DadCentric

Ask DadCentric: Will Boys Be Boys?

We ring in the New Year with another installment of America's Favorite Fatherly Advice Column, Ask DadCentric. Reader Andie D sends the following query:

Ok, I'll bite.  I. need. help.

My 5.5 year old son seems to have been born with no natural empathy.  His main goal in life so far seems to be to do whatever the hell he feels like doing at the moment.  Consequences be damned.  Examples:
Headbutting his friends for no reason (Really - no reason. Unless you count, "I don't know; I just wanted to.") Finding it near impossible to hug without a corresponding tackle. Torturing his little sister by egging her on to do "bad" things and then giggling when she does them.

Is any of this shit a normal "boy thing"?  My hub and I both have talked to him about right and wrong, he knows about our morals and values, can restate them almost verbatim, gets lots of positive reinforcement, and has clearcut consequences for making "bad" choices.  Either something is just not clicking for this kid or it's time to call in the pros.

I want to nip this stuff in the bud now!

Andie, let me answer you with a story of my own. Just this evening, Lucas was on the phone chatting with my parents (whom we'll refer to as "Bubbie" and "Poppa"). It was a lively discussion, with Lucas telling them all about the toys he got for Christmas and his day at school and what he had for dinner. He's growing up so fast, I thought. Listen to him, almost four and carrying on an actual phone conversation with my parents, they must be so thrilled, they only get to see him a few times a year and now they can actually talk WITH him, not at him...

"PENIS!"

Wha...?

He was giggling into the phone. "Penis! Bum! Butt!", he crowed. I quickly grabbed the phone from him and addressed my parents. "Yeah, well, he's punchy, you know, long day at school, up early, don't know where he gets those words from..." Luckily, Bubbie and Poppa were on their speaker phone, which has all the clarity of a speakerbox at the Del Taco drive-thru. "Say goodnight, Lucas," I growled. "I pooped on my head!", he cheerfully replied.

My point? Girls, from what I've seen of my friends' female kids, are decidedly more genteel (although Zoe, bless her little 8 week old heart, is a farter of the first order. Volume and stench.); boys, in my experience, like to run into walls and talk about bodily functions. This does not end at 3, or 5, or 38. As Dennis Miller once put it, boys think farts are funny because they are.

But I think I understand where you're coming from; your son is at the point where his actions are getting others in trouble and possibly causing them injury. What I'd guess (and this is my opinion; child psychiatrists, pediatricians, and Scientologists, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) is that your son's doing this stuff to get attention. When you get upset with him, you're giving him that attention. He wins. One thing that I've heard works (and with a little sister in the house, I'm sure I'll have ample opportunity to test this theory) is that when your kid hits/tackles/headbutts another, the first thing to do is check on the other kid - immediately give that child, not the offender, the attention. When your daughter does something bad and your son is the root cause, talk to her first about what she's done, and then address him (or perhaps don't - reacting to his behavior, and giving him that attention, might be reinforcing it).

We're dealing with listening issues in our house these days as well; anyone have any advice and/or war stories they'd like to share? Feel free to comment below...

Are We Here to Amuse You?

What can I say? We like muppets.

Round Trip: A Guide for Survival

I recently wrote about preparing for a family vacation that would consist of strapping our two small boys, ages 3 1/2 and 1 year, into the confines of plush plastic safety and hurling them at 85 miles an hour through the space that is Interstate 10 between Los Angeles and Tucson.  Mission complete.

Yes, I realize that I led you to believe that the actual trip was a few weeks off, but to be honest I didn't want any of you taking advantage of my being gone and stealing my shit.  I figure if you read DadCentric you're liable to do anything.  Sorry, I have trust issues.

So we loaded up the truckster and threw caution to the wind.  Actually, we threw common sense to the wind and left at the peak of afternoon traffic, non-rush hour (really, who named it that?), and were able to enjoy the immediate surroundings of our home base for an extended period of time.  We had to pull over for Thing 1 to pee twice before we hit San Bernadino.

