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September 12, 2012

DC News Report: Chicago Teachers Demand Mo' Money, Less Problems

Dateline Chicago:

The streets of Chicago ran argyle today as the teachers of the city took to them to demand soaring salaries and shorter days. 

"It's all about da Benjamins, baby!" Screeched 47 year old 9th grade Civics teacher Mary Ellen Bartrow. "Why do you think I went into teaching in the first place?" Continued Ms. Bartrow, "Cash Money mutha fucka! Teaching has always been about making that paper."

Her fellow union members seemed to agree. "I teach algebra, son!" Said Mr. William Levy, of the Lincoln Middle school. "You can't figure for X until you know for sure that Y=$." Said the 26 year veteran teacher. 

"Money money money money. Money! " Chanted 8th grade French teacher Larry Guillaume. "Look," Mr. Guillaume expounded, "if it was about the kids, I would've managed a Chuck E Cheese. Or been a politician. In teaching, money talks and merde de taureau walks. C'est la vie."

Other areas elaborated upon by the blinged out throng of near one percenters included the call by Mayor Rahm Emmanuel for a longer school day with less resources following deep funding cuts and a plan to rely heavily on student testing to determine teacher competency regardless of the student population being taught. 

"I am ALL for that," bellowed 11th grade chemistry professor and field hockey coach Maria Vazquez from the window of her idling 20ll Mercedes.. "Well, some of that. I can't stay too late most days because I've got my manicure on Tuesdays, facial Wednesdays, supervising the cleaning of my pool Thursdays, and on Friday I always fly to New York right after work so I can get my shop on. But I'd definitely stay late mondays as long as the money keeps flowing and I can reschedule my massage. When do I do all my grading papers, lesson planning, and after school help? During study hall."

"As far as evaluating like, teachers via like, student testing, whatevs," said 40 year old English teacher and Dolce and Gabbana devotee Nancy Maroney. "I mean, like, you know, like, if my kids do good on the test, then like, I'll make more money and shit. You know? But if they don't then, I might not get that like, money. You know?" 

Mayor Rahm Emanuel, famous for his even temper and warm demeanor responded: "These teachers are lovely people. We have the utmost respect for them and their enormous wealth. Furthermore the reports of longer school days, funding cuts, and evaluation through testing are erroneous. I am so sorry we weren't more clear. This is just one big, awful misunderstanding. I love all the people of Chicago, especially teachers," said the Mayor and former White House Chief of Staff as he began to tear up.

"I am hopeful that in the end, we can have ourselves a good cry followed by a giant cuddle session on the deep pile carpeting of the kindergarten rooms at Lincoln Elementary School. Then and only then will we be able to raise the already astronomical salaries these teachers are paid as well as providing them with teaching resources unmatched anywhere in the entire world! New IPhones for everyone!" sobbed the emotive Mayor. When questioned as to the Democratic party's recent turn toward the right in terms of dealing with unions, Mayor Emanuel responded, "Say what?" 

On behalf of the city's parents, Lincoln High School PTA president, father of three, and Staples day supervisor Michael Huntley released the following statement: "Shit. Who the fuck's going to watch my kids? For free?"



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