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June 24, 2013

Today's Very Special Guest Daddy Blogger: God


God-Daddy-Blogger-DadCentric-Ron-MattocksThis weekend I sat down determined to crank out a blog post, but unfortunately there are those days when, as a writer, you just can’t bring it no matter how hard you try. So there I was, completely stuck when the thought hit me, “what would Jesus do?” Actually, it was closer to what would Jesus’s
Father do? No really—what would He do? What people don’t realize is that God is a dad blogger, and so I put together an email asking Him if He’d be willing to do a guest post. Five minutes later He sent a reply saying He’d be “thrilled” for an opportunity to share His thoughts. Apparently, God’s wanted to write something for DadCentric for a while, so this ended up being the perfect opportunity. Before turning it over to Him I just want to say thanks for helping me out of another jam, God.

* * *  

I guess it’s been quite a while since My last post. Things in my world have been just crazy. One day You’re trying to keep Satan from getting Obama re-elected, and the next thing You know months have gone by and You haven’t written a damn thing. As a blogger this is like the angel of death for your site—stop posting on a regular basis and people pretty much forget you even existed. Oh well. It is what it is, and if you’re one of those loyal readers still following Me then this is pleasing, in My eyes. 

To be honest though (and I always am), another reason I backed off from posting is I find myself wondering what to even blog about anymore. Keep in mind I’ve been blogging since before daddy blogging was even a thing; after what seems like an eternity of posting you tend to run out of things to say.

Pregnancy? Sure it was My first child, but I think I had a pretty good idea how things were going to turn out. (And OMG, how boring is What to Expect When You’re Expecting anyway?)

Circumcision? Yeah, pretty sure I ordained that.

Spanking? Remember My “spare the rod, spoil the child” post?

Potty training? Non-issue—Jesus nailed it on His very first try.

What about peer pressure? Satan promised My Kid the world and still He didn’t give in. Winning!

And then there’s bullying. I think everyone is well aware that My Son was literally crucified and then rose from the dead three days later. That’s a pretty definitive way of standing up to someone I’d say.

Looking back on those moments reminds me of how incredibly proud I am of My boy — only, He’s not a little boy anymore. He’s a grown-ass man working for Me in the family business. Face it, at a certain point your kids get to an age when you have to ask yourself if it’s a good idea to keep talking about them or not. Personally, I’ve had a tough time with this, but I’ve moved on.

If you can’t write about your kid what does that leave you with as a daddy blogger? Actually a few things come to mind like product reviews, if you’re into that kind of thing. Hey, don’t get Me wrong (you’d be surprised how many do), reviews, contests, and giveaways seem to work for some guys. In fact, before you start calling me a hypocrite, I’ll admit to having done a few of My own.  That quail and manna giveaway I did for all the Jews back in My blog’s Old Testament days was epic!

But I’ve learned that you have to be careful. That slope gets real slippery unless you know how to say no. There has to be a win-win for both parties. Take Motel-6 for example. After reading My post about there being no room at the inn for My soon-to-be born Son, they asked Me to be their brand ambassador.  In exchange they now pimp My writing in all of their hotel rooms. Win-win.  The NRA however?  Don’t get Me started.  They’ve been pestering Me for decades to be their brand ambassador. Yeah, I don’t think so. They get to put “God and Guns” on t-shirts while I get blamed for letting some AK-47-loving whack-job go berserk at a mall somewhere in Michigan. (Can you believe those assholes had the nerve to ask Me to do a Twitter party using the hashtag #kidswithguns!)

Which reminds me—PR pitches. By now you’d think firms would know it’s worth taking the extra time to learn My actual name! Nope. In fact, here’s one I got just yesterday.

Dear Mommy or Daddy Blogger,

We really really love your site, and really think that your readers would really enjoy hearing about our really awesome product, Baby Bjorn in a Manger. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Sincerely,

Tiffanee

Really Big Time PR Firm

NYC, New York

Did anyone else get pitched this? No? Well, in any case, verily I say unto thee, so great was my wrath upon this intern that I answered her petition with this:

Dear Tiffanee with two E’s,

Were you not aware that I know the exact number of hairs on your head? How? Because I am God and if God can take the time to count the hairs on your noggin, then don’t you think you could take the time to find out what My name is? I mean I pretty much spell everything out for you if you click on the tab that says “For PR Firms” at the top of the page. In fact, the very first line on that page says, “People refer to Me as many things, but my name is God.”

Had you addressed Me as such I may have considered your request; however, you did not and now I condemn you to burn in hell. (Just kidding. Maybe.)

Sincerely,

GOD

Before getting off the topic, full confession: I like free stuff. Oh, I may pretend not to care, but when the FedEx truck shows up outside the pearly gates I get a bit excited every time. Problem, though, is that I’ve turned into a bit of a snob. At first getting all that gold, frankincense, and Dove body wash dropped on my doorstep was pretty cool, but the thrill for Me has …waned. (Oh goodie. A bag of Cheetos. Yawn.) What I really want is something big time, like being named one of the Disney Moms. (I keep asking Andy and Charlie to put in the good word for Me. I mean for My son’s name’s sake, I made their book deal happen, the least they can do is to help a brutha out!)

This brings up another issue I’ve been wrestling with—recognition. Like I’ve said before, I’ve been doing this dad blogging thing forever, and do you think I can get included on a Top Daddy Blogger list anywhere? Not a chance. Who does a deity have to blow over at Babble to be in their Top 50—Mickey Mouse? (M.I.C.  K.E.Y.  Get down on your knees!)  And it doesn’t have to be a list either. I’d just be happy to get one of my posts accepted by The Good Men Project—hell, getting Lisa Belkin to return just one of My emails would be a major achievement for Me (other than, you know, creating the universe in six days).

Seriously, though, what’s the secret? I mean, I’ve got a huge followership--not sure how many of them actually read my stuff, but the numbers are there according to my stat counter, Klout score, and Alexa Ranking (because, yeah, that has to be it).  Or maybe I need to be more controversial in my parenting like that douchebag Jacob who admitted to everyone how Joseph was his favorite son as he handed him that multi-colored coat. Sure, Joseph’s brothers reacted by selling him into slavery before then telling their dad he was dead, but can you imagine the mutha freakin’ pageviews!

I’ve also tried to do get recognition by submitting panel proposals for some of the top blog conferences Apparently, it takes an act of Me to get your panel accepted, and even then there’s a chance you won’t even be chosen to speak on it. Hopefully that’s not the case with my Dad 2.0 submission on how to raise the perfect child.  Obviously, I’m qualified to cover the topic but finding co-panelists is a Me damn nightmare.  Single Dad Laughing and Her Bad Mother keep dropping hints, but eh… I don’t know. Whatever happens, you can bet your ass I’ll be showing up in New Orleans in 2014, if for nothing else than just to see the look on people’s faces. Good heavens! Is that God over there drinking Four Loko with Doug French?

Then again, maybe not.  Without the free shit, the rankings and the speaking gigs why would I want to be a daddy blogger anymore?  If that’s what it’s all about, why bother? Maybe I should just use my Me-given talent to express myself about whatever I want.  To hell with everything else. (Unless my boy JC puts in a good word for you, of course.)  But if God doesn’t want to be a daddy blogger anymore won’t that piss other people off? Hey, I’ve been doing what I’ve wanted since before the dawn of man, and the only people I’ve offended were those who didn’t get it.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go finish negotiating the deal between the Patriots and Tim Tebow. Hey, maybe I’ll write a post about it later.


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