I guess we’re supposed to be paying attention to every “Must-Have Toy List” that hits the Internets. This one showed up on Yahoo this morning. There is apparently a magazine called Toy Wishes, and God as my witness I’ll let my kid have a subscription to Hustler’s Barely Legal Babes before he ever gets his mitts on a copy of that publication. Call me a fuddy-duddy (and watch me point at you and laugh, ’cause who the hell uses that term anymore?), but I’m pretty turned off by the fact that all but two of the entries listed require either batteries, a TV, or a stereo to operate. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Here’s my take on a few of the items listed.
Black Belts Karate Home Studio, by Spin Master: First, didn’t Daniel-San beat Tommy Nitro’s ass in one of the Karate Kid movies? So why the hell would you want this guy teaching martial arts to your kid? Second, even with the clever use of montages (“YOU’RE THE BEST – AROUND! NOTHIN’S EVER GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN! YOU”RE THE BEST – AROUND! NOTHIN’S EVER GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN!”), it goes without saying that your kid won’t be able to learn karate in 30 minutes. Trouble is, your kid won’t have the sense to know that, and thus will ensure himself an asswhoppin’ when he tries to do the Crane Kick on the guy who gave him a Swirly in gym class last week.
Furby, by Hasbro: Jesus, people – didn’t any of you see I,Robot? Wait – bad question – of course you didn’t…look, Furbies are evil and they’re plotting and one day they are going to rise up and slay their human masters and when I’m a Furby slave mixing their drinks and massaging their feet BUT STILL ALIVE while your head is mounted over some Furby’s fireplace, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Unless…
the iDogs by Hasbro win the coming Robot Toy Wars. Then all bets are off.
Iz, by Zizzle: Snoop is apparently launching his own line of toys.
Pixel Chix, by Mattel: An electronic girl. This is wrong on so many levels.
Shell Shocker, by Tyco: Now with realistic IED action! (Insurgent dolls sold separately. Armor that would protect vehicle occupants from incoming RPGs not included.)
Magnetix 150 Count Primary Set, by Rose Art: This one really confused me, for it requires the kid to do something called “imagine”. Not familiar with that phrase. Better Google it.