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Poor MTV. When I was a teen, I loved – nay, I wanted my MTV. 120 minutes! Headbanger’s Ball! Unplugged! The ongoing Jheri Curl battle between Mark Goodman and J.J. Jackson!  You know – MTV? The network that used to be Music Television? The one that actually played music videos? Money for nothing? Chicks for free? Anyone?

Sure, my parents disapproved of it (“Why is that man wearing lipstick?” “It’s Motley Crue, mom! They’re badass!”) but deep down they knew it was harmless, a faux rebellion led by your cool college-aged babysitter Martha Quinn (who would later cut her hair off, put on a suit, and refer to herself as “Carson Daly”). I would totally let my kid watch that MTV. Sadly, that MTV is as dead as Gary Numan’s career. To paraphrase the Buggles, the Internet and reality TV killed the video star, and MTV pretty much did away with the “M” part. Music videos gave way to game shows and reality series, America realized that the douchebags who inhabited The Real World were really just not douchebaggy enough, and so The Real World begat Jersey Shore, but that show wasn’t vile enough and thus the afterbirth of Skins slithered out of MTV’s filth.

People are up in arms over the show. Now, to be fair, I decided I’d take a look at an episode and try to find something positive to say about it. I watched a bit of it on the MTV website, rinsed my eyes out with a combination of Holy Water, Maker’s Mark, and bleach, and sat down to see if I could come up with a way to spin the show.

So I heard about this show, Skins, and it’s about 15 year olds having sex and doing drugs, and naturally, my interest was piqued.

Wait. That came out wrong. Let me start over.

If you enjoy watching 15 year old actors having simulated sex – I don’t, but hey, I’m not skeevy – then boy howdy, does MTV have a show for you! Skins! From the network that brought you Adam Curry, Falco, and Jenny McCarthy!

No? Ok. How about this?

If you thought The State was hilarious, you ain’t seen nothing yet! Skins! It’s like The State, only less funny, and with 15 year old actors having simulated sex!

Eh.

MTV presents Skins, the new show from the minds of the people who brought you To Catch A Predator – not the producers of the show, but the ones who make it possible, 55-year-old guys with bad combovers who are surprised when they walk in the door and there’s a camera crew and Chris Hansen, and who are even more surprised when they’re getting raped in prison six months later because oops, the stories about what happens to child molesters in jail are true. Yeah, those people.

Finally, I came up with this. Succinct, but to the point.

Skins. It’s fucked up. But hey, at least that 15 year old actress isn’t your daughter. Unless it is. In which case you deserve a good throat punch.