We purchased a portable DVD player for the car with two screens and packed a bag full of movies, although it turns out that I apparently only needed to bring two films.  No, not because they were long enough to fill that span of time, but because my kid likes what he likes and he likes the two damn movies.  Again and again.  Whatever.  He seldom sits still long enough to watch a movie at home so I didn't feel too bad about letting him stare into his own private screen for hours on end.

I didn't feel bad at all.  If anything I was thankful.  We were able to listen to some music and have some conversation that was seldom interrupted for anything but the request for a pee break.  Even that trickled to nothing once we cut off the fluid intake (just kidding CPS!).

Then there was Thing 2.  Oh sure, he's cute as a freaking button, but that booger would just as soon cut you as look at you.  He knows when he's being set-up and he'll have no part of it.  Granted, he was fairly quiet for most of the ride to Tucson, aside from the last hour when we were tired as hell and he was more so.  That part of the trip SUCKED. 

The ride home played out about the same, but with a few more stops and the subsequent resettling  (i.e., crying) that comes with the constant loading and unloading of a baby that has had enough.

Overall the trip was much smoother than I had hoped it could ever be, and that is why I am posting this account.  Between comments on here and my personal blog, as well as a few emails, it appeared that I was not alone in my concern over our decision to travel via automobile.

I'll tell you, it wasn't any harder with two than it was with one, which is weird because usually when you hear someone say that the second child is easier in any given situation they are lying through their damn liar's teeth.

I hate to preach the DVD thing again, especially since we (which of course means my wife) doesn't want the boys watching a bunch of tv.  She also doesn't want them spending time in the backseat on something so drab, but would rather they stare out the window playing license plate tag or counting train cars. Basically, she wants them to be as miserable on long road trips as we were when our parents dragged us along the highway.

That said, get a DVD player if you are going to be in the car for a consecutive period of time exceeding 5 hours, maybe shorter, and when you speak of me speak well.

We also tried two other things, both of which worked to varying degrees.  First, on the way there we traveled by night, which makes for an easy transition into bed for the kids as well as a fresh start on the next morning.  This works best if you are able to stay with someone (grandparents) that doesn't mind getting up with the well-rested children at 7a.m. while you catch up on a bit of sleep.

On the way home we traveled by day, but we stopped often and for longer periods of time.  This lets the kids burn some energy while the parents grab a few beers (or coffee like we did).

Neither way was 100%, but both worked well enough, so take from that what you will.  Still, it was worth it, meaning it had a good beat and I could dance to it.  I'd give it an eighty.

Ask DadCentric: A Two-Parter!

Reader Sean has a couple of questions:

Jason, I just read the topic "Fair Warning" on your cool site. I don't know about you, but I would have to take a pass on that one. Have you seen those guys lately? I saw them in '83, and I think I will leave that memory as it should be left in the "kick ass concerts by bands that should remain broken up" file. How about this topic for DadCentric: What reunions would you like to see? Personally, I would shoot someone (not fatally, of course, unless that was absolutely necessary) if I thought it would bring back Joe Strummer long enough to get the Clash back together. What do you think?

I just dicovered DadCentric, and it looks cool. Are there any good sites/blogs that you know of for parents of older kids? Mine are 7 & 11 and it seems like most of these parenting sites are for those with babies and toddlers.

Thanks
Sean (punkerdad)
Bend, OR

Sean - as to part one: personally, I'd love to see the following reunions, in no particular order: Husker Du, The Replacements, the original lineup of The Jayhawks, Uncle Tupelo, and Asia. It was the heeeeat of the moment...also, this faux G'N'R lineup sucks. Someone needs to quit fucking around and get Izzy, Slash, Duff, and Adler back up on stage with Axl. As to part two - you've stumped me. I'll throw that part out to the readers: any good sites/blogs out there that are by/for parents of older kids?

Ask DadCentric!

Today's installment presents a bit of a challenge: a reader, who'll we'll call "Reader", asked me for a bit of advice, but wanted to keep things on the down-low, as Reader wants to maintain a bit of discretion. Reader writes:

Is it possible to be friends with someone who is very different from you?

