DadCentric

When Gators Attack

"Get behind me, everybody! Don't run. Stay together!"

I sacrificed a precious nanosecond to glance backward, to make sure my family was safe behind my feeble one-man barrier. Then I squared up to the charging 20-foot alligator and braced for impact.

Did you know that when alligators charge on land, they can run as fast as race horses over short distances? Think about that while you watch the Kentucky Derby this weekend. Those nags got nothing on Florida's reptilian menace. A healthy female gator would burst out of the gate and dash to the front, stopping only for a quick equine snack on the back stretch. She'd win by 40 lengths (and not only because the horses would bolt the other way; although they would do that, of course).

So, we're outside in the yard watching the tropical birds do their thing at sunset, when all of a sudden, here comes this monster gator out of the retaining pond. All teeth and scales and sharp front claws and lashing tail and crocodilian fury. I lined my family up behind me, grabbed the nearest make-shift weapon (a telescoping golf ball retriever) and whacked that gator into sub ... mission. It ... I ...

No. That's not how it went. It was a bear. And it was in Alaska. And it wasn't me and my family, it was Toby Burke, AKA the Baddest Dad On the Planet. Mr. Burke (to me, he'll always be Mr. Burke) fought off a crazed bear with a telescope and his bare hands to protect his wife and three kids in the wilds of Alaska. He FOUGHT A BEAR WITH HIS BARE HANDS and won.

I'd like to think I'd have that kind of presence of mind if a super-crazed mama gator came at us. I'd like to think that I would be the kind of guy who'd calmly direct my family to line up behind me, don't worry, don't run. I'll protect you from the murderous miniature dinosaur that clearly would like to rip out all of our livers.

I'd like to think that I could be that guy. For one day, Mr. Burke was that guy. Whoever else he might be -- and of course, we don't know -- he was that guy.

Toby Burke, people. Toby. Burke.

Oh, and 3-foot gator in our back yard retaining pond? You're not fooling me with that docile, non-threatening swimming, minding-your-own-gator-business thing you have going on every day.

If you want some of this, you know where to find me.

Where the Parent Blogosphere Should Be Directing Its Rage

How can we talk about who's facebook pictures are sexist, which mainstream media outlet is dissing bloggers, or which bloggers' marriages are ending, when we are being robbed blind by an arts and crafts industry that has no concern for our families?

The One Where the New Guy Wasn't Funny or Even Very Interesting

DadCentric. Dad by gum Centric.

Dad mudda fuggin Centric?

How did I get in here? More to the point: How did I get in here?

Well, I'll tell you. It started in a bar. (I've read through almost every post on this site, and 67 percent of them start or end in a bar. Perfect.)

This particular bar was at a particular hotel in Houston in late January. Happy hour at the Dad 2.0 Summit: where dreams come true.

In the half-light of this Houston hotel bar, over the rim of my glass of JD on the rocks, I saw Jason Avant, the Snake Plissken of dad bloggers. I walked right up to him like I was somebody, holding out my hand for him to shake. Or bite. Whatever. It was my first blogger conference. I was up for anything.

"Jason? Good to finally meet you in person," I said. "I love your blog."

"Who the hell are you?" he said.

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Now ... what? I'm here, and I'm pretty happy about that. This is, after all (as you can read right there on Beta Dad's home page), the "coolest frat at Daddyblogger State." It's also the first place I gravitated toward when I started my parenting blog, DadScribe, in February of 2012. This was the place where the writers were. And are.

I've been waiting, watching, hoping someone (Whit? Ron? Kevin? Jason S? Anyone?) would post something more substantial than this ... whatever it is ... in the wake of TwoBusy's brilliant essay/poem/work of art about the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombings. Really? My first appearance here is to follow that act?

But ...

It dawned on me (slowly, as most things do) that no matter when I posted my intro piece, it would be following some poignant prose poem, or funny screed on food, or cool photo essay about a trip to D.C., or a thought piece about loss or grief or the plight of humanity. 

I couldn't win, so here we are: Hi, DadCentric. I'm Carter. I'm a former sportswriter. I'm not Canadian, contrary to popular belief. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm married with two sons, and I hold down a full-time job with an Internet marketing agency in Tampa. I didn't actually have anything to do with the Cubs failing to get into the 2003 World Series, but I was in the Wrigley Field press box at the time. I also didn't actually open a roadside tombstone business in Key West after I was downsized out of newspapers in 2008 -- but I should have. My family actually does live in Florida, but not in the swamps outside of Micanopy. I've been part of this big, beautiful blogging community for a little more than a year, and I've enjoyed it so far. A lot.

