DadCentric

You Can't Swim in an Ice Age

We were supposed to go see Ice Age 7:Dawn of Tony Orlando or some such nonsense.  I was then going to post about it here for your reading enjoyment.

Enjoyment is such a strong word.

However, I'm fairly confident that I can review the movie for you anyway.

The Obligatory "Michael Jackson Was A Dad" Post

"When history is personified, and the person behind that history dies, history itself is no longer real." - Greil Marcus, on the death of Elvis

Greil Marcus' quote can easily be applied to Michael Jackson. Live fast, die young, leave a freakish surgically altered corpse, a grieving pet chimp, and the remains of the Elephant Man. So long, Michael Jackson; we hardly knew ye. Or maybe we knew ye too much. Michael Jackson was perhaps the most polarizing performer of the last 30 years; love him or hate him (full disclosure: I skew towards the latter), it's hard to deny the impact he had on popular culture. 

Of course, when any controversial entertainer dies, there's a symbolic as well as actual voiding of the bowels - lots of shit comes out, and it usually ends up splattering the people that were closest to the deceased. Sadly, Jackson's kids may be caught up in the custody battle to end all custody battles - who gets to claim the King of Pop's heirs?

And worse - are they even his?

Bastion of journalistic integrity TMZ is reporting that MJ is not the biological father of any of his kids. Us Magazine claims that Prince and Paris Jackson's father is Michael Jackson's dermatologist. And the Weekly World News? They've got the scoop on Michael Jackson's funeral, President Obama's reaction to his death, and Kim Jong-Il's planned tribute. (I love that The Weekly World News has separate headers for posts about Aliens and posts about Mutants.)

But back to the kids. Personally, I'm convinced that Jackson was up to some pretty sick shit at the Neverland Ranch, and I think that we'll learn more than we ever wanted to know about his penchant for young boys over the next few months. That said, I sincerely hope that someone steps up and looks out for his three kids. They're about to be thrust into a media circus that they never asked for and do not deserve. The sins of the father shouldn't fall on their heads, and after years of what must have been a bizarre (at the very least) and potentially damaging life with a father who clearly suffered from various forms of mental illness, the Jackson children need protection, care, and love. Katherine Jackson, Michael's mother, has filed for guardianship and the kids are currently residing with her. 

And that, sadly, doesn't give me a whole lot of hope for them.

More Condescending Advice For Dads, Courtesy of CNN/Careerbuilder

Me like read Internet because me like movies of skatebored skateborde skatebord skateboard crashes. But sometime me as dad learn stuff from Internet, like when me read story from CNN about how me should be good daddy while me work job. 

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/worklife/06/22/cb.stay.at.home.dads/index.html

This good article! Me never think of use words to communicate, like article says to do. Me usually jump up and hit self on head or throw poop to make point. Me also think use calendar good idea; me use when need to remember trips on giant shiny metal bird, so me think good use calendar to make time to throw football with boy-child; me pencil him in for two weeks from now, unless WWE Smackdown on TV. Me can also bring family to work; boy-child and girl-child might like watch me lift heavy things. Thank you CNN for make me better dad. Now me go to refrigerator, try to see if me can catch ghost who turn on light when me open door. 

"Jon & Kate Plus 8" Must Die

Rooting for divorce, especially when children are involved, is not something I would normally advocate. But frankly, that has long been my position regarding Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of the Jon & Kate Plus 8, the "reality" show that follows to these parents of twins (now 8) who then had sextuplets (now 5).

My opinion, formed on the occasional episode I'd catch my daughter watching or tidbit I'd find online, was based on a simple premise:

Kate is a bossy, overbearing shrew of legendary proportion (updated with fancier clothes and a revised version of Posh Spice's old 'do) and Jon, no matter how wimpy you may think he is, didn't deserve to put up with her constant verbal abuse and on-camera humiliation. I'd have felt the same way if the roles were reversed.

After watching the premiere of Jon & Kate Plus Eight's new season Monday night, in which the two are definitely estranged and hinting at a permanent split amid a party to celebrate the sextuplets' birthday, my opinion has changed.

Babies and Drugs

Most of my teenage summers were spent in the wilds of the Texas Hill Country, employed by the Boy Scouts of America to train young lads in the ways of the outdoors, everything from building fires and swinging axes to tying knots and constructing rope bridges. It would have been the perfect job if it hadn’t been for all of those damn kids. One drawback was the schedule, with one batch of kids leaving Saturday afternoon and the next batch arriving on their heels the next Sunday afternoon. But that 24 hour span in-between was ours to do with as we pleased.

One weekend, some of my friends came out to visit and see for themselves this magical patch of acreage that I emerged from every September laden with stories with which to regale them. With no troops around, we were free to camp wherever we wanted, so we snagged a sweet spot right next to the river. Now being teenagers, there was, of course, alcohol. That was just part of the deal, and I would have been righteously disappointed in my friends had they arrived dry. And I even halfway expected them to come packing another party favor, which they most certainly did. What I did not expect them to show up with was hallucinogens.

A Family Man Leaves

While sifting through the Sunday papers, a blurb about a bill to grant federal employees four weeks of paid parental leave to care for a newborn or newly adopted child stopped me cold. This particular paragraph did the trick:

"While federal workers have been offered only unpaid leave since 1993, 75% of Fortune 500 companies grant at least a month of paid time off to new parents," wrote Joel Schectman in the New York Daily News.

See, back in the day, I worked for one of the do-nothing 25%.

Did You Forget Something? Hint, It's Mother's Day

You're reading DadCentric right now which is always a good call, but do you feel like you might be forgetting something?  Should your attention be elsewhere?  Look around you.  Is there a woman covered in children giving you some serious stink-eye?  Yes, that one.  What's her deal?

Perhaps you had a big day planned of NBA playoff action, beer and couch.  That's not happening.

Today, you poor sap, is Mother's Day and if you've made it this far you're most-likely screwed and you need our help. 

Is Scrubs Over (the Rainbow)?

This may or may not be the last season of Scrubs.  It depends on ratings, money and solar wind.  It's complicated. 

The show is also complicated.  It's a sitcom full of overly silly antics and terrible jokes and it is also incredibly funny.  It is superficial and surprisingly deep. It has heart.  Sacred.

The main character of J.D., played by Zach Braff, is leaving for sure.  That much is certain.  Even if Scrubs returns for its 9th season it will be Braffless.  This could wreck havoc on the appletini business- easy on the tini.

Say Goodbye to Hollywood

My life is spread across Craigslist and packed tight in so many boxes.  Every breath is a dollar spent and every memory a melancholy moment.  We are moving to pastures greener, literally- the greener part, not the pasture. 

We are leaving Los Angeles in a matter of weeks and I'm already over it.  Our corner of the county is for cowards and meth labs, hate crimes and crimes of hate.  This isn't the life of movie stars and swimming pools.  It is a life unfiltered and the daily grind has left us stained and lethargic.  

Say goodbye to Hollywood.

For Winners Only (Losers Please Skip)

Seriously, this is for contest winners only.  There's nothing for you to see here.

It appears that no drawing was necessary.  This is obviously due to a lack of literate people in this world and is in no way a reflection on you, the actual winners.  We're all winners here, people. 

Apparently the losers don't like to read and therefore don't enter contests with books for prizes.  This is just cause for open mocking and blatant ridicule.  I can totally say that because a) if they don't read they won't be reading this, and b) I told them to skip this post which they would anyway (see A). 

With all apologies to Scott* here are the winners from our book contest.