Sounds basic, I know, but once you add kids into the mix, things get complicated.

My child has a friend who is about the same age. The mother and I share some interests and have things to talk about, and she is a nice person, but we are VERY different. I am not talking I am a republican and she is a democrat different. I am not talking she goes to church and I don't different. I am talking I love my husband and put my family first and she doesn't seem to different. I am talking "I make good choices and she doesn't" different.

She then went on to give me some examples, some of which cause me to raise an eyebrow, Spock-like, and that takes some doing, as some of the choices I've made with my kid include encouraging him to belch the alphabet and teaching him to yell "Kings suck!" while watching L.A./Sacramento games.  Now, the stuff Reader told me about was a bit more profound than that; shit that might give one pause to rethink a friendship even if there weren't kids involved (we're talking "cheating-on-the-spouse" level stuff).

My take is this: at some point, people either decide that they're going to be Responsible Parents, or they don't. Now, by Responsible, I don't mean no-smoking-drinking-swearing-go-to-church-get-a-job; I mean that they recognize that everything they do can and will affect their kids, and that they need to consider the costs of their actions. If somebody's making stupid or bad choices, do you want your kid to get caught in their wake? And, really,do you want to spend your time hanging out with them? We all experience this at one time or another; remember when you got married, and all of a sudden you looked at the drama and the problems of your single friends and realized "Huh! Lame!", and when your first kid came into the picture, and your childless friends' issues ("We don't know whether to do the foyer in Santa Fe or Colonial!") became trivial? Well, I had a point, but it's 11:30 pm and after a day of staring at the computer screen my eyeballs feel like someone stuck a piece of Scotch tape on them, so my advice would be to minimize time spent with this person until they get their shit together.

As for your kid's friendship with that person's kid...that's a toughie. Any of you commentors, now would be a good time to comment.

Want some useless advice from the DadCentric gang? Read this! Oh, and when I woke this morning to check to see if this posted, it did, but the paragraphs were in reverse order. Not that it made much sense anyway. Thanks, TypePad! You suck!

Ask DadCentric!

Once again, it's time to dust off the Tome Of All DadCentric Wisdom and give advice and counsel to an inquiring reader. Today's question comes from Mark, who writes:

We're (my girlfriend and I) not hitched.  My oh-so-conservative mom has handled the situation like a trooper for the most part, and is in fact our primary babysitter since we both work full time.  However, she is a tad on the...overprotective side.  Part of this is of course because this is her first grandchild.  However, she's just naturally a worrywart.  If there's something to be freaked out about, rest assured she'll find it.  Even if there isn't, don't worry, she'll come up with SOMEthing.  This has put us in kind of an awkward position at times.  My girlfriend, especially, feels really off-balance because of this.  It's kind of demeaning to have someone insisting you don't have enough layers on the baby just for the walk from the front door to the car -- particularly when you've already managed to raise an 11 year old to safety, like my girlfriend has. (To say nothing of the fact we live in Arizona.  If she freaks out during the easy winter season...she may not let us take him outside without an opaque bubble during the summer!)  Since I'm the baby in the family, I've always been used to having her assume I can't really take care of myself anyhow, so I'm more used to it.  Still though, there are definitely moments where I've got to bite my tongue after mom tries to give me a scolding for something that is really a parental judgment call.  How can we manage to deal with the situation without anyone's feelings getting too bruised?  And how can we enforce our way of doing things down the road, when there will surely be out and out disagreements on "but that isn't How Things Are Done"?  Any words of wisdom on grandparental relations (well, not RELATIONS...ewww) from the DadCentric crew?  Thanks!

Geez - advice on dealing with meddling parents? Why don't you ask me about how we're going to get out of Iraq without creating a power vacuum?

Here's the thing with parents. They mean well. Example: on tonight's episode of 24 (SPOILER WARNING!!! STOP READING IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED!!! MAJOR PLOT TWIST AHEAD!!!!! I'M SERIOUS!!! HENCE THE ALL CAPS AND LIBERAL USE OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!)....