So, thanks, Dad ever lovin Centric. Thanks for having me. I'll try not to wreck the place too much.

 

DadCentric Roundtable: Post-Dad 2.0 Summit Edition

So. Dad 2.0. We came, we saw, we made asses of ourselves (at least I did) on the karaoke floor. But what did we think of Dad 2.0.2? As before, I asked the fellows for their thoughts on the conference, via the magic of Electronic Mail. - Jason

Whit: I thought Dad 2.0 was much improved in places that I didn't even realize it needed improving. The panels weren't the typical rehashed conversations we tend to find at most conferences (something I am totally guilty of), and the keynotes were downright inspirational and amazing. 

In addition, Dad 2.0 is obviously doing something right in the way it is reaching its potential attendees, because I have rarely been in a space where every next person is a conversation I have needed, and that happened here.

The whiskey tasting was nice, too.

Kevin: I agree with Whit on the whiskey tasting. Oh, and on the panels, too. Even the one I thought would be a rehash of Blogging 101 about building an audience gave me at least two or three new ideas.

I was truly apprehensive about a sophomore slump for Dad 2.0, but I thought it really did improve upon the previous one. The keynote speakers were all entertaining and mostly relevant to the audience, which I can't say about the two BlogHer conferences I've attended. While everything took place in the hotel, the facility was perfect in size and layout and being in a downtown location opened nighttime bonding possibilities not available the wilderness of Bastrop County, Texas, last year. I'm mean, a group of dads going out to karaoke two nights in a row? That was great.

Also, the Dove "Man Cave" was a nice touch, even though I got shut out of the a shave and haircut. However, I think attendees will all wear nicer shoes next year know knowing they have the opportunity to get a shine from a leggy Latvian blonde.

But most importantly, the people were great -- attendees, the Dad 2.0 staff, even the sponsors were incredibly cool as people throughout. I feel I truly made many personal connections I didn't at the last one.

Me (Jason. Avant, not Sperber. We need nicknames.): What I enjoyed: Brene Brown and David Eagleman; I spent some time talking to David about Science Things, and he's a great guy. His book "Sum" is amazing; if you liked "Einstein's Dreams", you'll dig it. The Writing A Wrong panel was terrific; Jon, Kristen and Jon were honest, vulnerable (!) and funny. I was thrilled to meet some really cool noobs - Chris Read and Carter Gaddis are great, and you at home need to read their stuff.

What I did not enjoy: the Brand Panel and the Creation and Curation panel. Kudos to C.C. Chapman for doing his very best with a group that for the most part had absolutely nothing of interest to say about a topic that's near and dear to most of us. Surrounding someone like Lisa Hickey (who's done a great job turning The Good Men Project into a genuine success story) with a self-published local author who only has a handful of Twitter followers, an author who admitted that he knows very little about social media, and a couple of guys who are still trying to figure out what to do with some videos that they made four years ago? I'd much rather have listened to C.C. share his considerable knowledge and experience. As for the Brand Panel, the guy from Huggies really needs to learn how to speak to a hostile audience. The folks from Kraft and Sears seemed genuinely interested to engage with dads; the Huggies guy was dismissive and condescending. As an audience member, I was put off; as a consumer, if I still had kids in diapers, I'd never buy his product and would actively encourage parents to go with Huggies' competitors. I was disappointed that due to the schedule, I could only go to one breakout session. As a panelist and panel planner, I could have very easily done my session in an hour; freeing up 30 minutes there and 30 minutes somewhere else might've allowed for people to go to 2 panels a day.

Overall, though, I'd call it a success. And yeah, the nights out were way too much fun. I was inspired to quit my day job and join the Karaoke Circuit. I'm sure Gwyneth will return my calls.

I Don't Have Any More Parenting Opinions

This is the story of how I lost the will, energy and desire to publicly express my Parenting Opinions.

