From 4:00 until around 4:30 every afternoon, it’s just my 4-year-old daughter and I in the car. When she removes her thumb from her mouth for long enough, we have some fairly interesting conversations!
Today, however, wasn’t so much “interesting” as it was “fucking uncomfortable.”
Maddie the preschooler: Daddy, how did I get out of Mommy’s tummy when I was just a baby?
Me: Um. Well. You came out through her private…area.
Maddie: You mean her front bottom?
Me: Well. Yes. I guess.
Maddie: That’s diss-CUSS-ting!
Me: I was actually looking at her left shoulder, so that I wouldn’t pass out.
Maddie: Her shoulder?
Me: Everything below that area was a bit–as you said–disgusting. You should’ve seen the hospital bedsheets afterward! But people like to say it’s beautiful. These people are, in my estimation, full of poop.
Maddie: Did it hurt Mommy when I crawled out of her front bottom?
Me: I think you sort of slid.
Maddie: I guess it wasn’t that bad then, was it?
Me: Not too bad. Mommy loves drugs. I mean. Mommy loves babies!
Me: Do you think Arthur will let DW play with his friends today?
Maddie: I can’t WAIT to get home and watch Arthur!
Me: Me too.