....Jack decided to give the audiotape of President Logan and Christopher Henderson's chat about their involvement in killing David Palmer (bastards!) to his possible future father-in-law, Secretary of Defense Raines. Now, of course we know what's going to happen: SecDefFIL takes the tape, has his guys detain Jack, and spouts off some silly jive about "back in my day, when the President did bad things, we let him resign for the good of the country. Rather than send him to jail, to save the Presidency we made him leave the Oval Office. On foot. In the snow. Up hill. Both ways." In other words, Jack, a grown man who's tortured and killed at least 154 people in the course of saving the country four times, is still a dumbass kid. Now, Papa Raines is just trying to do what's best for the country, which means that he'll probably be dead by the end of the ep (I'm doing this post in real time, just like the show! Beepdonk - BEEPdonk - Beepdonk - BEEPdonk...) and his daughter will be a hostage. When really, all he had to do was step aside and let Jack shoot a few more guys, and maybe break someone's finger. Here, then, was a very relevant example of the generation gap, and how our parents sometimes forget that we're competant, capable adults. (Actually, something much worse happened to Audrey! Holy shit! As stupid as last season was, this season has PWNED.) (SIC)

Back to real life. The good thing is, your mom is eager and willing to help. The bad thing is that her idea of help seems to extend past the boundaries of tact. Your situation is not uncommon; I can think of a few times when I bristled at "advice" given to me by my parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors, co-workers, people in line at the grocery store...but when it comes right down to it, there are only two experts on your kid - you and your girlfriend. Your situation is tough, since your mom is also your daycare provider; there may be a sense that since she spends so much time with your kid, she's entitled to a say in how her grandchild is raised.  There's really not an easy answer here, but parents need to be assertive and establish themselves as the ones in charge, especially when it comes to things like discipline and "spoiling" the kid. The three of you need to be on the same page, and it's you and your girlfriend's call as to what that entails. Anyone else dealing with a similar situation?

Want to ask us a question, and perhaps drink from the wellspring of DadCentric Knowledge? Read this!

Daycare Dilemma

Just so we're clear - I am not an expert on child raising - as if there were any doubt.  I may post things here and you may feel compelled to read them, but that should, in no way, lend even the slightest bit of credibility to my premises.  They are, in short, what works for us - and by "us" I mean Mrs. Big Dubya and me - not the other dads here at DadCentric.  But, all things considered, like all the pundits on television, I do have a platform (this blog) and an audience (you) so, maybe I can pass myself off as an expert on all things parenting.  I'll just scream and talk over you if you have a differing opinion - he who is loudest is rightest.  So there.

A month or so ago, Jason posted about us doing an "Ask DadCentric" - a place where we would answer your questions about parenting, the dad lifestyle, what to do when you have pocket fours or the age old discussion on who has better pop cred: Tiffany or Debbie Gibson.  Well, someone asked about the mundane topic of daycare so I figured that since we do send Little Dub to one, maybe I could provide some perspective.

Now, maybe it's not a good idea for me to write about the petri dish that is full-time daycare what with Little Dub currently asleep, battling a fever and filled to the gills with Tylenol and Amoxocillin.  But, hey, let me give it a go.  In all honesty, we do like our daycare and Little Dub's progress while he's been attending.  That isn't to say that if we were able to do it financially we wouldn't pull him out of there in a heartbeat and have one of us stay home full-time - nope, not at all (c'mon Powerball).  So far though, aside from the game of pass the virus to the left-hand side, it has been a pretty good experience.

Little Dub, even though he is (was?) a preemie, has been developing right on track or, in some cases, a little ahead of schedule.  I think, without fear of ascribing too much credit to daycare, that his attendance there ceratinly has contributed to that development - call it positive peer pressure - "If all the other kids were walking around and then falling on their asses....."  We've also found that he works well in crowds and unfamiliar situations - there's no stranger anxiety and rarely, if ever, has anything akin to a meltdown.  All in all, pretty positive stuff.  Other than daily dips in Purel, I can't really think of anything they should differently.