It starts with Green Lantern. This past Sunday, as I sprawled out on the couch trying to recoop from a long work week spent away from home, I once again found myself playing the role of the moderator/referee for yet another round of What Are We Going To Watch On TV (Kids' Edition). Lucas had watched an episode of Young Justice, Zoe had watched an episode of My Little Pony, and I was attempting to stave off a shouting match by suggesting that we find a show that they both enjoy. (Solomon in sweatpants, I am.) I scanned the guide. "Not much on," I observed. "Green Lantern..." "GREEN LANTERN!" they both yelled. "Huh," I said aloud. To Zoe: "You like Green Lantern?" "Yes! I love Green Lantern!" "Huh," I said again. And so they watched Green Lantern. Together. Both enjoying it equally.

I had it in my head to write a post about Green Lantern, and how I was (but perhaps should not have been) surprised that my five-year-old daughter would dig a show about a superhero in space. A male superhero. In space. Before I jumped into writing that post, which would have been in part about the "traditional gender roles" that even the most forward-thinking of us still have a hard time shaking, I took a look at Facebook to see what was going on, as I do before I start writing, because hey, shiny objects! I saw that Andy Hinds had posted a link to a Jezebel article that was a rebuttal of sorts to a piece he'd written for The Atlantic.

Both articles were about The Princess Industrial Complex. I have a daughter, she loves her some Disney Princesses, and I didn't feel strongly about it one way or another. But reading the comments in the Jezebel post, and then in Andy's article, and finally on Andy's Facebook post got me to thinking that dammit, I need to have an opinion on Princesses. I write about being a parent. I have a daughter. I am obliged to say...something. Liz from Mom 101 has an opinion about Princesses! Jim Griffioen has an opinion about Princesses! I'm opinionated! By God, I need to chime in! 

Kindling Quarterly: Dialogue for the Enlightened Father

Hey dads,  how  many times have you been sitting around in your plaid pearl-snap  button shirt and vintage striped cardigan and simultaneously had the thought, “Man, I sure wish there was a quality publication out there that spoke to my daddy-o-ness, but didn’t at the same time.” Well, put away your vinyl albums of The Handsome Family and Decemberists because Kindling Quarterly is here!

This Brooklyn-based brainchild of David Michael Perez and P. August Heffner (Hugh’s sarcastic, asshole nephew twice removed) is, by their admission, intended to build, “a thoughtful dialogue about fatherhood that is missing from our cultural landscape” by “playfully assessing and celebrating the multitude of experiences that form contemporary fatherhood.” It should be noted that Perez and Heffner’s decision to make the publication quarterly was a masterful stroke as it adds to Kindling’s overly enlightened aura.

A quick skim through the pages of Kindling show its flavor for artfully pretentious photos such as a space helmet lounging smugly on the living room floor, a guy in skinny, cuffed jeans playing a ukulele while straddling a bike with a snare drum affixed to the handle bars, and a the most exquisite pencil sketch ever celebrating the bearded features of Steven Keaton (Holy hipster facial hair, man! You don’t know who Steven Keaton is? 80’s TV much?)

Oh yes, and lest you forget throughout the essays, editorials, art, and interviews, who the target demographic is, there are also images of real fathers accessorized with toddlers clad in the latest haul from the thrift shop.

But, hey, to each their own. If maxing out the limit on your Urban Outfitters credit card is your cup of organic, Chai tea, then Kindling Quarterly is for you. For me, however, I don’t think I’ll be subscribing. For one, I don’t like labels and besides, I think a page from Kindling best sums up my reaction…

DadCentric Roundtable: Pre-Dad 2.0 Summit Edition

Welcome to the DadCentric Roundtable. Recently, we had an email discussion about the upcoming Dad 2.0 Summit; many of us went to last year's, a few of spoke on panels, and it was a good time. As the second rolls around, we thought we'd have a chat about what we're hoping to get out of Dad 2.0.2, and whether or not blog conferences have any value (outside of getting knee-walking drunk with your Internet pals).

Jason: C.C. Chapman recently posted a great piece on conferences, and how many of them fail to provide anything of substance to experienced folks. We're all graying, surly veterans of the dadblogging scene: apart from getting the chance to watch Andy display his karaoke talents and Whit threaten fellow attendees with that knife he keeps in his boot, is there any tangible value to attending Dad 2.0? In other words, can old dogs like us learn any new tricks?

Seth: Some of us aren't as long in the tooth as you guys.  (Ahem.)  I wish I were going.  I think I'd learn something about the business behind blogging, which I'm pretty ignorant about.  Then again, what I learn may only serve to bum me out. The biggest reason I wish I were attending this year is the drunken fellowship. And I can testify firsthand to the fact that Hinds does a pretty badass Johnny Cash. 

