I was thinking about Christmas movies, as one is wont to do this time of year; I thought of doing a post about my favorites, but it occurred to me that I haven’t added any new ones to the list. (Although Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale looks promising.) So, I’m regifting a post from November 2005. I offer you these classic Christmas movies, which smell of frankincense, myrrh, and Awesome.
5. Bad Santa. This is an excellent movie for the kids, becauses it teaches a valuable lesson: even “the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin’ shit that has ever slid from a human being’s hairy ass” can change his ways and become a good person. Sorta.
4. Lethal Weapon. From the opening frame, the film puts us in a holiday mood. Johnny Helms croons “Jingle Bell Rock” over the credits. Then a naked drugged-out teenaged girl jumps to her death.
3. All of the Lord of The Rings movies. Because they all came out at Christmas, and what a gift. They ought to re-release them every Christmas. They’re great flicks, best viewed on the big screen, and it’s a blessing to able to sneak out to a movie theater on Christmas Night and get a three-hour respite from insane relatives.
2. Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and Mystery Science Theater 3000 Presents Santa Claus . The first from the Joel Era, the second from the Mike Era. A word about the second: it’s arguably the funniest ep of MST3K ever. The movie, Santa Claus, is bizarre beyond description – yes, even more bizarre than a movie about Santa fighting his own War of The Worlds.
…and the number 1 Christmas Movie Of All Time is…
DIE HARD. “NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN HO HO HO”. One of the greatest action movies of all time. Spawned a whole crop of “Die Hard On A…” clones (Under Siege – Die Hard On A Battleship; Passenger 57 – Die Hard On A Plane; Speed – Die Hard On A Bus; Under Siege 2: Dark Territory – Die Hard On A Train; Speed 2: Cruise Control – Die Hard On A Cruise Ship). Established Bruce Willis as a Movie Tough Guy (no Die Hard, no Butch grabbing a samurai sword and going to town on Ving Rhames’ new boyfriends) and Alan Rickman as the Movies’ Premier “That Guy” Villian (“Who’s the guy playing Snape?” “It’s That Guy from Die Hard. Hans Gruber.”) And the best of the numerous remakes of It’s A Wonderful Life.
“Whaaa?”, you say. Oh yes. It’s SOOO obvious. See, John McClane is George Bailey. Only we skip through all the expository BS about falling through the ice and getting bitchsmacked by Mr. Gower and “Buffalo Gals” and cut right to the chase: McClane starts the movie on the airplane, feeling miserable and wondering what the lives of his family (Bonnie Bedelia – high on my list of big-screen MILFS – and his kids) would be like without him. In a freak twist of fate, he watches as terrorist and self-described “uncommon thief” Hans Gruber (who is a sneering, smarmy prick just like Old Man Potter) tries to steal the money of the locals (well, not really – he’s trying to steal a bunch of bonds from rich Japanese bankers, but it’s still stealing). Then McClane’s slovenly underachieving guardian angel shows up; his Clarence is Al Powell, the off-duty cop who offers words of advice and encouragement to McClane, who realizes that life is sweet and worth living and then proceeds to kill all of the bad guys in creatively nasty ways. And just as Clarence gets his wings at the end of It’s A Wonderful Life, Al gets his first Officer Involved Kill as he blows away the blond German/Russian terrorist who we all knew was going to come back from the dead and try to kill McClane and Bonnie Bedelia. Then everyone laughs and hugs while “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” plays in the background. See? Same movie.
So put all of these in your Netflix cue. Since it’s Christmas, they’ll go fast. Trust me.