An analogy: let’s say your town has no restaurants. One day, you and your neighbors get together and vote on which restaurant will be allowed to set up shop in your neighborhood. Applebee’s wins by the tiniest of margins. Ok, you think. Normally, I’d rather eat the ass out of a dead rhinoceros than eat at Applebee’s, but I’ll make do. Eight years go by, and you and 79% of your fellow townspeople are pretty fucking sick of Applebee’s. Christ, how much Nacho Cheese Smothered Chicken Fried Steak can one eat? Clearly, it’s time to make a change. The senior leadership at Applebee’s, not wanting to relinquish their stranglehold on your tastebuds (the ones that haven’t been seared away from years of Onion Loaf and Rhubarb Creme Pie), tries to convince you that they are actually the agents of change. They propose bringing on a new manager. Problem is, despite the new manager’s background (his character was forged in the ghastly crucible of a Denny’s kitchen, and the horror he encountered there has greatly influenced his worldview), IT’S STILL FUCKING APPLEBEE’S.
Judging by the number of people who claim to be John McCain’s “friend” and the number of friends John McCain claims to have, it’s hard to make a case against a man who is apparently more popular than Jesus, the Beatles, and Slim Whitman. An affable, straight-talkin’ guy, McCain has shown time and again that he’s not your typical GOP stooge. He steers clear of the corrupt sleezebags that permeate the Republican Party, and avoids lobbyists like the plague. He walks the walk when it comes to not fucking around with campaign finance regulations. His experience as a war hero (I thought heroes did stuff like this and this and this; doesn’t getting shot down and taken prisoner make you more of a, I dunno, war victim?) profoundly affected his views on the treatment of enemy combatants and the use of torture. And his embrace of other cultures and women. Yes, the guy’s a Maverick. He’s one of us, the Average Americans. He’s beholden to no one.
Despite all of this, we’d lose a great deal of street cred if we were to endorse McCain. See, we here at DadCentric represent a sorely disenfranchised group of Americans, Dads Who Give A Shit About Their Kids. As such, we’re generally opposed to things like war and being a dumbfuck Luddite. Also, we’d kind of like to have some sort of health care system that works. Finally, to ironically paraphrase Dennis Miller: John McCain will be 72 on Inauguration Day. A 72-year-old man with access to The Button? Fuck, our grandparents are that age and we don’t let them have the remote control to the TV!
So with this in mind, we proudly support (well, most of us, anyway. At least Whit and I do.) Barack Obama in his bid to become our next President. God bless you all, God bless our troops, God bless the United States of America, and fuck Applebee’s.
(ETA 8/28/08 1:20 PST: Regarding comments. I’m a fairly easy-going dude, but I am also a Godless Pinko Commie Liberal, and will delete lameass comments/ban trolls. If you don’t agree with this post, cool, I’m sure that you’re a nice person and after the election we’ll all grab a beer together, etc. Keep it civil, concise, and above all interesting, and if this is the first time you’ve visited this site I highly, HIGHLY recommend that you go through the archives to get a sense of what we’re all about. The WTF? Category is a good place to start.)