite sex and spawn a child or two, sometimes on purpose, are developing some super new vaccines. The following are currently under review by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (now a fully owned subsidiary of ConAgra Foods, a division of Google and a Spike Lee Joint):
Trinketatitis. Protects elementary-school children from desiring the latest trendy toy, game or piece of plastic junk they "gotta have." Highly effective against Pokemon cards, Silly Bandz bracelets and items bearing the name or likeness of a boy band. In rare cases, may cause dizziness if inoculated child comes in cranial contact with a Pet Rock.
Fashionistatitis. Similar to the Trinketatitis vaccine, but for middle-school students and above to ward off interest in questionable clothing trends. Also works against accessories such feather hair clips and the use of outrageously colorful duct tape on notebooks.
Cindersleepjasbelleiman. For girls, preschool through 3rd grade, to fend off the desire to be a Disney Princess. Researchers are also working on version for adult woman to halt "kissing frog" syndrome.
Tomtomgarminatitis. For kids prone to misplacing homework assignments, permission slips, random items of clothing and expensive band instruments. Also helpful for children who tend to forget what their bus number is.
FedExalititis. A must for children with "project" oriented teachers, this vaccine triggers a strong immune response that protects against leaving reports, family-tree posters and the inevitable plaster reproduction of a volcano unfinished until the night before they are due.
iFoneatussis. Prevents excessive text messaging and Angry Bird playing in tweens and teens. Works by planting radioactive ions in the hands that react to prolonged exposure to cellular phone signals by causing one's thumbs to swell to the size of kiwis.
Fruitodaloomtheria. This inoculation for boys, ages 5 to 15, works with their body chemistry to compel them to change their underwear daily. Even on weekends. Boosters may be required if they are not dating by age 18.