 

A group of Unidentified Dadbloggers at the 2011 Mom 2.0 Summit

 

Greg: I don't think anyone is going to teach me anything new about SEO or Typepad tricks.
I'd like to see more of how blogging is changing journalism...

Homemaker Man: I've never been to a blog conference of any kind, so for me, I think'd it be useful on some level, if just getting to meet everyone and so forth. 

TwoBusy: It all depends on what you mean by learning. If you mean technical tricks of the trade... I have no idea. Is that part of the Dad 2.0 agenda, the way it is at BlogHer? I'm such a technophobe I've never seriously considered that kind of learning as a serious option. That being said, I think there'll probably be plenty to be learned in the sense of meeting people, hearing great stories, and - as a result of all that drunken fellowship (as is often the case: Seth nailed it) - finding some new perspective or inspiration that pushes you & your writing in a different direction.

Or , alternately, you just go out drinking and karaoke-ing with Mr. Hinds and end up making pee angels on the sidewalk at 6am. (see under: cautionary tales/Andy Herald)

Christmas Past, And The Future

Hi all - Jason here. On behalf of all of the guys here at DadCentric, I wanted to thank you, Dear Reader, for visiting our little corner of the dad-o-sphere this year. We're taking some time off over the holidays, but will be back in January with a bunch of new stuff...and we're (finally) giving the place a bit of a makeover. We've been at this for going on eight years now, and we're thinking that maybe we need to change our whole schtick up a bit. That'll be reflected in the site's new look, the type of stuff we'll be covering (pretty much whatever the hell we want to write about, so you may want to take your preconceived notions of what a dad blog should be and shelve them) and it will certainly be reflected in the three kickass new guys that will be joining us. (On a sad note, we're saying so long to The Holmes; his amazing creativity has been a vital part of this site, and we'll miss having him around.) As for those new guys, they are:

Ron Mattocks, mild mannered reporter by dad, raconteur...also by day.

Jason Sperber, Rad Rice Daddy In A Strange Land.

Craig Heimbuch, former Man Of The House who now Does Manly Things.

I'm thrilled as all hell to have these guys aboard; they're each incredible writers who bring a distinct voice to the cacophony here, and I'm looking forward to reading their stuff. 

This December has been a rather shitty one. But I'm writing this post on December 22, and taking heart in the fact that from here on out, there's a little bit more light in each day. We hope you and yours have a very merry Christmas and a safe and prosperous New Year. 

 

Is It Okay to Publicly Announce Which of Your Kids is Your Favorite? (The answer is no, dumbass)

I tweeted a sarcastic tweet the other day, and ended up on national TV, as part of what will probably come to be known as the most ridiculous of all parent blogging controversies ever.

So there's this dad blogger who writes, in an offhand way, apropos of almost nothing, that he favors his older son over the younger one.  This inspires a bunch of comments saying how mean he is for writing that, and how his youngest will probably read it and hate him one day. 

Then he writes a post to clarify his original one.  This is the point at which he could have said: "Well, that was a poor choice of words.  What I really meant to say is that I like the 5-year old stage better than the 2-year old stage."  That would have been only a little dicky rather than flat-out cruel.  But instead, he attempts a very risky stunt: He simultaneously backpedals and doubles down.  He says that he only likes the older kid better because he's more fun right now and can do more stuff, and his relationship with the younger child is still developing.  That sounds a little more reasonable, right?  But.  Instead of conceding that maybe he should have phrased it differently, he essentially says, "And if that's what 'favorite' means, then, yeah...he's my favorite.  You know you've got a favorite too.  You should admit it.  Feels good."  It's almost like he's being controversial on purpose, to get some pageviews and media attention or something.

Oh, hey.  He does get a bunch of attention!  This becomes "news," and international media outlets cover the "story."  The blogger sticks to his guns on all the interviews he does, and never admits that there's any problem with announcing his favoritism on the internet and now on TV.  His statements are preserved in countless forums across the internet, which his kids will certainly run across one day.  (For their sake, I hope they recognize it as one of wacky ol' Dad's ploys to get famous.)

Dad Sends Stanley The Train Into Space, Awesomeness Ensues

Ok, this is pretty cool.