DadCentric

Fireworks

I'm taking the easy way out tonight - I can't properly combine words into coherent sentences in order to post something worthy of your time so I'm posting a video that was crucial to my elementary school learning. I'm sure it was with many of you as well. At least those of you who grew up in front of the TV a la Martin Tupper. For those of you born in the 80s or later, this was the Dark Ages, B.C. (Before Cable).

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great Fourth of July. Take a moment to remember the sacrifices of our Founding Fathers (and Mothers) and ponder the significance of what they wrought. Also remember those who paid the ultimate price in defense of this great nation and the freedoms and liberties we enjoy (and often take for granted).

Have a great weekend!

The True Meaning of Father's Day

We've been talking a lot about Father's Day this week. To recap: 

Mr. Big Dubya, on the loss of a father and a friend.

Me, on a day in the life.

Kevin, with Special Guest Dad Dead Michael Landon, on dads as second-class citizens.

Whit heads up a contest for dads (WHICH YOU NEED TO ENTER)

The Holmes gives props to all you m*therf*ckers.

I get all artsy. Literally.

TwoBusy makes you verklempt.

To the dads out there - have a great Father's Day, and remember: this is what it's all about...

Remembering Those Who Fathered the Dads of DadCentric

Sunday is of course the Best Holiday In The Galaxy when Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny converge to shower Dads everywhere with shiny electronic wonders and the weather calls for a storm of raining beer. We can't be bothered to mow the grass because it's raining beer and Dads everywhere just look into the sky with open mouths until our wives call us in the house to fuck us all kinds of limber ways like slutty porno girls.

In honor of this Wondrous Day, the DadCentric guys all pondered memories of their own Dads to make a single post that speaks about the Dads of the Dadliest Dads on the internet. 

Commissioned Art, In Time for Father's Day

The decision was made, I think, just after she was born. Or perhaps it was during that last trimester. Zoe would be our last. Two and out. And we've never regretted not having another: our family exhibits a perfect symmetry, mother, father, brother, sister. Father's Day seems like one of the stupider Hallmark holidays, because the gifts are there every day; still, it seemed like it might be time to do something special, for me and for the kids. Earlier this year I got to thinking that I'd like to find someone to create some art, something that would incorporate the three of us, me, Lucas, Zoe. A friend recommended a local artist, I talked to him and told him what I was looking for, and he came up with a rough version:

Ocean waves, and if you look closely...I dug it, circumstances led to its completion during this Father's Day week, and it the only thing left was to find a place to hang it. (Seriously, if you don't click on the hyperlink, you'll miss the best part.)

A Belated Happy Mother's Day From Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg

Why not give Mom the gift that keeps on giving?

Peeps Gone Wild

Gives a whole new meaning to lustily eyeing the candy in your kids' Easter baskets, huh?

DadCentric Valentine's Day Flower Giveaway Contest - WE ANNOUNCE THE WINNERS!

We're sure that you're all aware that Valentine's Day is coming up; February 19th 16th 13th 14th is the day that no self-respecting husband/male significant other forgets. So to help some of you guys who blew it last year by buying your wife that Xbox 360 that you'd she'd always wanted, the good people at ProFlowers.com have kindly donated 5 free flower bundle-thingies - oh, I'm told that they're called "bouquets" - to us, to give to 5 lucky winners. And what do you have to do to win?

Simple. In the comments, tell your best Valentine's Day Story. And by "best", of course we mean "worst/most embarrassing/the one that led to a three-night couch camping trip". Because we here at DadCentric strive to overcome the stereotype of the father as an inept, insensitive douchebag, and what better way to do that then to publish anecdotes about dads fucking up Valentine's Day. Thanks to modern technology, we can allow you, the general public, to vote; we'll close the comments and vote at 12:00 PST this Friday. You can atone for past mistakes, plus ProFlowers.com delivers, so you won't even have to drive to the florist, which is good because remember that time you went to pick up flowers for the missus and oh, there's a topless bar right next to the local FTD and ten kamikazes and a free cheeseburger lunch and two lap dances later you forgot to pick up the flowers? Yeah. So does she.

 

AND NOW WE ANNOUNCE THE WINNERS!

 

This was a tough choice; everyone had an interesting story, but we narrowed it down to these 5, whose tales of Valentine's Day woes reached the depths of Greek tragedy:

 

Melissa - the Hello Kitty steering wheel cover is the gift that keeps on giving.

 

FADKOG - a twofer of bad gift decisions.

 

Steve - drinking the gift booze for the missus and passing out in your driveway? Priceless.

 

Dan - did the mourners also enjoy that Whitman's Sampler that came with the flowers?

 

Cdziuba - I have to say that this was my personal favorite. A bag of frozen tortellini. Sorry, but that is awesome.

 

Thanks again to all of you who submitted comments. And let these tales serve as a reminder of the high cost of gift-giving failure. Four days to go until Valentine's Day, people.

 

 

And the bells were ringing out for Christmas day

Happy Christmas your arse!

Santa Claus Is Something Something Something

We're all kinda busy this week, but we didn't want to leave you hanging. So, a holiday puzzle for you: see if you can figure out just what the hell Bahamian folk singer Joseph Spence is saying in this, his version of Santa Claus is Comin' to Town.

Dear Santa, Sorry to Disturb You

Santa,

I know it's a busy time of year for you, so I'll keep this short. 

Please stop outsourcing.  The elves have families.  They need their jobs and possibly universal health-care. 

But the truth is I'm not writing on behalf of the elves.  They've got unions.  They've got bailouts. 

I'm writing on behalf of me and those like me.  We're the suckers that are stuck putting together the toys that our kids are getting for Christmas and frankly, we don't like it.  No Sir, we don't like it.

When we were children and the elves were in their heyday the toys were always delivered Christmas morning already assembled.  And it was good.

Now, with the economy and NPFTA and the knock on lead, the majority of toys are no longer made in your workshop, but rather in factories and sweatshops by people over 3 feet tall (except some of the younger kids).  These people don't care about us.

Case in point, I spent the better part of last night in the garage assembling a toy.  It had more screws than Madonna on a bender.  The instructions didn't make sense and nothing fit quite as easily as the photo would have you believe.

I cut my hand with a screwdriver.  Twice.

Is this what Christmas has become?  Parents cussing and bleeding over expensive toys in the dead of the night?

Our parents had it easy. 

Please, Santa, do the right thing.  Think of the elves.  And me.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Parent