Like I said, if we had our druthers, Little Dub would be home with a SAHM or SAHD, but financially, it just isn't feasible at the present time.  It's a difficult choice to make, but daycare has worked for us and we believe that it has been good for Little Dub, however your mileage may differ.

Ask DadCentric!

Welcome to another installment of Ask DadCentric!, where we dispense fatherly wisdom in our own inimitable style. Today's question comes from exasperated reader/blogger Kevin, who writes:

"Dudes, you've got to help. Our little girl is just over 9 months old. She's got 4 teeth through successfully now, two up & two down, and we're pretty sure she's not teething at the moment, but she's suddenly become a TERROR to put to bed at night. She had been putting herself to sleep pretty well for a while, but it's like that skill has flown out the window. She goes down easily enough during the day for her naps, and she plays quite happily until she gets tired in the evening and starts rubbing her eyes, etc. She's a happy, healthy baby in all other respects. But when we try to put her down she goes nuts. We cuddle her, and sing to her, and she gets all dreamy & sleepy, and then we set foot in her room, and she knows she's going to bed, and it's on. We've tried Bongella (for her teeth), but no difference. We've taken her for walks, and she just cries. We can put her to sleep by taking her for a drive, or rocking her in my arms (eventually), but those aren't really feasible long-term. We'd try controlled crying, but there is no control to be had. Once we are able to get her into bed, she stands at the edge of her crib, screaming like something possessed, and it goes on & on & on until we pick her up, and then we go again, and she eventually exhausts her little self. My wife is frazzled beyond belief, my heart breaks every night as I don't know what to do & I can't stand to see my little girl unhappy, and I haven't had any sex for wayyyy too long. Help a brother out...."

Kevin, you’re fortunate that your little girl is 9 months old. The standard infant warranty covers one year, so you should be able to contact your customer service representative and get either a replacement or a full refund. Unless you got a display model, which are often sold “as is”. See what happens when you try to save a buck?  It sounds like you’re somewhat fond of your child, so I’m guessing that you’re not looking to trade her in. So let’s take a step back and look at the two general factors that could be at play here:

Physical ailment. My kid suffered from recurring ear infections, which often made it tough for him to sleep. If you haven’t done so, make an appointment with your pediatrician and get her checked out.

Behavioral issues. Well, duh. I’ll preface my advice here with a couple of disclaimers. First, starting at about 6 weeks of age, my kid slept through the night. Like a rock. Still does. (I’ll pause here to allow you all to make obscene gestures at your computer screens. Feel better? Let's move on then, shall we?) Second, it goes without saying that I’m not a Professional Child Behaviorist; my expertise extends to surfboard recommendations, what TV shows you should be watching, and where to get good Mexican food. But since you asked, here’s my five cents. I keep zeroing in on the notion that you’ve got a bit of a battle of wills going on here. This is one of the things that they don’t tell you about in Dad School: as your kid grows, they become more and more self-aware. This is fun when they do cool things like point at their reflections in the mirror and say their name. It’s not so much fun when they realize that strained green beans taste like ass, there’s no such thing as predestination, and flinging said ass-flavored beans across the room is now an option. Now, she’s eventually gonna lose this battle, since sleep will catch up with her. The trick is to avoid a Pyrrhic victory; you need to retain what’s left of your sanity, and the sex thing? Kind of important. One way to do that is make the crib a place that she enjoys – stuffed animals, a mobile, music, all of the above. Reinforce the notion that bedtime is a pleasant experience. We used one of those Fisher-Price Aquarium Thingies (yes, I believe that’s what they’re actually called) and it really helped settle Lucas down at bedtime. So there’s my admittedly pedestrian advice. Oh, and if you’re ever in San Diego, El Callejon has fantastic carnitas, and the salsa verde is to die for.

Want advice from the untrained, semi-skilled nonprofessionals here at DadCentric? Read this!

Ask DadCentric!

Today's question arrives courtesy of Jeff!

