BLACK HOCKEY JESUS: Hello out there. I’m here, on your computer screen, with Jenny The Bloggess in Houston, Texas and Good God Jenny—you are so fucking nice. From the moment I started blogging, I was harassing you with email, and you always responded. Are you that nice to everyone or are you just totally into me?
JENNY THE BLOGGESS: I’m actually nice. “Weird” and “nice” are the two things I get called the most. The third thing is “busty”.
BHJ: Totally into me then. And busty. It sure is great to be in Houston. I’ve only been here once before when I was 6 to meet my Dad. I remember there was this little girl who was always at the pool. She taught me how to swim underwater, and she also took my hand and thrust it into her crotch. Was that you?
JTB: I don’t know how to swim, so no, unless “she taught me how to swim underwater” is a euphemism for “she had nice floaties”, in which case that was almost definitely me. Do they say “floaties” where you’re from? Because I’ve heard some people call them “water wings” and those people should be shot.
BHJ: That’s the second time you’ve mentioned your tits in like a minute and a half. This interview rocks. Alright. What’s your take on the reason Texas is no country for old men?
JTB: I don’t know because I haven’t seen No Country for Old Men but I saw The Dark Crystal and it didn’t have anything to do with Texas at all.
BHJ [???]: If Mexico defeated the US in 1848, you’d be a Mexican. What’s it like to have such a tenuous identity?
JTB: If Mexico defeated the US wouldn’t we *all* be Mexicans? And anyway, I’m half Czech and that’s almost like being Mexican. We both like to make sausage.
BHJ: I wish you wouldn’t correct me when I bring up history. Moving along. You were recently in a hurricane. Jenny, could you tell us a bit about your experience in the eye of a hurricane.
JTB: I wasn’t actually in the eye of the hurricane because I evacuated a few hours from the worst part. I was more like in the crotch of the hurricane because it was still damp and uncomfortable and even though you wanted to enjoy it you just couldn’t because you kept remembering where you were. I was in a tornado though once and it sucked. The roof started coming off and then water poured into our utility room where the gun cabinets were and we had to move all the guns and everywhere we moved them another window would break out. It was like God was purposely trying to destroy the guns. Now we have a waterproof safe to protect the guns from God.
BHJ: You’re so fucking brave, Jenny The Bloggess. And busty. Who’s your favorite mythical hobbit? Mine is probably Pippin because of the way his curiosity leads his hobbit brethren into so many zany pratfalls. Or Dooce. Who’s your favorite mythical hobbit?
JTB: I don’t use the H-word anymore. Like, ever. But my favorite mythical creature of all time is Brittany from the Chippettes although it used to really bother me when she would go out with human boys because, you know, she’s a fucking squirrel. That’s actually legal in Texas, by the way.
BHJ: Medusa is pretty sweet too. Her snake hair kicks ass. How awesome would it be to have snake hair? Anyway, your blog, The Bloggess, is very popular and lifts the spirits of millions 1 or 2 times per week. However, there is a growing number of childless critics who bemoan the effects of blogging on our children. Do you think blogging will inflict permanent damage on your daughter? If so, how do you live with yourself? Are you a monster?
JTB: My blog is read by tens of people every day and most of my best friends don’t even read it so I can’t imagine that my kid (who will probably want nothing to do with me when she’s a teen) would be even slightly interested in reading about her mom’s vagina on the internet. But to answer your question, yes. I am a monster.
BHJ: Whenever my wife reads The Bloggess, she taunts me with your popularity and says you’re funnier than me. Are you having an affair with my wife?
JTB: Popularity is fleeting, fickle and largely based on chance. Unlike having an affair with your wife, which is awesome.
BHJ: Could you briefly compare your blog to Bil Keane’s The Family Circus?
BHJ: O look at you shut down mid-interview. You’re like the wind, Bloggess. Let’s close with some blogging questions. How long have you been blogging? Why do you blog? And what kind of advice would you offer to someone who was just starting a blog?
JTB: I’ve been blogging for 3 years. I started for a lot of different reasons but the main one was to find my voice so that I could write a book, which I can’t write now because I’m too busy blogging. Advice to someone who just started a blog? Write often. Comment more. Find your voice. Wear a sweater. Not that sweater. Because it makes you look like a floozie, that’s why. Okay fine, wear the damn sweater. Avoid the h-word. Avoid ponies. Don’t step on the lines on the sidewalk or bears will eat you.