"Hola Jason and Fellow Dadcentric Bloggers,
I have a question for ya...  I'm a vegan, my wife is not. I try not to be the annoying, ''I can't eat anything, ever. Because at some point in history it traveled in a car that used animal products to make the tires.'' kind of vegan- but I still (obviously) have some clearly defined beliefs when it comes to eating meat. My wife wants the Kiddo to eat meat until he decides otherwise. I'm fine with milk, maybe eggs... But I don't want him to eat meat. I don't think it's necessary or healthy, and I wish I hadn't in the past. I understand the difficulties as far as making sure he eats the proper nutritional content without meat. But it's not too horribly difficult, especially if he's not vegan.
This is the only real issue we've been in completely different courts on.
Any ideas, suggestions, whatever, would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Jeff"

Jeff,

When I saw this question come across my desk at DadCentric HQ (think Hall Of Justice, without the cool spandex costumes…oh, we have costumes, just no spandex), I wanted to snag it immediately. Okay, so, I eventually forgot about it until Jason brought it back up but it really is the thought that counts, right? Why’d I want to field the question so badly? Because I, a vegetarian myself, might be the sole voice of reason in this sea of carnivorous dads. In short, I think I can solve your problem – you’re right and your wife is wrong. There. Feel better?

Several years ago, both my wife and I gave up meat. We never ate a hell of a lot of it so it wasn’t too painful. When we had our daughter – despite the fact that she was exclusively feeding on the boob juice – we started thinking about meat. We figured she can make her own choice about that and, until then, we’ll just steer (no pun intended) clear.

My advice, admittedly one-sided since I already unconditionally sided with you and probably alienated your wife, would be to avoid meat. You can't unring that bell, you know?  Let that be your son’s decision. Until then, I’ve been assured by my conveniently vegetarian pediatrician, he’ll get what he needs from fruits, vegetables and jerky. Wait, strike the jerky thing.

Also? Many of the world’s greatest minds are or have been vegetarians. Leonardo Da Vinci, Nikola Tesla, Franz Kafka, Paul McCartney, and of course Pam Anderson and William Shatner, to name just a few.

Just do me a favor, though? Don’t let him become one of those crazy-ass PETA people. The ones who oppose the mass slaughter of in ritual sacrifices are fine with me but some of them go a bit far. You know, just watch the extremes. Oh, and keep him away from some of that faux meat crap, like fake bacon. If you’re going to travel down that particular road, you might as well just kill and gut a pig.

So, to recap, please refer to the following talking points for a healthy, persuasive conversation with your wife. I think you’ll agree, there’s no way you can’t win with ammunition like this:

1. I’m right, you’re wrong. Nanny-nanny poo-poo.
2. William Shatner
3. If you eat meat, you let the terrorists win.

Got a question you'd like us to answer? Need some Dadvice?  Read this!

Ask DadCentric!

Today's question comes to us from reader Richard, who writes:

"My precious little ABMOD (Ankle Biting Midget of Death) has the unique ability to say "Mommie" two thousand times a minute the second we sit down to have dinner. This is not pleasant. I have found that my repeating "what" at the same rate of speed results in wife getting mad. Has anyone else experienced this phenomonon? and if so besides the timeout method (limited success) any secrets to making it stop?"

First, let me say that I chose this question because how could I not? Ankle Biting Midget Of Death! I'll share a story with you all. When I was a young boy, I had the misfortune of seeing Herve Villachaize - yeah, THAT Herve Villachaize, Tattoo from Fantasy Island - sing some weirdass song about people fighting on some talk show (research has revealed that it was Dinah Shore). I remember it vividly. Turns out I'm not the only one. What does this have to do with Richard's dilemma? Not a goddamn thing. But it sure is funny! Back to Richard.

ABMOD is 2ish. 2ish kids are all about repeating things. They're geeked out on the fact that they can actually say words. And they're stoked that you actually understand what they're saying. So rather than stress over the fact that she's hung up on this certain word, encourage her to add new words to her repertoire. And be thankful that her word of choice is "mommy" and not, for instance, "shit".

Got a question you'd like us to answer? Read this!